What Trumps Tiger? What Murders The Wood's Media Frenzy?

I make my living off the evening news
Just give me something, something I can use
People love it when you lose, they love dirty laundry

Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down
Kick 'em when they're stiff, kick 'em all around

Dirty little secrets, dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody's pie
Love to cut you down to size, we love dirty laundry

We can do the innuendo, we can dance and sing
When it's said and done, we haven't told you a thing
We all know that crap is king, give us dirty laundry

Dirty Laundry words and lyrics by Don Henley

Tiger Woods sure could use a big, media mesmerizing celebrity death right now.

Anyone see Tom Cruise lately? No Tiger does not have to send his crazed, cranky caddy to whack the wacko all he needs is Cruise cruising in a space balloon.

Woods would pay Cruise big bucks to become this week's balloon boy story.

And Cruise hasn't had a hit in along time so maybe he is game.

Bobby Bowden's retirement just doesn't have enough bite to back the boys and girls off the Tigers.

The angry villagers, boosters, and the media have been chasing Bowden around campus with torches all season so catching him, and burning him, is no big surprise.

But Cruise in a balloon might trump the Tiger.

Imagine the media hype?

Wolf Blitzer: "Reports say Tom Cruise is sailing over Colorado in an untethered space ship balloon."

Robin Meade: "Wolf! Can you see him? Wolf where is Tom? Has he fallen from the space balloon? Is he on board? Wolf! Wolf? Wolf?" 

Wolf: "Robin unconfirmed reports say a space suited Cruise was playing around his space balloon when it became untethered and....well the worry is now is that since it is moving from Colorado to neighboring Mississippi air space is whether the neighboring nation of  New Mexico will shoot Tom down when he enters its foreign airspace."

Robin: "Wolf, Colorado, last I looked, is not next to Mississippi. New Mexico is part of the United States. Wolf I thought you were just faking dumb on Jeopardy. Wolf?"

Wolf: "Err Sorry Robin. What is New Mexico was a tough one."

Robin: "Wolf!"

Wolf: :What?"

Robin: "Wolf! Wolf! Wolf! I just like saying wolf Wolf."

Sometimes the media frenzy can't be stopped until a bigger fish falters and bleeds badly in the water.

Sometimes the media can't control themselves.

And its hard to top the Tiger as a media icon. 

Not many sports figures could lift the terror from the Tiger?

More media are covering Tiger then Afghanistan.

Its hard to find a fatter fish then Tiger.

Perhaps Peyton Manning being buckshot by an angry Indiana farmer who found him running play action in the hayloft with his high school daughters would garner the same attention.

Maybe a mad Tim Tebow being stopped by cops while spinning in stolen wheels around Holanta land with some smashed, screaming, semi nude Alabama cheerleaders, a stolen hand gun, and some strange substances in his glove box would draw the media blood smelling barracuda away from Woods.

Maybe not.

Maybe Oprah will give Steadman a bad and bloody public battering in the lobby of The Atlantis in Nassau to take some Tiger heat.

It's that hard to steal Tigers thunder. Not many sports stars carry over into mainstream media.

No one really cares anymore when random, rogue Cincinnati Bengals engage City cops in running gun battles. Its just Bengal business as usual.

It will take a real superstar to draw fire from the Tiger.

Where's a young Mike Tyson at when Tiger really needs him? Tiger needs the Tyson before his wife and Barbara Walters whacked him on 20/20.

Still even a late night Tyson vs Givens fight would not steal the Tiger limelight.

Even Britney Spears letting her sub-machine gun do the singing at paparazzi might not cut it.

And Michael Jackson is dead.

Everyone on ESPN wants a Tiger personal apology.

All the cable network babbling heads want a sit down interview complete with Tiger tears, moans, wails, tales and promises.

After all Tiger owes them that.

ESPN is, of course, a network on a hill.

The eyes of all good people are cast upon them for moral leadership.

ESPN is a Berman babbling, beaming, barking beacon of moral values.  

I mean if any morally lost child, or adult for that matter, is deeply depressed over the Tigers infidelities they should just tune into ESPN to watch the TV talking heads solemnly seize the soapbox.

Maybe Skip Bayless can even remake Elmer Gantry for ESPN. At least Tiger stopped Skippy from screaming Brett Favre! Brett Favre! Brett Favre fifty times every fifteen minutes.

Still one understands the initial frenzy.

It's the tale of the weapon being turned against its master.

Tiger being taken down by a golf club is like Jeff Gordon being run down with his roaring race-car by his angry wife in his driveway.

Its like Roger Clemens being brained by a baseball bat wielding Mrs Roger outside some seedy hotel with a seedier girlfriend and Andy Pettitte with a needle in his butt.

Its beautiful Brazilian Giselle catching Tom Brady in bed with Bridget Moynahan then blackening his eyes with a well thrown pigskin pass.

At its best its the Bride in Kill Bill using the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique against her bad Bill.

It's vengeance while wielding the wicked masters trusted weapon against him.

It's vengeance as a dish served hot.

Golf widows everywhere are eyeing their drunken husbands clubs and swinging them like lovely Uma Thurman as the Bride in Kill Bill swung her sweet samurai sword.

Maybe Uma can play Elin in the movie. I can hear Elin now:

And what, pray tell, is the five-point-palm-exploding-heart technique?

But enough is enough

Maybe blonde beat him with a bat but so what? She unleashed her ancient, inner Viking, screamed Odin, and five ironed him. on Dead Turkey Day.

Who cares?  It's the Holidays, the silly season, these things happen.

Can't ESPN babble about the Oregon and Oregon State game?

Does no one care that the Buffalo Bills moved to Canada?

Can't CNN cover Afghanistan again?

Can't we kill the Tiger tale?

When Mrs Tiger hires Colonel Jim Corbett of  Man-Eaters of Kumaon tiger taming fame maybe we can tune the Tigers back in.

Until then how about them Ducks?