Sports Fans Should Rally To Support New Law

I am an admitted die-hard Cleveland Fan. Not ashamed one bit to admit it.

While having a bar room conversation with a friend during Monday Night Football, this friend, who happens to be a Steelers fan, lamented that his team probably will miss the playoffs for the first time in many years.

My reaction was to give him a very dirty look, and then reply, “Your team just won a Super Bowl, I don’t want to hear one word out of you.”

Then it occurred to me that there should be a law to prohibit certain sports fans, spoiled by their championships, from whining about a bad year.

After much thought, here is a rough draft of the Bill that sports fans everywhere should be calling their elected representatives to support. The future depends on it.

Section One:

It is hereby considered illegal for any fan of a national Baseball, Football or Basketball Franchise who wins their respective championship to whine, gripe or complain about their team in public for poor performance for a period of five years following the attainment of stated championship.

Furthermore, it shall be considered a violation of public decency for fans of said championship teams to “jump ship” of their respective franchises should the championship team follow up its championship year by being “dreadful,” “awful,” or just downright “bad.”

Section Two:

Fans of professional hockey franchises located east of the Mississippi River and north of the Mason-Dixon Line also are to be included in the text of Section One.

Penalties for violating the terms stated in Section One are to be harsh. For a first offense, the offender must buy the victim(s) the next round of drinks and apologize profusely.

For a second offense, the offender must treat the victim(s) to a full meal and drinks at the next available sporting event.

For a third offense, the offender will surrender his first round pick in the upcoming fantasy draft. Repeat offenders must be made to realize we are not fooling around here.

The Yankee Fan Corollary: Any fan of the New York Yankees is hereby subject to a full quarter century of zero tolerance whining. Due to the amount of championships won by this franchise, and the tiring sense of entitlement Yankee fans possess, 25 years must pass between championships before Yankee fans are allowed to complain about their team.

(That means, prior to the 2009 season, Yankee fans only were about a third of the way through their penance period. Imagine the nirvana of a full generation of zero Yankee championships.)

The Tony Romo Corollary: Dallas Cowboy fans must tolerate being picked upon by other sports fans, even championship-winning sports fans, for quarterback Tony Romo’s poor play in big games. Cowboy owner Jerry Jones’ sad devotion to that mediocre quarterback is worthy of national ridicule.

The Northeast Ohio Pittsburgh Fan Corollary: No one living in Northeast Ohio shall be permitted to root for the Pittsburgh Steelers. If you were born and raised in Northeast Ohio, and you root for the Steelers, you’re a traitor. Banishment shall be your fate.

The Chicago Cubs Fan Corollary: Since the reality of the Cubs winning the World Series could very well open a rip in the time-space continuum, Cubs fans will be granted amnesty should the world survive such an event. But don’t push it.

This bill still is in the drafting stage. There are many aspects of fandom that demand more regulation. Please add your suggestions for further amendments in the comment section below.

Remember, we do this for the children, FOR THE CHILDREN, MAN!!!