Winston Wolf Solves Notre Dame's Coaching Problems

Pulp Fiction’s Winston Wolf now solves sports problems

The Problem

Jack Swarbrick (Notre Dame Athletic Director) on the phone: “Uh, Marsellus Wallace?”

Wallace: “How’d you get this number?”

Swarbrick: “Never mind that. I’m sort of in a bind. You see, I just fired our head football coach but we still have to pay him millions to just sit around on the couch. And everyone is pressuring me to hire the perfect guy to restore Notre Dame to football prominence. I just know if I hire someone like Charlie Weis and he fails, I’m going to get fired.”

Wallace: “Hmm.”

Swarbrick: “That’s all you have to say?”

Wallace: “Hold on. I’m just contemplating the if’s.”

Swarbrick: “I don’t want to hear about any if’s. I’m starting to freak out. TCU just locked up their coach, Stoops said he’s not interested and Jon Gruden signed on to do more Monday Night Football. What am I going to do?”

Wallace: “Calm down. You ain’t got no problem, Jackie. I’m on it. Go back in there, chill them fellows out and wait for the Wolf who should be coming directly…”

The Wolf

Wallace: “…that’s basically it. He’s scared and doesn’t know what to do. Says ‘he’s under so much pressure right now.’”

Winston Wolf: “I see. And you said it was Notre Dame?”

Wallace: “Uh huh.”

The Wolf: “And the guy’s name was Jack Swarbrick?”

Wallace: “Yep.”

The Wolf: “And Notre Dame is in South Bend, Indiana?”

Wallace: “That’s right.”

The Wolf: “That’s 32 hours away by car. I’ll be there in 10.”

Nine hours and 37 minutes later

Ding-dong, door opens…

The Wolf: “I’m Winston Wolf. I solve problems.”

Swarbrick: “Good. I got one.”

The Wolf: “So I heard. May I come in? Now you’ve got a corpse in your athletic department without a head coach. Take me to it.”

Swarbrick: “Well, I wouldn’t go so far as to call our football team a ‘corpse.’ I mean, we do go to bowl games. We actually might go to the Meineke Car Care Bowl or the St. Petersburg Bowl.”

The Wolf: “It’s a corpse. Your program’s last three records were 6-6,7-6, and 3-9. So let’s get down to brass tacks. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking?”

Swarbrick: “Oh ya. There’s recruiting to be done. Coordinators need to be hired. All of that hinges on this hire. If I screw it up like the last administration did… Oh I don’t know. I guess I’ll just throw money at some big name and hope it works…”

The Wolf: “Just because you are a character doesn’t mean you have character.”

Swarbrick: “What?”

The Wolf: “Look, big names appease the boosters and the fans. But what was Pete Carroll before USC? Jim Tressel before Ohio State? Hell, Bill Belichick before the Patriots?”

Swarbrick: “Uh, I think Pete Carroll was a failed NFL coach and wasn’t Tressel just a successful coach at Youngstown State? Oh, and Belichick was 36-44 with the Cleveland Browns, right?”

The Wolf: “Spoken like a true prodigy. So here’s my suggestion. You have a great offense. Even if Jimmy Clausen and Golden Tate leave for the NFL, you have guys who can score points. Your problem is defense and this namby-pamby pretty boy image. To fix all that, look to Virginia Tech.”

Swarbrick: “You’re telling me to hire Frank Beamer!?!”

The Wolf: “No, Beamer’s not going anywhere. But you should hire his defensive coordinator, Bud Foster.”

Swarbrick: “Oh what a waste of my time. I can’t hire some coordinator. The boosters would fire me on the spot and South Bend would burn my house down. I think I might go after Saban.”

The Wolf: “Shut up! I’m here to help – if my help’s not appreciated then lotsa luck, Jackie.”

Swarbrick: “No Mr. Wolf. It’s not like that.”

The Wolf: “Listen. Foster has been a defensive coordinator for the last 14 years. He knows what he’s doing. And he learned under Beamer. Beamer-ball ring a bell?”

Swarbrick: “Ya, I know. The Hokies have blocked more kicks than any other team during Beamer’s time at Virginia Tech.”

The Wolf: “I would use ‘reign’ instead of ‘time.’ Since 2002, the Hokies are 72-27. What would you do to have a 72-27 record for Notre Dame?”

Swarbrick: “I might… No, that might get me locked up. But, I would do some pretty vile things to get that record and to go to all those BCS Bowl games.”

The Wolf: “You know their success is built on their defense, right? Foster had his defense ranked in the top eight in 2001, top five in 2004, number one in 2005 and 2006, and in the top seven in 2007. He sent seven players from that 2007 unit to the NFL and he won the coordinator of the year award in 2000 and was named a finalist in 1999, 2001, and 2005.”

Swarbrick: “But he’s just a coordinator. I can’t sell him to the Notre Dame faithful.”

The Wolf: “Do you even watch football? This year was a ‘down’ year and the Hokies still went 9-3. Like the Irish will ever go 9-3 again.”

Swarbrick starts to cry a little.

The Wolf: “If I’m curt with you it’s because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you to act fast if you want to get out of this. Foster is your guy. He’s an Illinois native so he knows the recruiting territory. He’s blue collar. The hardest working guy on the Hokie team actually carries a lunch pale around. Wouldn’t you want the ‘lunch pale’ image back at Notre Dame?”

Swarbrick: “I know but…”

The Wolf: “No buts. Pretty please, with sugar on top, hire Bud Foster as your new head coach.”

Swarbrick: “And then we will be champions?”

The Wolf: “Let’s not start sucking each other’s… Eh, you saw the movie. You won’t be champions overnight. These things take time. But a great defense just needs the right scheme and the right guy to fire them up. Foster is that guy. He’ll have those Golden Domes flying all over the field. Just promise me you won’t offer him a decade-long contract extension if he almost beats USC?”

Swarbrick: “Noted. That didn’t work out so well last time.”

The Wolf: “Foster will commit you to the running game and his defenses will stifle your opponents. He’s a throwback and your program wants to ‘return’ to glory, right?”

Swarbrick: “I’ll do it! I’ll make the right choice and pass up the big names who’ll cost me millions. I’ll hire the right guy! Thank you, Mr. Wolf!”

The Wolf: “That’s what I do. I solve problems. Now I need to get to DC to talk to those guys about the Redskins…”