Which NFL Coaches Are Cooked? The Dead Turkey Day Ten

Dick Jauron, or the strange, gaunt wax figurine that eerily replaced him on the frigid Buffalo Bill sideline, is gone from the field where the buffalo roam but seldom score.

Now which coach is heading for the turkey fryer next? Which bird is done?

The grinning buzzards of NFL coaches past are circling hungrily around the league looking to snare one last, high paying NFL job and one last shot at Super Bowl glory.

Which coaching turkey is dinner for the ravenous turkey buzzards tangling over his coaching carcass?

1] Eric Mangini-Cleveland Browns

Perhaps Mangini is a genius. Maybe Mangini is Mangenius.

The always angry Mangini man has alienated fans, players, the media, and the owner with his bizarre behaviors.

Its the same grand plan he followed in Gotham that got him gone from the New York Jets.

Its hard to irritate an owner so much that he would rather fire you, after only one year, and pay you millions on your remaining contract just so you stay away.

Far, far away from his fans and football team.

But Mangini does that to teams and owners.

It's called the Mangini Effect.

Mangini has managed to be fired twice with millions remaining on his guaranteed contract.

All before turning forty.

As the Guinness Beer Boys say "Brilliant!"

Who eats this turkey?

Mike Holmgren eats this bird. Maybe as a Tuna like team president, maybe as president/coach for a year, either way Mangini will be made into gravy.

The man with the walrus mustache waltzes in.

2] Jim Zorn-Washington Redskins

Danny Snyder, the Little Dictator of DC, is a sadist. Riggins was right there is something dark inside his heart.

Why else yank Zorn's play calling and yet let him dangle, in a useless headset no less, for the world to see on national TV?

Perhaps to embarrassing him into resigning so the Redskins do not have to pay him his contract?

Hang tough Zorny make him fire, and pay, you.

Who eats this turkey?

Everyone dislikes Snyder but he pays people so well they come anyway.

The Zorn bird has been zapped who wings in to jump into Danny Snyder's fryer?

Its a tough spot beside the Little Dictator. Maybe Russ Grimm ignores the madness and tries to bring back his glory Hog Days. 

Or else he shops the bargain rack.

They all will fail, of course, just like everyone else.

3] Tom Cable-Oakland Raiders

Who knows what goes on in Al Davis head?

Maybe old Phil Spector songs since it seems they share the same sixties swinger look.

I mean if Bruce Gradkowski and Cable are the answer what was the question?

Granted Gradkowski is an upgrade on JaMarcus Russell. But then my dog would have been an upgrade too.

At least she scrambles and can read simple defenses like fences.

If Cable hits the can he should be a hit on the endless network talking heads shows that endlessly recycle washed upped coaches and babbling players.

With all Cable's charms he should be a real hit with the lady viewership.

Who eats this turkey?

Well this big wild turkey works for a loon. Who wants to work for a loon?

Jim Fassel will do just about anything for another shot and will humor the loon to gain the job.

A long shot buzzard might be Brian Billick who has bonded with Al Davis in the past. But Billick is still gets Baltimore bucks and looks rather comfortable with his book package and booth perch.

4] Lovie Smith-Chicago Bears

"Chaos, Panic, Disorder - My job here is done." That ought to be Lovie's motto.

The Bears are, of course, too cheap to fire the underachieving Lovie but can they, at the very least, tell him to stop hiding his defensive play calls behind his play sheet.

Who cares if the evil enemy lip readers read them and relay Lovie's secret game plans to the opposing offense the Bears can't look any worse.

Can they?

Who eats this turkey?

No one. The McCaskey's aren't buying another turkey until this one's done with his deal. Turkeys don't come cheap and they owe this bird big bucks.

Though ex Bears Leslie Frazier or Ron Rivera have to be tempting.

5] Gary Kubiak-Houston Texans

Stealers Wheel sung Stuck In The Middle With You in the Seventies and it could be the theme song of Kubiak's reign in Houstontown.

Yes I'm stuck in the middle with you,
And I'm wondering what it is I should do,
It's so hard to keep this smile from my face,
Losing control, yeah, I'm all over the place,
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right,
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

The Texans, with some top talent, has been mired in mediocrity and appear headed to yet another average season. 

Texan fans are sick of being stuck in the middle with Kubiak. They want to move up to Peyton's place.

The coaching buzzards love this Texan team because it has play-makers on offense and young talent on defense.

Who eats this turkey?

Everyone wants a bit of this tasty bird.

Mike Shanahan is possible if he does not bite on the Bills. It's too far west for Bill Cowher who is watching the Carolina Panthers and licking his lips.

The Texans will flirt with Jason Garrett but maybe Leslie Frazier is the man for the always failing Texan defense.

6] Raheem Morris-Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Morris, who never had been a coordinator before becoming a head coach, has canned two coordinators already.

Tampa looks like team disarray. Shuffling team concepts mid-season is bush league.

Who eats this turkey?

No one. The owners of this place are just as confused as the turkey coach and maybe just want to get rid of the entire turkey, team, and trimmings.

7] Wade Phillips-Dallas Cowboys

This old bird of Bum has no playoff bite. The peacock that owns the club wants flash, smash, and dash so he can make lots of cash.

Bye bye birdie.

Who eats this turkey?

Plucked from the flock Jason Garrett gobbles down his gamy old boss bird and takes control of the Boys.

Beware since the over botoxed peacock took control of the Boys they have been turkeys. 

Maybe it isn't the coach, maybe its the owner.

8] Buffalo Bills

Who devours this turkey of a job in a tough market with team with little talent and less direction?

Mike Shanahan, who does look a bit buzzard like, swoops in and sweeps up the carcass.

But can the buzzard breath life into the Buffalo Bills?

Or will they do the Toronto Two Step to cold Canada?

9] John Fox- Carolina Panthers

John and Jake Delhomme go together like Thelma and Louise and that's how they are going out.

Fox is a good coach with a blind spot for a quarterback in bad decline.

Is Fox a turkey? No but he might be caught in a Fox trap.

Who eats the turkey?

Bill Cowher, like a hungry wolf following a weak, wounded animal falling away from the pack, has been watching the Panthers woes and licking his lips.

Carolina is on his Cowher's mind but if Fox rallies a bit he still might stick.

10] Jack Del Rio -Jacksonville Jaguars

Like Kubiak Del Rio can't seem to lift the Jaguars out of mediocrity.

Unlike Kubiak Del Rio operates in a small market with a fan base that stays home instead of paying prime prices for a poor product.

Still if Del bats five hundred he will likely stay as the owner has no desire to pay big bucks to a coach sitting at home on his couch.

Does the idea of five more years of Del Rio make Jaguar fans dream of Super Bowls?

Or more average seasons?

Who eats this turkey?

No one. Del Rio sits in the sun, fans sit home, the owner stays satisfied with seven wins and maybe a quick franchise swing to Los Angeles.

Unless, of course, the stadium is totally empty.