Classless Predictions: Rising, Falling, and How to Change That...

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Jaded: 85-41

Indignant:  70-56

Indignant: We’re at a point in the season where I think we can really grasp who these teams are and what they’re going to do. So this week I am going to judge each team’s stock and whether it’s rising, dropping, or stagnant.

Jaded:  All of this talk about being stagnant and dropping hits a little too close to home for me; instead I’ve decided to go an entirely different direction this week.  Instead of piggy-backing Indignant’s ideas like I usually do, I’ve come up with one of my own.  I’m going to focus on what the team I don’t pick to win needs to do to ruin any chance I have of gambling success I might cling on to.  Warning:  There MIGHT actually be some football analysis in what follows.

Saints (9-0) @ Bucs (1-8)
Indignant: The Saints stock is about even from where it was. They haven’t been overly impressive but are still pulling out wins. The Bucs are actually up. Not up that much though; they’re still the Bucs. (Saints)

Jaded:  The Bucs will win this game if both teams play like they usually do.  The Saints have pretty much sucked for the first half of every game they’ve played since Miami laid out the blueprint to beat them.  The Bucs suck pretty much all of the time except in the 4th quarter since starting Josh Freeman.  This is where it gets sort of complex, so try to follow along.  The Bucs will equal the Saints in the first half until the third quarter where the Saints will pull slightly ahead until both teams play the best they can for the final fifteen minutes resulting in what I can only guess to be a 99 point fourth quarter.

I guess that wasn’t THAT hard to follow… (Saints)


Falcons (5-4) @ Giants (5-4)
Indignant: Giants stock is down further than Eli’s syndrome (get it, down syndrome?). I think they’ll come out firing after the bye week though. The Falcons on the other hand are pretty stagnant. I think this game will help us figure them out a bit more. Matt Ryan has been playing like a turd though. (Giants)

Jaded: The Falcons will win if they control the clock, run the ball, and actually convert in the red zone.  Contrary to popular belief, Eli Manning doesn’t suffer from an IQ less than 70; he just sucks really REALLY hard when it gets cold.  Some suggest he and I have the same disease.  Regardless, we all know the Giants are going to stack the box and force Ryan to beat them.  So if the Falcons ride Snelling hard (I hate my life, I can’t even think of a sexual reference to follow that up with) they can get Coughlin to scratch his head, shrug his shoulder, and eventually let Manning throw 12 picks and fumble twice.  Easy game.  (Giants.)

P.S. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that Indignant and I are playing each other in Fantasy Football this week and our first meeting coincided with Chris Johnson’s first monster game.  I don’t have Chris Johnson but I DO have Snelling…anybody know how to get in touch with the Falcons Coordinators??


Bills (3-6) @ Jags (5-4)
Indignant: Well clearly when you fire your Offensive Coordinator 2 weeks before the season and then your head coach 10 weeks again, your expectations should not need to be tempered. So the Bills have basically gone from a 1 to a -10. My faith in the Jags goes up and down more frequently than my wrist does when I’m looking at pictures of Katy Perry’s chesticles. I don’t even know who they are anymore. The Jags, I mean. (Jags)

Jaded:  The Bills will win this game if MJD strikes and kneels down every time he gets a handoff to prove a point, Sims-Walker gets suspended the night before the game (again), and Terrell Owens rips off his Bills jersey in warm-ups revealing a Jacksonville Jaguars uniform.  Oh yeah, and they COULD win this game if the old adage of ‘playing harder with a new coach’ holds up.  But which solution is more fun?  I thought so… (Jags)



49ers (4-5) @ Packers (5-4)
Indignant: I’d have to say that the 49ers somehow stealing a win even after playing like crap does not preclude them from having a stock which is way, way down. The Packers are in the same boat; well maybe only one “way.” With my infinite homerism though, I’m going to say the 49ers D harasses Rodgers all day and they somehow win this one and stay in the playoff hunt. (49ers)

Jaded:  The 49ers will win this game if the Packers pick the wrong identity.  The version of cheeseheads that showed up in Dallas is borderline terrifying.  On the other hand, the version that includes an offensive line so in love with Brett Favre that they get star struck and refuse to protect Rodgers will make Patrick Willis happier than the day Obama got elected.  And yes, blatant racism is a cover for having nothing to say.  (Packers)


Seahawks (3-6) @ Vikings (8-1)
Indignant: Much to my dismay, the Vikings stock is still skyrocketing. The Seahawks are on the other side of the spectrum. They have somehow took all of that excitement about them getting over their injury plagued season of 2008 and used it to beat themselves. P.S. Is it just me or do the Vikings play at home every F’ing week? (Vikings)

Jaded:  The Seahawks will win this game if a legendary QB retires once, is invited back by his team and takes them to the NFC Championship game, then retires again and is chased off to New York, and then retires again and welcomed in by his original teams arch rivals and then takes them to an 8-1 record at 40 years old?  Wait!  That already happened?!  Of course I knew that.  I meant the Seahawks win if Brett does that THIS week.  (Vikings)


Colts (9-0) @ Ravens (5-4)
Indignant: For some inexplicable reason, this game is a pick’em. I don’t get it. The Colts stock has to be up after facing off against their bitter rival and coming out on top, to remain undefeated. The Ravens on the other hand have been wallowing in Loserville for weeks. And yes, that includes beating the Browns. The only way being in Cleveland doesn’t count as being in Loserville is to be making fun of the city.
Like this guy: ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ysmLA5TqbIY )

Jaded:  The Ravens will win if Jamal Lewis stabs Peyton Manning.  That’s about all I got.  (Colts)


Redskins (3-6) @ Cowboys (6-3)
Indignant: By the power of Grayskull the Redskins our somehow rising at this point in the season. Not to a large extent, but things are looking better there after beating the Broncos last week. They’re at mid-chub level. The Cowboys are definitely going down though. Much like Tony Romo when he met the Jonas Brothers. AAyyy Oh! (Cowboys)

Jaded:  The Redskins will win this game if any of the three egomaniacs in the Cowboys’ backfield run their mouths in the locker-room.  Roy Williams whined for a week and now all Romo does is look for him downfield.  If any of the RBs catch on to this trend and Romo again caters and refuses to throw the ball then the Redskins win.  Say what you want about how terrible Washington is, but they can stop the run.  (Cowboys)



Steelers (6-3) @ Chiefs (2-7)
Indignant: The Steelers stock starting dropping precisely when Troy Polomalolamlaouloulu (sp?) left the game last week. The Chiefs won last week, but just by sucktitude-osmosis from being on the same field as Jamarcus Russell last week they can only qualify as being sedentary. (Steelers)

Jaded: The Chiefs win this game if I’m having a really really really really good day.  God I hate Pittsburgh.  (Steelers)


Browns (1-8) @ Lions (1-8)
Indignant: DOWN! Both teams are down. To steal a joke from the Daily Show, I think Detroit (and Cleveland for that matter), would actually be excited of their city was looking like it did during the Robocop movies. Nothing is going good in these parts. I asked and apparently someone does have to win this game. (Lions)

Jaded: The Browns win this game if they fire Mangini immediately and start Cribbs at QB.  It’s not like any of their other QBs are throwing the ball that well anyway.  (Lions)


Cardinals (6-3) @ Rams (1-8)
Indignant: Things are looking up for the Cards. They actually rose to the occasion last week for a change when they were pushed by Seattle. The Rams (who are down, obv.) on the other hand should just fly to Detroit this week and maybe all three of those teams can try to comprise one decent Big 10 team. (Cardinals)

Jaded:  The Rams win this game if Kurt Warner’s Alzheimer’s acts up and he forgets that he isn’t a Ram anymore.  (Seee…Indignant isn’t the only one who can make jokes about Kurt being old).  They also stand a better chance to win this game if the NFL lets them use their number one pick now and they take that DT out of Nebraska to chase around Warner this week.  (Cardinals)


Bengals (7-2) @ Raiders (2-7)
Indignant: Then Bengals’ stock hasn’t been this high since the exact moment before Carson Palmer’s knee exploded underneath that Somoan Steeler guy a few years back in the playoffs. The Raiders on the other hand. . . well let’s just say if I were a member of the team at any level, and had a wife, I’d definitely have a multitude of reasons to beat her daily. (Bengals)

Jaded:  The Raiders win this game if they clone 11 Nnamdi Asomugha’s to play defense.  They’re still screwed offensively but there could be a safety or two in the mix for a solid 4-0 win to keep their fans happy.  Oh yeah, they should also change the clones names to something reasonable or I’m refusing to ever mention him again.  Typing is so much work.  (Bengals)


Chargers (6-3) @ Broncos (6-3)
Indignant: The Chargers are somehow defying Norv Turners’ idiocy to be point things upwards in recent weeks. While the Broncos and their playoff chances are plummeting faster than my interest when a girl starts talking about. . . well anything. (Chargers)

Jaded:  The Broncos will win this game if they start Tila Tequila at QB.  Merriman will freak, Norv Turner will NEVER be able to adjust (yeah, like he adjusts to anything…ever) and LT will probably try to get on her next reality show when his career ends very soon.  She’d also be better than Chris Simms – this I’m sure of. 

The Chargers win if her implants, much like Ryan Clark, can’t handle the altitude in Denver. 

(Chargers)


Jets (4-5) @ Patriots (6-3)
Indignant: The Patriots are probably stationary this week. That very very dumb call by Belichek definitely didn’t help their home-field advantage chances, but I still think it’s all still somehow part of some sort of Belichekian-ponzy-scheme. (Patriots)

Jaded:  The Jets win this game if Rex Ryan writes a thorough ten-thousand word apology to Belichek about talking trash after beating them earlier this year.  Nothing else will stop Bill from running up as many points as he can this week, not even offering Sanchez as a sex slave.  You thought fourth and two was bad?  Bill might go straight into Madden mode and not even dress his punter this week.

Fantasy Update:  Pray for Tom Brady for me! (Patriots) 


Eagles (5-4) @ Bears (4-5)
Indignant: These two teams make my brain hurt Almost as much as when I try to count Cutler’s chins. It’s like looking at one of those optical illusion posters where you have to cross your eyes and back away. I paused my HDTV last week with Cutler in the frame and did that. I saw an alligator riding a moped. Weird… Both of their stocks are down. (Eagles)

Jaded:  The Bears win this game if they get Denver to trade them Kyle Orton for Jay Cutler.  Did you EVER think anyone would be able to say that?  (Eagles)



Titans (3-6) @ Texans (5-4)
Indignant: The Titans and Vince Young’s stocks are rising and rising. Soon enough they’ll be higher than he is in this picture: (http://media.sacbee.com/static/weblogs/raiders/vince-young-shirtless.jpg)
The Texans are hard to pinpoint since they just had a bye. I’ll say they are stationary, but will be up after squashing the streaking Titans. (Texans)

Jaded:  The Texans NEED to win this game.  I need them to go up 50 very very early and make sure that handing the ball off to Chris Johnson is not a possibility.  I also need to find a way to make sure that the Texans go up by that amount without Matt Schaub being involved at all.  Long story short, I’m not watching this game, my heart won’t be able to handle it.

*Bonus coverage*

Team Indignant’s Mandrake Falls Merkins (5-5) vs. Team Jaded’s Place Players Go To Die (5-5)

Jaded:  Team Jaded will win this game if AP, Chris Johnson, Matt Schaub, Marques Colston, and Ben Roethlisberger all miss the team buses to report to the field.  (Indignant in a landslide)

**Indignant was not available for comment...smug bastard**