College Football Musings- Charlie and Nu'Keese on My Mind...

There are a few certainties in college football.  Vanderbilt and Duke will always be bad, Mangino will keep getting wider, and some players from big-time programs will do something incredibly stupid.  But Knoxville's resident geniuses, much-discussed WR Nu'Keese Richardson and some other guy nobody cares about, have taken stupidity to a Rich Rodriguez-esque level.  Anyone that claims to comprehend the thoughts running through their minds when they decided to hold up a gas station at (pellet)gunpoint is totally bs-ing you.  Or, as Lil Wayne said, "smoke weed, talk s*** like Lane Kiffin."  After all the hot-fuss surrounding the runt receiver from Pahokee and the bizarre battle between the Vols and the Gators for his services, it's devastatingly anticlimactic to know it was all for nought.  Not that Kiffin and Urban can't find new things to catfight over, but none of them will be as consistently infuriating to spell check as old Nu'Keese.  May he be provided with a free Big Gulp from every 7 Eleven as long as he shall live...

The second case of stupidity taking over the airwaves is that of Notre Dame's head coach Charlie Weis.  Really, "stupidity" isn't the word to describe his faults.  No one can be too stupid but still have that much bling on his fingers (three Super Bowl rings to be exact).  No one who was awarded a 10 YEAR CONTRACT (how does that look now, ND boosters?) can have a history of utter incomptence.  No one who made Brady Quinn look like the next Tom Brady is totally devoid of coaching prowess.  No, Weis isn't stupid; he's arrogant, conceited, bullying, lying, conniving, and most of all, losing.  Not a good trait when you're at the helm of a once-proud program with boosters who still think, still believe, has a divine right to a spot in the top 10.  A spot that none of the team's last three coaches could achieve.  A spot which Notre Dame may not see for a long, long time.

They certainly won't see it with this dough-faced head man.  Weis is a dead man walking, especially with a game against a Stanford team that just beat Oregon by 9 and USC by (YIKES!) 27.  ND already carries 4 losses, two of them incredibly embarrassing (Michigan, anyone?).  So let's take the Mark McGwire view of things and speculate who will replace Weis in the thankless position-

• Brian Kelly- the logical choice.  Cincinatti, while lately a football powerhouse, doesn't have near the tradition or facilities it needs to remain a fixture in the top 5.  If Kelly can be this good at Cincinatti and develop backup QBs that set school passing records, just think how good he could (theoretically, but not realistically) be at ND!!!  SWOON!!!
• Jon Gruden- I pray to Touchdown Jesus they hire Gruden, because his broadcasting is JUST SO DARN GOD AWFUL!  Setting aside that I couldn't bear to sit down 5 minutes with the man, he isn't a realistic candidate.  Nothing in his history suggests he would want to be a college head coach or that he would make an effective one; his Bucs were always among the oldest teams in the NFL.  Still, his name keeps popping up, so it deserves mention.
• Lou Holtz- you may be laughing and making jokes with a lisp, but hear this one out.  Would you rather sit with that condescending little Mark May every fall Saturday, or be the ringmaster of an aerial circus led by Clausen and Tate (and get paid a hell of a lot more while you're at it)?  The, er, success of Bill Snyder at Kansas State and even more, Joe Paterno at Penn State shows that old can still be pretty awesome.  
• Urban Meyer- if thoughts of Brian Kelly make you swoon, what would happen to the world if Urban Meyer became head coach at Notre Dame?  What would God signal to the world?  Cancer and poverty might be cured!  Israelis and Palestinians would sing kum by yah together!  Oh, the (potential) joy of it all!  Well... too bad.  Ain't happening.  Simple reason-how can you leave for another college job after you've just won two national championships in a row (three in total) at your current school?  Monetary compensation couldn't be much better than he currently gets.  Recruiting would become exponentially more difficult.  Plus, dealing with those crazy boosters ain't a cakewalk either.  They don't want to lose current QB Jimmy Clausen or, god forbid, second-coming-of-Jesus backup Dayne Crist.  They surely would if Meyer came with his vaunted spread.  While it is Meyer's dream job, it just doesn't make sense for either side to join forces with the other.

Other good candidates, I'm sure, were left out.  Chris Petersen at Boise and Urban's DC Charlie Strong could get interviews; doubt they'd get the job, though.  In the end, Notre Dame has to make a decision- accept mediocrity as is, or keep shuffling head coaches every 5 or so years with the same old results.  I'm glad I don't have to decide.  Good luck, old Notre Dame.