Classless Predictions: Celebrity Impersonations Gone Bad...

Jaded: 77-35

Indignant: 62-50

Indignant: Week 10 is Celebrity Impression week.


Jaguars (4-4) @ Jets (4-4)
Indignant: As I stand on this tall building I witness the darkest caverns of deceit and hatred as they rear their ugly and indelible heads. When the blackened souls of Ryan and Sanchez attempt to rise to the occasion they will be defeated and brought to justice by Jones- Drew and the Jags.

(Batman ((go back and read it in a deep raspy voice as if you have SARS and haven’t had a glass of water – Ever.)) picks the Jags)

Jaded:
Mark Sanchez (as Princess Leia): [Sanchez is on the sideline watching MJD run in another TD] You know, we probably should have thought about telling him he could make more money in NY.  It didn’t work with Luke Crabtree or Brandon Marshall-Solo, but dammit the force is strong with that one…
Rex Ryan (as Jabba the Hutt): [in Huttese] I’m sure…
[Jabba…errr…Rex sticks out his tongue to lick Mark’s face.
Mark Sanchez: Whatt????

George Lucas everybody.  (Jets win…I think)
(Has anybody else noticed that I usually make fun of the team that I pick to win the most??)

Broncos @ Redskins (2-6)
Indignant: I was in Vegas talking to my buddies House, Douche-Nozzle, J-bug and Lame-Sauce about how famous I am and how I have been completely right about the Broncos being good this year. So then that led us to start talking about my book being #1 in the country and how all these journalist and radio guys are so jealous. We started saying how that relationship was totally like Styles and Boof in Teen-Wolf and then that started us talking about how blackjack is such a great male-bonding experience and I started smoking a Cig and talking about how my career has basically been a total under-dog story like Rocky and the Broncos are in that same boat. They’re basically like a high-school prom queen who becomes a porn actress. . . blah blah. . . cliché ridden analogy that I’ve already used 45 time this month.

(Bill “ESPN’s Sports Guy” Simmons picks the Broncos)

Jaded: 
- Hi!  I’m a MAC with a Redskins desktop.  I cost a LOT more money than the other guy and I stop the run errr viruses, but let’s be honest, I’m not really worth the money.
- Hi, I’m a PC with Windows 7 which was obviously named as such to pay homage to the great John Elway.  Sure, we bombed the last two chances with Baltimore and Pittsburgh (Or XP and Vista, up to you) but we set the bar sooo low I’m sure we’ll blow them away this time.  And yes, I AM the next best alternative.

I won’t lie, I hate Justin Long (Broncos)

Bengals @ Steelers
Indignant: Yinzz don’t understand how great the Stillers are. Yinz think they’re like totally not going to repeat this year, and everyone has totally been like thinking they weren’t that good but Yinz are wrong, ok? Yinz don’t even respect that Big Ben is better than Marino, Montana and Elway combined. Yinz are going to eat your words and I am going to eat my weight in Perogies when the Black and Gold goes back to the Super Bowl.

(incorrigible Steelers fan predictably picks the Steelers)

Jaded:  [The scene opens up seeing Carson Palmer talking to someone that we cannot see.]
Carson:  Come on man, we really need you out there.
???: Sorry buddy, we’ve been through a lot and I like you, but you cannot make me do this.
Carson:  We can’t do it without you, this is a BIG game against the Steelers.  And you NEVER show up for big games anymore…
[The camera spins around revealing Carson Palmer is actually talking to his knee.]
Carson’s Knee:  Yep, and we both know what happened the last time I showed up for a big game against Pittsburgh!  No thanks, I’m staying home.

(Pittsburgh – and I feel dirty for going there…)

Bills (3-5) @ Titans (2-6)
Indignant: Yee-Haw! Them there Titans done been winnin’ those there games. If they keep winning and scoring I’m gonna be happier than a pot-bellied pig with a banjo and toothbrush. I might even have sex with someone other than my sister! Yee-Haw!

(a Tennessean picks the Titans)

Jaded: Bad game = serial killer time
Buffalo Bill: It rubs the lotion on its skin.  It does this whenever it is told.
Vince Young: I thought I told you to kidnap the WHITE quarterback.
Buffalo Bill:  It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Vince Young (clearly seeing things at this point):  Yeah, and ya’ll thought I was crazy LAST year.
Buffalo Bill:  Put the #!?$*&# lotion in the basket!

(Titans)

Lions (1-7) @ Vikings (7-1)
Indignant: Brett Favre is just going to go out there and be a gun-slinger (hand starts moving down towards crotch). So maybe he forgot to shave and he wore his Wrangler Jeans to the stadium instead of a professional looking suit (starts rubbing himself). He’s just out here to have fun and be the gun-slingingest fun-havingest (unzips pants) 41 year old, Oh God I can’t take it anymore (pulls out wanker and goes nuts).

(the Media picks the Vikings)

Jaded: “Anytime you get a win, it’s special, ya know?  I know the Lions have never beaten me at home, but it’s still…oh what’s a good word…special to beat them.  How’s it feel to be 8-1?  It’s a special special feeling.  Is this what we were expecting?  Sure, but that doesn’t make it any less special.”

(Brett Favre in his postgame press conference after beating the Lions..by a lot)


Saints (8-0) @ Rams (1-7)
Indignant: St. Louis is a city that fully encompasses what the “real” America is. They aren’t retarded, silver-spoon, tree-hugging, Liberal fart-heads. There is a Civil War going on within our borders (eyes start to well up with tears). Since Barack Obama was elected, the Rapture’s descent upon us has literally exponentially sped up. (Starts bawling). I love America, the REAL America and I want to save it from ending. 1st step: get rid of all the black people.

(Glen Beck or Rush Limbaugh picks the Saints)

Jaded:  You’re still a racist, Rush, and you’re still not buying the team.  Stephen Jackson is hereby confined (read: doomed) to be a Ram for the rest of his life, and I won’t have you ruining that for me.

(Roger Gooddell shuts down Rush Limbaugh again and picks the Saints.)

Falcons (5-3) @ Panthers (3-5)
Indignant: My name is Dr. Jaded and I continue to be inexplicably tricked into believing Jake Delhomme, John Fox and the rest of my favorite team won’t take every shred of optimism left in my body, throw it on the ground, spray lighter fluid on it, light it on fire and then blow my brains out.

(Me pretending to be Dr. Jaded picks the Falcons)

Jaded:  My name is REALLY Dr. Jaded, and if California fell off the side of the country tomorrow I wouldn’t blink an eye, but thanks for thinking I was a big enough celebrity to warrant an impersonation. (Falcons)


Bucs (1-7) @ Dolphins (3-5)
Indignant:
“My name is Hennifer Hopez”
“And my name is. . . Actually, I, much like most of the world’s music fans have forgotten my name.”
“The fact that we own part of the Miami Dolphins is the only semblance of relevance to popular culture that we have anymore”
“O-Lay!”

(Two formerly famous latino musicians pick the Dolphins)

Jaded:  “Sure, Ronnie Brown’s a great athlete.  He throws TDs he runs for TDs, he even catches passes.  But until he can punt the ball, like me, he will never be the Slash that I was.  Besides, if they had the Wildcat when I was in Pittsburgh I’d be in the Hall of Fame instead of sitting here staring at Jamal Anderson’s ugly mug every stupid morning.  And it’s not herpes, they’re warts, chill out!”

(Kordell Stewart picks the Dolphins)


Chiefs (1-7) @ Raiders(2-6)
Indignant: My. . . name is. . . Ja.  . Marc  us. . Russ. . ELL. I like to play Footsballs. It is fun and I am good. Can I . . have . that Banana now?

(Jamarcus Russell picks the Chiefs)

Jaded:  Hi there, America, I’m here to speak about dreams.  Every young boy dreams about being a starting quarterback in the NFL when they grow up.  I’m no different.  Now that my dream has come true I’m always asked the same question:  “If you could go back in time and stay as Tom Brady’s backup, would you?” 

..abso-freakin-lutely, except when I play the Raiders.

(Matt Cassell picks the Chiefs)


Seahawks (3-5) @ Cardinals (5-3)
Indignant: What the hell did you just say? Of course not! Sell, Sell Sell! No way, she’s a whore! Well I used to be in construction, but now I rake these idiots over the coals so
I can buy a Bentley and another house in the French Riviera.

(Jesus picks the Cards)

Jaded:  The fact that Jesus speaks to you is MORE than enough to make me doubt my religion… (Cardinals)


Eagles (5-3) @ Chargers (5-3)
Indignant: Andy Reid was supposed to make the pick for this game, but he lost track of time and instead went to an Arby’s, ordered 300 chicken mcnuggets, kicked a field goal on 2nd down, then challenged the play.

(Eagles)

Jaded:  [A morbid bell chimes ten times]…

(The bell acknowledging the death of any fantasy owners who own either LT or Brian Westbrook…then they pick the Chargers??)

Cowboys (6-2) @ Packers (4-4)
Indignant: MY NAME IS BEEZELBUB AND I REPRESENT ALL THAT IS EVIL WITHIN THIS WORLD AND THE NEXT.

(Jerry Jones picks the Cowboys)

Jaded:  “Yeah, we’re in love.  I know you don’t think we are, but we are.  We sort of worked this all out where everybody would think we broke up so Tony could get back to business and have a finally have a GREAT year.  I wasn’t all for it, but Tony LOVED the idea.  He once told me we would get married when the Cowboys won a Super Bowl, I’m not sure why everybody laughed about it though.  And yes, I still believe Carrie Underwood is a slut.”

(Jessica Simpson picks the Cowboys, but her grasp on reality clearly cannot be trusted.  Her grasp on Ben & Jerry’s on the other hand is apparently unbreakable.)


Patriots (6-2) @ Colts (8-0)
Indignant: I love football! I played football for long time. My family is football good. I throw ball far. I’m retard strong!! (breathes heavily through mouth).

(Eli Manning gets confused and picks the Patriots)

Jaded: [The scene opens to a social services office somewhere in New Orleans.]
Archie Manning:  What do you mean I can’t trade sons?  I can get anybody traded that I want to dammit!  Ask San Diego!!
SS Worker:  Sir, even if it were possible to trade away children, Tom Brady is no longer a minor and you therefore cannot technically adopt him.
[Archie pulls a gun and blows off the head of the SS worker in the middle of the office, then throws Eli’s birth certificate on top of the fallen body. And forges her signature on a bunch of documents]
Archie:  The Mannings are taking over the world, nobody can stop us now.  Tom Brady has officially become my [other] son, and Eli…Eli is dead to me.

(Archie Manning picks his new son and the Patriots)
(P.S. I put 100% of the blame for the lameness of that paragraph on Captain Morgan…)


Ravens (4-4) @ Browns (1-7)
Indignant: (Sound of shotgun cocking) (sound of chair being dragged across floor) (sound of rope tightening into a noose)

(Browns fans collectively ending the pain and resigning to the fact the Ravens will shame them)

Jaded:  “I mean, if you REALLY think about it, the Browns in front of us aren’t even really the Browns, right?  The Jim Brown Browns moved to Baltimore and became the Ravens, so I’m not a traitor for rooting for them.  I’m like a Loyalist from the 1600’s or something like that.  Mmmmm…Great Lakes Christmas Ale.”

(Lonely problem drinking (delusional??) Cleveland fan picks the original Browns – the Ravens.)