Bears-49ers Preview: Defenseless Victims

Note: The quotes in this article are fictional.

The NFL Network’s first game this season features two teams quickly becoming afterthoughts in the playoff conversation. The Bears are 4-4 after a 41-21 home loss to the Cardinals, while the 49ers are 3-5.

“The Bears can’t stop the pass,” says Mike Singletary, “and we can’t stop the run. And the Village People Can’t Stop The Music . There was no rapping linebacker in that group, which is unfortunate for me, because I’ve always fancied myself in a flowing neckerchief.

“Now, if you’re aware of my coaching style, you know that I’ve got to be a macho man. Hopefully, that attitude will rub off on my players, because we really need to be physical to win.”

In a losing effort, Jay Cutler had a big day against Arizona, throwing for 369 yards and three touchdowns. The Bears had to abandon the run early after falling behind 31-7, so it wasn’t the type of big numbers Cutler desired.

“I think there’s a name for a game like that,” says Cutler. “It’s called ‘Cut And Pasted.’ When you dig yourself a hole early, there’s not much else you can do except fight to get out of it. If that entails throwing exclusively on every down, or sucker-punching a defenseless Cardinal, then so be it.

“Interestingly enough, in that game, there was one defenseless Cardinal and eleven defenseless Bears.”

Chicago wins 23-22.