An Open Letter to Dan Snyder

Dear Mr. Snyder:

How are things going for you? I know us Redskins fans are feeling pretty low during the bye week. I can't imagine you feel much better.

I'm glad you've taken the time to read this letter because I think there are a few things I can share with you that will help make your team better for next year.

First a few questions, if you don't mind.

First off, do you even pay attention to the news? I'm sure you don't watch the local stations much, I mean I can't remember a time since you bought the team that they have not bad-mouthed you.

If you don't watch the local stations, I will mention what you are missing. On NBC 4, there is this fine sports reporter, Lindsay Czarniak. She makes taking the unsettling news about the Skins that much easier. Wow, she's hot.

Sorry, got side tracked a little. Anyway, even if you don't watch the local channels, surely you've seen the mockery being made of your franchise on the national stations. 

ESPN, NFL Network, and even the video game channel G4 have all been poking fun at the Redskins, or as many people have taken to calling them, the "Deadskins."

But don't worry, Mr. Snyder (can I call you Danny?). Anyway, don't worry, Danny. I'm not one of those people. I know after this week we will rise up and smite everyone.

I mean it's not like the schedule is that tough in November, right? Oh, its the hardest schedule in the NFL? Oh well, Danny, my good man, we still will rise up!

Here's my second question: Is it hard to see all the national talking heads mock your every decsion year in and year out?

You must have skin thicker than a crocodile to be able to deflect all the slings and arrows that come your way.

Again, Danny, don't worry, because you still have me. I know this is all a part of your master plan. You're lulling the rest of the NFL to sleep. 

You want them to take your team lightly and then we shall strike like a pit viper and string together Super Bowl runs the likes of which have never been seen.

That leads me to my next question: After 10 years, don't you think the NFL is now truly sleeping on this team?

Wouldn't now be the ideal time to strike?

Wait, scratch that. Who am I to question your greatness, sir? I'm a nobody. Please, please, Great Snyder, do not smite me for questioning your all-knowing power.

However, Danny, I mean sir, I mean master, when will you stop playing the fool and show the world that you knew what you were doing all along?

Again, sir, I know your greatness, why else would Tom Cruise and Jamie Foxx want to "hang" with you? Surely not because of your money.

Also, sir, there is this guy in your oganization; I believe Vincent Cerrato is his name. I'm sure you at least know of him because I've seen you talking to him. However, if you don't, I understand—us mere mortals must look the same to you from your mount on high.

But back to Vincent, what does he do? Does he actually pick players and personnel? 

He must because I can't see you making the weird choices that have been made for this team, unless this is all part of your grand scheme which we discussed earlier.

However, I worry about overhead. Do you really need to pay this guy? As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't really do anything. 

I know it is awkward to fire someone, so why don't we fix the glitch? Stop sending him a check, move his desk to the basement, and take his red stapler. 

Eventually he'll get the idea, I think.

Let's talk about this Jim Zorn and Jason Campbell business. I believe you've torched those bridges good.

I'm not sure why you did this, but again, sir, I won't dare question your reasoning.  However, what are we going to do next year?

I'm sure you've been throwing a ton of money around at people to get the right coach in here and I don't blame you, but have you thought about Russ Grimm? I think he'd be great for the team, but again, sir, I defer to your wisdom.

As far as a quarterback, I hear your pal Sonny Jergenson can still sling the old pig skin around and I'm sure he'll work cheap. However, I hear he doesn't move too well these days, so we'll have to get a line around him.

Well sir, that's all I have for now. I hope the rest of your season goes well from here on out. I mean, the team isn't technically eliminated from the playoffs, so who knows? 

Maybe the rest of the NFC East will get a bad case of the swine flu, and you know what they say: "Once you're in the playoffs, anything can happen."

Your Biggest Fan,

Josh