Al Davis: Top Secret Meeting Transcript

Al Davis is getting a massage by a large massage therapist with a deep voice.

Massage Therapist: “How we doing Mr. Davis?”

Al: “Just fine.  Holy sheep dip, did I ever need this.  Oh lordy, that feels good!”

[knock on the door]

Al:  “COME IN!”

Senior executive John Herrera, PR man Mike Taylor and General Counsel Jeff Birren enter Al’s office

Al:  “Ah, my trusted  team of "yes men".  Have a seat.  Listen, let’s not beat around the bush. I don’t like this Tom Cable mess and I’m tired of ESPN dragging us through the mud.  What in Sam Hill is going on?”

Jeff Birren: “We’ve already advised ESPN”s legal division of....“

Mike Taylor: “I’m ready to release a timely public response sir....“

John Herrera:  “I bet Tim Kawakami had something to do with it.  Just say the word and I’ll kick his....”

Al:  “SHHHADDDUP!  Tell me something I don’t know.  I want to know why ESPN is investigating Tom Cable’s history with women. I mean, who cares?  I didn't even know he was married, twice even and then there's the girlfriend.  What kind of woman would be interested in Tom Cable?  He looks kind of—what's the word I'm looking for?"

John Herrera: “Overly aggressive?”

Al:  “That's two words!”

John Herrera:  "Bearish?"

Al:  "I don’t know what the hell that means but I’m humored.  I knew I kept you around for a reason John!"

(All politely laugh.)

Al: "Bearish!  I get it, like Castro Street.  That’s pretty good John.”

(Hearty laughter from all.)

Al: “Aright lets get down to business.... What i don't like about ESPN is this latest mud slinging has Chris Mortensen’s fingerprints all over it.  Even when he’s not taking credit for coming after us, he’s involved.”

Jeff Birren:  “The Cable story doesn’t target the organization, our role is tangential.”

Al:  “It makes us look bad.  Cable works for us and he’s smacking women around?  That’s not what we’re about.  Where do they come up with this garbage anyway? Why now, so close to the Hanson problem?”

John Herrera: “I don’t think the media likes us very much.”

Al:  “No kidding.  We never did find the mole in our ranks did we?  I’m still not sure our conversations are not monitored and reported to Mortensen.”

Massage Therapist: “Can you please shift to your left, Mr. Davis, so I can get your other side?”

Al:  “Oh sure”

Jeff Birren:  “We’ve had your office swept for hidden recording devices at least ten times since Kiffin was fired.  All computers are virus-free, according to our technical support people.”

John Herrera:  “I’ll have another polite conversation with Kawakami to make sure.”

Al:  “I’m  talking about Mortensen, not Kawakami!””

John Herrera:  “Right, got it”

Al:  "While we’re at it.  I don't need to remind everyone that this conversation is highly confidential.  I don’t know how we can have a media leak is in this building.  Our meetings are always held in  private."”

Massage Therapist:  "Should I leave Mr. Davis?"

Al:  "No, no, you stay.  Keep doing what you're doing.  Mike, issue a press release."

Mike Taylor: "Of course sir."

Al:  OK, Mike, write this down.  Hey, Tim—I mean, Chris, I'm tired of you dishing out crap and calling it journalism!  No wait, let me start over...."

Jeff Birren: "Maybe we should use some legal language, give it some backbone."

Al:  I like that idea, Jeff.  We can use fancy legal words.  That'll show 'em we know our business.  Nobody drags Allen Davis Football Inc. through the mud and gets away with it"

All:  "YEA!"

Al:  "John, fetch me my robe.  I’m feeling proud."

"Uh...."

Al:  "My bathrobe for cryin' out loud!"

John Herrera: “Do I have to really…touch it?”

Al:  "Never mind.  Alright, gentlemen, we all know what needs to be done."

John Herrera: "Fire Cable and hire a new coach?"

Al:  “That goes without saying.  Let's get to it.  See if that Elkins fellow is available.   We need new blood in here that won't embarrass the organization."

All: "YES SIR"