College Football's Worst: The Terrible Ten at Halloween

Hold on, man.  We don't go anywhere with "scary," "spooky," "haunted," or "forbidden" in the title.  ~From Scooby-Doo

Its the first Halloween since we bombed the moon.

Maybe the moon is mad and as George Carlin said, there are nights when the wolves are silent and the moon howls.

And maybe, with the moons help, and a trick or two, Memphis will beat Tennessee.

Its trick or treat time and scary Joe Paterno masks are everywhere.

But the genuine Nittany Nosferatu still stalks the sidelines waiting patiently for his prey and hoping his old rival, Bobby Bowden, calls it a day and crawls back to his castle.

Frankenstein fought the Wolfman, Dracula fought Frankenstein so why not let those two old  boys battle it out man to man, like Dracula vs the Mummy, for the all time win record? 

Coaching ghosts exist too. And I don't mean the wild shade of Woody Hayes rattling your cellar steps or Bear Bryant, still thirsty, banging a bourbon bottle over in your empty basement.

The coaches that haunted the sad Syracuse sidelines for many a torturous night returned last week to torment new victims as Greg Robinson's Michigan defense was savaged by Notre Dame and Paul Pasqualoni's Miami Dolphin defense was ravaged by the New Orleans Saints.

Bad old coaches, like old bugbears, don't fade away they just live to haunt another team, another day.

Unless, of course, ESPN hires them to babble all day.

This time of year some teams get sweet BCS treats and some sad teams get sourly tricked.

Some candy handed conference referees seem to be giving extra treats to their favored BCS conference children so they can make super money special treats for everyone involved in the conference.

The referees might look like they are wearing cheap zebra Halloween costumes but they know who gives them their treats, the league office.

And when the league office is happy, like they are when their favorite teams grab a big bowl of BCS bucks, everyone, even the zebras, in the league is happy.

That yellow flag? That's just a trick so we all get a share of New Years treats.

Strange calls abound this year.

Ghost calls? Phantom holds? Wraith roughness flags? Illegal daemon down field? Banshee blow to the head?

Every week is trick or treat time for some zebras.

As for bad tricks? This team of year is a tricky time for coaches.

Somehow it seems Ron Zook is going to keep his job by doing the old sacrifice your assistants to save your hide trick.

That old ruse was mastered by Telly Savalas, as Sergeant Foxy Tibbs, in the movie MacKenna's Gold. Crafty Sgt Tibbs wanted to keep his job, and all the gold, so he sent his men back, two by two, with messages until only two men were left.

The final two tricky Foxy shot dead.

And kept his job. At least for a little while.

Its always hard been hard being an assistant coach, movie monster, or western badman.

Now for this weeks Ghouls of the Gridiron.

1] Illinois [1-6]

Zook is going to play two quarterbacks this week, Juice Williams and Eddie McGee, in the Jekyll Hyde offense.

Or maybe the Infomercial offense. Since Juice McGee sounds like a special blender drink for severe post St Patrick's Harp hangovers, a super drink that is pawned past midnight by the forever lost in TV Land Limbo shade of Billy Mays.

Can't Ghost-hunters free the Billy Mays banshee from late night television limbo?

2] Rice [0-8]

Poor Rice was only a 10 1/2 point dog to Central Florida and it still got viciously whipped 49-7.

Even Texas Tobe Hooper couldn't pen a horror show as bad as Rice's season.

Maybe a win will wake the Rice football monster....and Rice will roar.

My candle was nearly burnt out, when, by the glimmer of the half-extinguished light, I saw the dull yellow eye of the creature open.

3] Western Kentucky [0-7]

Its been a hellish season for the Hilltoppers.

The Hilltoppers are so bad one can only quote its famous horror movie making alumni, John Carpenter, to provide them a glimmer of cheer.

Steve Wayne: [speaking hysterically over radio] There's something in the fog!

Yes there something in The Fog and its the 1-6 Mean Green of North Texas.

And its the only chance for the Hilltoppers to slay their win less season monster.

4] North Texas [1-6]

The Mean Green Grendels vs the Haunted Hilltoppers in the Halloween Horror Show Bowl?

Football fans will not see anything more scary then that unless they are going to see the Detroit Lions battle the St Louis Rams in the NFL Zombie Team Bowl. 

It's Halloween and fright night is fun.

Sheriff Leigh Brackett:It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare.

5] New Mexico [0-7]

If the Hills Have Eyes in Lobo land they may want to close them until this nightmare of a season ends. 

No wonder Mike Locksley wants to Michael Myers someone.

Maybe tis time for a luck changing audible.

Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

6] O'MAC [0-15] [ Eastern Michigan, Miami O for Miami of Ohio]

Eastern Michigan was long balled by bad Ball State last week and now they get a Halloween horror game in Arkansas.

The Miami O Red Hawks might be looking to put a stake through their season's heart soon or at least crawl into the casket till next summer.

7] Washington State [1-6]

The Cougars hope to catch Charlie Weis, the Sydney Greenstreet of South Bend, looking past them, and the Navy, in anticipation of the looming Crime Noir Bowl in Pittsburgh.

Its Kasper Gutman from the Maltese Falcon vs  Lieutenant Mike Torello from Crime Story in the Crime Noir Bowl in Pittsburgh in a few weeks.

Will Weis will be looking ahead to the menacing mustache of Dennis Farina look alike Dave Wannstedt in steel city?

ESPN needs Dashiell Hammett to do the pre game show.

And will Lee Corso don a a fez if he picks the Irish or will the mustache come out?

8] Memphis Tigers [2-6]

In attempt to motivate his men for their looming match up with Tennessee Memphis head man Wild Tommy West has been screening Bubba-Ho-Tep the scary tale of an old Elvis fighting an undead Egyptian soul sucker sacking a Texas retirement home.

Yes time are that desperate in Memphis.

If Elvis can come back from the dead , West figures, so can Memphis.

Maybe.

Elvis: [to Bubba Ho-Tep] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.

It's time for A-C-T-I-O-N!

9] Maryland [2-6]

Poor Ralph Friedgen, life as a head coach can be harsh.

One day the fans and boosters are joking about your girth and bestowing cheery monikers like the friendly Fridge and the next they be shouting out quotes from The Blob!

[On the radio to Washington]
Lieutenant Dave: I think you should send us the biggest transport plane you have, and take this thing to the Arctic or somewhere and drop it where it will never thaw.

The life of a losing coach is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short.

But a few wins can change the winds...ask Al Groh as he hangs on for the ACC title.

10] Colorado [2-5]

Colorado Dan Hawkins is hoping his win over Kansas saves his season and job.

Jack Torrance in The Shining, also a Colorado home game, thought his mid season victory over Scatman Crothers was going to save his season too.

Long win-less winters in Colorado can be rough on anyone.

Jack Torrance: Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in. Not by the hair of your chiny-chin-chin? Well then I'll huff and I'll puff, and I'll blow your house in.
[axes the door]

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

And all work and no wins is even worse.

At first cock-crow the ghosts must go/Back to their quiet graves below. -Theodosia Garrison