The NFL's Worst Teams: The Sad Sack Seven Special Halloween Edition

The sports books can't give the bad NFL underdogs enough points.

The bad teams in the NFL, and there are more at one time then any other time in the history of the league, are the worst ever fielded by the NFL.

Parity?

Nope, it's more like a highly priced pathetic product.

Poor play so terrible that even ever babbling ESPN is wondering how long fans will pay big bucks to see depressing NFL nightmares like the St Louis Rams, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, the Tennessee Titans, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders, the Detroit Lions, and the bad, bad Cleveland Browns.

And the Seattle Seahawks, Carolina Panthers, Chicago Bears, Buffalo Bills and Jacksonville Jaguars are not all that far behind, and in the case of Chicago closing, in the terrible team category.

Even the mad man in Saw was not sadistic enough to make his prisoners watch the Detroit Lions battle the St Louis Rams.

A sad, little viewed, spectacle the NFL will air this week.

The loser of that ugly wee affair will likely receive the number one pick in next years draft. A draft that likely will be the last one without a salary and so the first pick next year is a costly one teams wish to avoid at all costs.

Teams want to avoid the top pick next year like teens want to avoid Jason Voorhees playing beside a lonely cabin.

And the NFL expects fans to pay for Lions and Rams?

And the frightening thing, for ticket holders,  is that the majority of the very bad teams have very little chance of getting better in the next few years.

Freddy vs Jason was a bad way to spend your entertainment bucks but at least it had camp value and a little bit of offense.

More then can be said of the Browns or Rams.

Even with the price of popcorn Halloween Six had to be more thrilling then the Tennessee Titans bore bowl with the always sleep inducing Jacksonville Jaguars.

Thankfully the NFL has given the Kansas City Chiefs, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and the completely unhinged Washington Redskins a week off, or perhaps the players and coaches are just working at a cheap haunted hayride somewhere.

Or making the First, and last annual, Washington DC The Jim Zorn Zombie March?

Has a bye week ever been haunted by three clubs that bad in a single week?

1] Football In Missouri [1-13 with a 1 week Tiger bonus]

The state of Missouri, the St Louis Rams, Kansas City Chiefs, and Missouri Tigers were outscored 120-20 by the San Diego Chargers, Indianapolis Colts, and Texas Longhorns last week.

The Longhorns likely would be favored over the Rams, who are averaging a horrendous 8.5 points a game.

Who would pay full ticket price for the Rams vs Lions when for half the price one could buy all six Saw movies and suffer semi sanely at home?

In Kansas City always angry running back Larry Johnson might need to see Father Merrin from The Exorcist to drive out his demons or at least a meet with a good team of crack psychiatrist.

Meanwhile look out ladies of Kansas City because when Larry's mad, and his gay slurs seem angry enough, he does not hit holes hard, no Larry usually just hits, spits, pushes, or throws drinks on females hard.

Keep it classy Larry.

May he run into a mean Regan with a demon.

2] Tampa Bay Buccaneers [0-7]

The last made in Florida horror movie as bad as the Bucs was the forgettable Jaws 2, which, eerily enough, came out the same time as the 1977 Tampa Bay Buccaneers did.

The biggest favorites in NFL history, at 24 points, were the 1976 Pittsburgh Steelers vs those bad Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

That treasured point spread record might be broken when the Rams play the Saints in a few weeks but several of the terrible teams this year have less talent, and less hope, then those '76  Buccaneers.

3] Oakland Raiders [2-5]

JaMarcus Russell serves dual purposes.

He is a real Jekyll Hyde dual threat, serving as a bad for young quarterbacks on game-day and the best reason for a rookie salary cap.

Al Davis has created a haunted house that frightens fans and players alike.

Mad Al creeps through the cobwebs of his muddled mind looking for the glorious ghosts of Raiders gone by.

Meanwhile his head coaches play the role of the of the confused night manger in the old hotel in Orson Wells Touch of Evil.

The night manager just ignores everything, grins and checks the doomed guests in.

4] Cleveland Browns [1-6]

Ever been stuck in a movie theater watching a horrid horror movie that you know, very early on, was going to be not only a rotten waste of money but also a terrible bore?

That's how Browns fans feel as the Mangini era rolls its first reels this year.

Still Lovie Smith's Chicago Bears looked so amazingly bad in all aspects of the game last week the Browns, no matter how bad they are, just might batter the Bears this weekend.

5] Washington Redskins [2-5]

Ed Wood Junior was not a rich man but other then that he had much in common with Washington Redskin owner Daniel Snyder.

Both thought they were brilliant and both directed entertainment products which were utter nightmares.

Watch Plan Nine From Out Space and tell me you do not see many aspects of Daniel Snyder's football directorial skills in that mad mess.

Plan Nine runs like the Redskins offense.

But at least Ed Wood brought some excitement to his fans.

And Ed was a nice guy.

6] Tennessee Titans [0-6]

The Titans feel like strangers in a strange land.

What happened to the team that was the best in the regular season last year?

Invasion of the Body Snatchers is the only logical answer.

Wilma Lentz:There's no emotion. None. Just the pretense of it. The words, the gesture, the tone of voice, everything else is the same, but not the feeling.

7] Detroit Lions [1-5]

Some horror movie franchises run so long, and become so rancid, that even their most devoted fans begin to forget their new, rotten, releases and the franchise slowly fades to straight to cable camp. 

If it goes on long enough nobody, not even fans, really wants to watch it anymore.....unless they force it on you on Thanksgiving.

Six more for a Lucky Thirteen.

Chicago Bears [3-3] The Bears were as bad as any team ever Sunday.

Their offense was terrible in every aspect of the game but it was the defense, which Lovie Smith coaches, which really shined bright.

The defense could not tackle, rush the passer, or cover the pass other then that Lovie, calling secret plays from his clipboard, has them all coached up.

Carolina Panthers [2-4] When the bad, boring Buffalo Bills roll into the Carolina court and skin the cats its time for the credits to roll on the Jake and John Show.

Seattle Seahawks [2-4] Is there anything even remotely exciting about this team? Skill players, vicious defense, an exciting young runner or passer?

Is there anything to sell tickets in Seattle or are the Seahawks just sleepy in Seattle?

San Diego Chargers [3-3] Norv Turner does not make teams like the movie Drag Me To Hell no his type of team is usually Mire Me In Mediocrity or Lose Me In Limbo...exciting stuff like that.

Buffalo Bills [3-4] Does beating Carolina get Dick Jauron an extension? After all the Bills are only a player or thirty five away from making some real playoff noise.

Jacksonville Jaguars [3-3] Still rollicking from their last minute Ram victory Jags faithful, well except for the 30,000 or so who skip the show at each home game, eagerly await their exciting battle this week with win-less Tennessee.

And the Jags are that bad the Titans are favored by a field goal over them.