Classless Week 7 Predictions!! (with a Little Help From Seinfeld...)

Jaded = 50-23

Indignant = 38-35

O.K., so the records above point out that I am clearly getting my ass handed to me by Jaded. Drastic situations call for drastic measures. I’ve decided to beckon my inner George Costanza and start doing the opposite of every natural instinct I have when it comes to picking these games. Obviously there will be games like last weeks Eagles-Raiders debacle; but from now on, for every game that I even have to think about for more than 5 seconds I will pick the opposite team for which my brain ends up justifying victory. I will thus pick the games this week while honoring many of my various favorite quotes from Seinfeld, “Serenity now! Serenity Now!”


Chargers (2-3) @ Chiefs (1-5)
Indignant:
“All bald people look good in hats.”
“You should have lived in the twenties and thirties. You know, men wore hats all the time then.”
“What a bald paradise that must have been. Nobody knew.”

The Chargers have basically been a bald man (bad team, no chemistry, awful coach, with decent athletes) living in a hat-filled world (AFC West) for the past few seasons and are finally being exposed. (Chiefs)

Jaded:  To be honest, I think the Chargers have an interesting identity crisis going on.  The best teams in football usually do one thing really really well and that one aspect brings up the rest of the team.  The problem with the Chargers is that they are a big collection of talent with seemingly no motivation and no visible rapport between units that suggests they really drive each other.  In fact, aside from Phillip Rivers screaming at anybody on the field and Shawn Merriman screaming at women in private, I don’t see any cohesiveness between the guys on this team.  This might be the year this finally catches up to them and Norv Turner finally gets the boot.  

Speaking of Phillip Rivers; yes, he’s good.  But he’s not that good.  Why is the media so quick to forget about this same unit letting Drew Brees walk away a few years ago?  Don’t give me that ‘too invested in the draft pick’ crap either because if a few other teams bought into that we would still be watching Matt Leinart and Vince Young missing Saturdays on Sundays.  I don’t care if you have a young QB waiting, your core was too damned good to expect to wait on Phillip Rivers to be ready.

“You f***ed yourselves, San Diego”

…Damn it, you KNOW I’ll type anything on the teleprompter!!

That said, I still think they win this week.  I acknowledge that I effectively just wasted thirty seconds of your time and I don’t care.  (Chargers)



Colts (5-0) @ Rams (0-6)
Indignant:
“Remember, don't whistle on the elevator.”
“Why not?”
“That's what Willie Loman told Biff before his interview in Death of a Salesman.”
“What, you are comparing me to Biff Loman? Very encouraging: the biggest loser in history of American literature.”
I mostly like using this because it’s a quote inside of a quote and I’m using it to reference a completely unrelated subject. So clearly the Rams are the Biff Loman of the NFL. Who, in American literature then, is the best comparison for the Colts? I’m not really sure, but Brett Favre would DEFINITELY be the Old Man and the Sea. (Colts)

Jaded:  Hmmmm….  Who says high school English is useless in the real world?  If I hadn’t slept through most of that I might not be struggling this hard to answer that question.  Since I have no recollection of any of the events that occurred in my life after I discovered alcohol, I’m pretty much doomed to pick someone from elementary literature – and it’s not American Lit but I’m going with it anyway.  That said, I guess they have to be C.S. Lewis’ Aslan.  The analogy fits perfectly as it seems the Colts can be powerful whenever they choose to but NOT powerful enough to ruin it for everybody else.  Besides, Aslan is essentially Christ and makes four British brats look like gods.  

Yep, if they sold gold medals with Peyton Manning on a cross I would probably wear it on my neck.  (Colts)


Packers (3-2) @ Browns (1-5)
Indignant:
"Elaine, what percentage of people would you say are good-looking?"
"Twenty-five percent?"
"Twenty-five percent?"
"Um-hmm."
"No way! It's like four-to-six percent. It's a 20-to-1 shot."
"You're way off."
"Way off?"
"Yeah."
 "Have you been to the motor vehicle bureau? It's a leper colony down there."
"So, basically, what you're saying is 95 percent of the population is un-date-able?"
"Un-date-able!"
"Then how are all these people getting together?"
"Alcohol."
Neither of these teams are pretty. The Packers made the score look good last week. They played a beat up Detroit team though and still had to settle for 4 field goals. The Browns, well that’s where the leper colony comparison comes in. (Packers)

Jaded:  This happens every freaking’ year.  Some decent team with great potential realizes that they can’t compare to the other juggernauts in the league and they just accept mediocrity out of the gate.  Trouble is, the Packers are too good to lose to some of these teams even when they don’t try (or coach, or look for their best receiver, or run the ball logically) and not good enough to beat the teams that are better than them.  The Browns aren’t better than the Packers.  (Packers)

Vikings (6-0) @ Steelers (4-2)
Indignant:  
Rental Car Agent – “I know why we have reservations.”
Jerry – “I don't think you do. If you did, I'd have a car. See, you know how to take the reservation, you just don't know how to hold the reservation and that's really the most important part of the reservation, the holding. Anybody can just take them.”
Much like the rental car companies of the world are not able to hold a reservation, the Steelers have struggled mightily with holding leads late in games. Also much like rental agents, Steeler players and fans remain arrogant, annoying and smarmy. Opposite alert = (Steelers)

Jaded:  I wish God liked me as much as he apparently likes Brett Fav-ray.  It’s almost November and it snowed here (in Pittsburgh) last weekend.  Yet, the ancient prick comes to town and God sends fifty degree weather so Brett has a chance to win a huge game on the road.  I don’t think he will, but that doesn’t mean that I’m any less bitter about it.  Any chance Brett wants to play here every weekend from October through April?  (Steelers)




Patriots (4-2) @ Bucs (0-6)
Indignant:
“It has come to my attention that you and the cleaning woman have engaged in sexual intercourse on the desk in your office. Is that correct?”
“Who said that?”
“She did.”
“Was that wrong? Should I not have done that? I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to plead ignorance on this one, because if I had known that sort of thing was frowned upon...”
The Patriots, much like George Costanza, can be the most self-centered, egotistical, ignorant and self-serving people in their respective arenas. They Patriots are one of the few teams that would’ve completely run up the score on a beaten and defiled Titans team last week. And they loved every minute of it. (Patriots)

Jaded:  Is there any chance that London thought they’d be welcoming the American Patriots two hundred years ago?  Is this Roger Goodell’s way of sticking in the proverbial needle?  Regardless, I’m hoping the crowd gets behind the Bucs, the Pats run up the score, and London revolts and gets their revenge on a ‘William’ two-plus centuries later.

What??  It’ll be good TV.
(Patriots)






49ers (3-2) @ Texans (3-3)
Indignant:  
“Like you didn't call me a phony?”
“What? [to Kramer] Thanks! Real good, Jerry! First of all, I think you completely misunderstood what I said. I meant it in a complimentary way. I mean, you know when people say, "He's bad," it really means he's good, sort of thing? You know, slang.
Use it in a sentence.”
“Man, that Michael Jordan is so phony. [to Kramer] Why'd you tell him?”
This is possibly the week where we find out which one of these teams is phony. Every year these two teams are among the top “sleeper” picks in the league and every year they both underachieve. It seems like we may be going down that road again but it may be too soon to tell. Cleary my first inclination would be 49er’s, so opposite time! (Texans)

Jaded:  Alright, it was fun while it lasted.  We’ve spent six weeks giggling over sleepers and trying to distinguish spoilers from suckers.  I won’t lie, I enjoyed it, but it’s time to get down to business.  After six weeks of this, I’m washing my hands of it.  If it weren’t for games like this my record would be much much better.  If I were a parent (hahahahaha) I’d send both of these teams to a timeout and inform them to figure out which one of them sucked and not to come back until they settle on something.  Either that or they’re both grounded.  (Texans at home)





Jets (3-3) @ Raiders (2-4)
Indignant:
“You're in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle. So you think to yourself, "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.”
Now how much would you pay to watch Rex Ryan and Tom Cable fight over a doughnut lying on a pile of trash? $5,000? $5,000,000?  By the way, who would’ve thought 3 weeks ago that the Jets would be the team more closely resembling trash in this match up?  (Jets)
Jaded:  Seee, Sanchez and I are soul mates.  We both live on the East Coast but would give our left testicles to relocate out west where we’ll never be cold and our love would fit right in (I’m not gay, I’m just working an analogy – or something).  He’s not losing in California, right?  (Jets)  


Bills (2-4) @ Panthers (2-3)
Indignant: “Oh, it's "Risk." It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.”
This quote can apply to this game in a couple of different ways. You could either be calling out the ineptness of the quarterbacks or you could be pointing out the craptastic leadership and coaching ability of Jauron the skeletor impersonator or John “dumb like a” Fox.  (Bills)

Jaded:  I refuse to acknowledge any Panthers game from now on.  I can’t figure them out and I’m not sure I want to.  The only thing I know is that when they win this week they’re going to be the WORST .500 TEAM EVERRRRR!  At least at this point in the season don’t go throwing the week two 2009 Raiders at me… (Panthers)



Bears (3-2) @ Bengals (4-2)
Indignant:
“Well, I mean birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year's gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake we know it's not to be. That for the rest of our sad, wretched, pathetic lives, this is who we are to the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably. Happy birthday? No such thing.”
“I'm disturbed, I'm depressed, I'm inadequate, I've got it all!”
These two quotes are from an episode in which Jerry gives his best attempt to be a negative, depressed character instead of his usual “funny” self. The Bengals were trying very hard to deceive us all by pretending to be a “good” team for the first part of the season. I’m still not sure if I’m buying it though. (Bears)

Jaded:  Let’s see:  Cedric Benson, Carson Palmer, Marvin Lewis.  I’m NOT buying it.  I fell for two thirds of that kool aid a few years ago and then Carson went and blew out his knee dooming me to the first of what feels like fifty Super Bowls for the Steelers.  On a side note, I’m not sure why but I could literally care less about this game.  (Bears)



Saints (5-0) @ Dolphins (2-3)
Indignant:
“How long it takes to find a bra? What's going on in there? You ask me to get a pair of underwear, I'm back in two seconds...you know about the cup sizes and all? They have different cups.”
 “I know about the cups.”
“You got the A, B, C the D. That's the biggest.”
“I know the D is the biggest. I've based my whole life on knowing that the D is the biggest.”
This is one of my all time favorite quotes from Seinfeld. I didn’t really have any other game where I could apply it other than this one. The Saints are clearly the D cups of the NFL. (Saints)

Jaded:  Too easy, Indignant.  D’s are nice, but sometimes aren’t they a little too much?  Eventually they’re going to sag and there’s no bouncing back from that.  (See what I did there??) (Saints)



Falcons (4-1) @ Cowboys (3-2)
Indignant:
“I got news for you: handicapped people, they don't even want to park there! They wanna be treated just like anybody else! That's why, those spaces are always empty.”
“He's right! It's the same thing with the feminists. You know, they want everything to be equal, everything! But when the check comes, where are they?”
“What's that suppose to mean?”

“This is our best model: The Cougar 9000. It's the Rolls Royce of wheelchairs. This is like...you're almost glad to be handicapped.”

The cowboys relate to this in a couple of ways. They’re basically the smartest retard on the block, i.e. the Cougar 9000. Also they are basically glad to have a semi-capable QB and fool us every year into thinking they’re a legit contender. They’re handi-capable! But. . . opposite alert! (Cowboys)

Jaded:  I have one question concerning this game:  If the Falcons string up 40+ does Joe Buck actually die in the booth?  His faux-enthusiasm anytime anybody scores against the Cowboys is honestly an insult to my intelligence.  I really thought he was going to throw his headset and storm off and throw a tantrum like Taylor Swift last month at the VMAs when the Chiefs tied that game.  It’s a shame too, the Chiefs comeback was cool and all, I’m happy for them and I’ll let them finish, but Miles Austin had ONE OF THE BEST TOUCHDOWNS OF ALL TIME.   (Falcons)



Cardinals (3-2) @ Giants (5-1)
Indignant:
“You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.”
The Giants got caught with their proverbial wieners hanging out in the parking garage at the Superdome last week. I’m not sure if I am buying it that they have Uromeisitisis though. The Cardinals have been pretty inconsistent as well but picking the Giants would clearly be my first instinct, so . . . (Cards)

Jaded:  Speaking of wieners, does anybody else think the Cardinals are borderline impotent?  Alright, maybe impotent might be a little strong, but if the Cardinals were a sex drive, they would be that of my ex girlfriend.  Once a month she went nuts and the other three weeks she just kinda let me dry hump her leg but never wanted to finish.  Based on last week, they’re not even ovulating yet.  (Giants)



Eagles (3-2) @ Redskins (2-4)
Indignant:
“I was talking to this guy, you know, and I just happened to throw my purse on the sofa and my diaphragm goes flying out. So I just froze, you know, "ahh!", staring at my diaphragm. You know, it's just lying there. So then, this woman, the one who sold me this hair thing, she grabbed it before the guy noticed, so, I mean, big deal, right? So I carry around my diaphragm, who doesn't? Yeah, like it's a big, big secret that women carry around their diaphragms. You never know when you're gonna need it, right?”
The Eagles were embarrassed last week by the Raiders. They basically had their diaphragm fly out in the black hole. They do this at least 1-2 times every year around this time though. I think it’s just to make sure the Philly fans don’t get too complacent and can keep bemoaning Reid and Mcnabb. They feed off the negativity in that city. And if last week was comparable to your diaphragm flying out, losing this week would be like shitting your pants on a first date.  (Eagles)

Jaded:  I haven’t done this enough this week so I’m going to finish off this week by piggy backing your idea.  This is the first time the Redskins have played a team with a win all year.  In guy world this means they’ve been playing virgins.  So striking out is ‘A-OK’ we’ve all done it.  At this point they haven’t been able to get through a bunch of virgins, how exactly are they going to get through a bunch of whores like Philadelphia?  (Eagles)