College Football's Midseason Stella Awards

Grab some popcorn and hide the kids. It's time for the midseason Stella Awards. Because we know you can't wait til the end of the year. Because we know there's another month and a half left for more shenanigans. Because we all need to scream, "Stella" after handing out these awards. Because Stella is some damn fine beer.

"Best Impression of Football Competence by a Basketball School" Award

Oh, to be the school where everyone dreams of playing hoops. So OK, a lot of schools field football teams, but who are we kidding? We expect a very minimum of football excellence from UCLA, Kentucky, North Carolina, North Carolina State, Arizona, Syracuse and....hmmm...who are we missing here?

Sure this year's winner lost to the Richmond Spiders, but they did beat Army, dammit. And they scored 26 points on Virginia Tech. And beat NC State. And have a better record than Florida State.

Winner: Duke

"Most Technologically Challenged Coach" Award

Is it Joe Paterno for calling Twitter "tweedle-doo or tweedle-dee"?

No, no, football nation, this Stella award winner has blessed us with a photo tour of his pirate-fetish themed office. Paterno wouldn't be caught dead with booty near his desk.

Ah yes, mateys, we are talking about a Big 12 coach who retaliated against Texas Tech linebacker Marlon Williams when he tweeted about how he was waiting in a meeting room and the head coach couldn't get there on time.

Captain Hook had a hissy fit and banned twitter from the players, saying:

It’s “a bunch of narcissists that want to sit and type stuff about themselves all the time. We’ll put mirrors in some of their lockers if that’s necessary, but they don’t have to Twitter.”

Winner: Mike Leach

"Worst Heisman Campaign" award

The preseason hype was everywhere, the website was up. And then, the California Golden Bears did what they always do every season—tank consecutive games.

When the eyes and ears of voters are watching their star running back, Jahvid Best, get stuffed at the line and thrown to the ground like a spawning salmon going upstream, it's time to think about backing up your star athletes with some blocking, not hype.

It's too bad too, because Best is a nice guy with great talent. Way to go Bears.

Winner: Jahvid Best's teammates

Worst Performance by a Mascot

There's nothing like watching a grown man come galloping out on a horse to stir up the emotions of a crowd as he takes the field.

There's nothing more surprising then, than seeing that mascot, with plume on hat, waving in the wind, getting bucked off that horse on live television, and then struggling to get back on his mount.

Winner: Virginia Cavaliers

"Most Overrated Player" award

We wanted to root for him—after all, he kept us on pins and needles as to which school he was going to commit to. He was the most exciting quarterback in high school and everybody wanted him.

So far, he's exciting alright, but for all the wrong reasons. Watching this quarterback's ball in the air is like watching a wounded duck take flight. It's not pretty, and its direction seems to be somewhat of a mystery.

But hey, he's a student-athlete, as in one who has a scholarship at a school of higher learning. Obviously, he's still learning, as evidenced by this dilly: "Not everybody is a perfect person in this world. I mean, everyone does....kills people, murders people, steals from you, steals from me."

We should have known he was made for the microphone when he announced his intentions to play for the Buckeyes by saying, "University of Ohio State." D'oh!

Winner: Terrelle "I just love Mike Vick" Pryor

"Beat a Dog When He's Down" Award

You put over 40 years of your life into a school's football team, win two national championships along the way, win five conference championships in the last decade, and when your team isn't up to snuff? You get kicked to the curb like a mangy mutt.

They love you Bobby, they just love the Seminoles more. They said so.

Winner: Florida State University

"Are We Having Fun Yet?" Award

They are managing to win just enough games to keep their coach from shopping at Wal-Mart for flame-retardant underwear again this year.

His hot seat has cooled, but have no fear Cavaliers fans, we know eventually you'll find a reason to have the proverbial couch meet a butane lighter.

In the meantime, being voted one of the five worst coaches of the 2007 season and still having a job after losing to William and Mary (Mary didn't show up, by the way) this year causes one to pause and reflect, doesn't it?

After all, a Virginia Tech fan supposedly started a website called DontfireAlGroh.com.

Winner: Al Groh

"Worst Power Couple" Award

Give it up to this duo for proving that when you're a professional football player, you need to coach those student-athletes better on how to lie with a straight face and not pee in your pants when going face-to-face with the NCAA.

After all, it's been three years since the Bush scandal, and who's still laughing now?

Winners: Deion Sanders and Dez Bryant

"Most Disappointing Game" Award

The build-up for this game was incredible. But the game's outcome was not in doubt—the underdog Razorbacks were going to beat the Gators.

Of course, little did the fans in the stands know that Phil Cuzzi and C.B. Bucknor were secretly officiating this game. In a game of divine intervention by the SEC officiating crew, our young hero Tim Tebow launched an under-thrown pass and was blessed by the refs who determined there should be pass interference because Timmy deserves another shot.

The man upstairs has spoken.

Winner: Arkansas-Florida

"Awful Announcing At Its Worst" Award

If a wide receiver catches a pass, runs forty-five yards, and then loses the ball at the goal line, should we be listening to an announcer ask if it's an incomplete pass?  And debate it endlessly, thereby making themselves look not as smart as a fifth grader? Stella!

Winner: The SEC ON CBS

"The Kanye West Disrespect" Award

Was this a mistake? Don't kid yourself. Phil Knight is a marketing genius, but he fell a few notches after this ridiculous USC Trojans licensed apparel was put on the market.

Obviously, only a clueless Euro who wants to look like an American football fan would buy this tragedy of color.

The big question, of course, is who is more insulted by this? USC or UCLA? I guess it depends on whether we are in football or basketball season. For Nike's spring line, Knight will be introducing scarlet and gray Wolverines wear.

Winner: Nike

"The TMI" Award

Sure the Gators get flack for scheduling cupcakes. But it's just because no one will play them, right? Wrong. Gators fans can now eat crow from the rest of football nation after this quote:

"'What happens in 2013 and longer, we'll probably start working on I-AA games,' UF associate athletics director Greg McGarrity told the Sentinel."

Too much information. No room for debate here. Gators like cupcakes. We knew it.

Winner: Florida Gators

"The Beavis and Butthead" Award

Every year the Pac-10 officiating crew comes under scrutiny, and yet every year, they are still equipped with those missile-powered yellow hankies in their pocket. It boggles the mind.

Didn't Oklahoma get the west coast shaft a few years ago in the Oregon Ducks game? Sure it's conceivable to miss a call, but three in one game?

The USC-Notre Dame is a shining example of ineptitude from the Pac-10 crew. The Fighting Irish's fake field goat attempt, which resulted in a TD on the next play, was an "illegal substitutions to deceive" after further review by Dave Cutaia, Pac-10 officiating coordinator.

Instead of first-and-goal, there should have been a five yard penalty and a redo on down, making it fourth-and-seven on the 32-yard line.

But there's more! Taylor Mays was dinged twice for 15 yarders—once in the first quarter, when Mays allegedly hit a runner out of bounds. Except, he was inbounds, according to Cutaia. 

Finally, on the Irish's last drive, Mays was flagged for another 15-yarder after officials ruled he hit a defenseless receiver in the head. Cutaia came to the conclusion that Mays led with his shoulder, went over the top of the receiver, and did not contact the receiver above the shoulder.

Of course, Mays' two penalties caused ESPN's Colin Cowherd to call Mays the most "overrated safety" in the country.

Sure the SEC crew stinks, but west coast fans can proudly point at their own crew and say, "We're No. 1." And Colin, how's that foot tasting in your mouth right now? (But we still think you're cool.)

Winners: Pac-10 officiating and Colin Cowherd

And I hereby nominate myself for a Stella award after making two gaffes in this article.  Bounceback from the flu is a bitch.