John Cena Goes to ECW (Part 2) - Humor

William Regal opens tonight’s ECW and he is not happy. He is voicing his displeasure about John Cena’s atomic wedgie submission hold, and telling everyone who will listen that it is not a legal hold.

He continues to say that because the hold is illegal, he should be named the No. 1 contender for the ECW championship. For a man who hasn’t won a match since sometime in the early summer, he makes a good case.

Then Tiffany’s music hits….

As she walks to the ring we get a glance at Matt Striker and Josh Matthews at the announce table. Striker is busy looking at a thesaurus trying to determine what big words to impress the audience with tonight.

Josh Matthews is playing Pokémon on his Game Boy Advanced!!

As soon as she gets to the ring, Regal continues to rant and rave about being the deserving No. 1 contender. Tiffany is in deep thought .

Finally hearing enough, John Cena comes to the ring.

As he’s making his way down the ramp, Striker is about to shower Cena with compliments when Matthews cuts him off. He describes Cena as, radical, tubular, gnarly, and bodacious.

Seems like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles had a profound impact on Josh Matthews’s vocabulary.

Regal insults Cena, calling him a gaumless immature loll. Cena responds calling Regal “Captain Poopy Pants.”

Advantage Cena.

The two trade insults for roughly three minutes and 20 seconds when suddenly Tiffany has a revelation.

She announces a huge eight-man tag match for this evening with Regal, Ezekiel Jackson, Vladimir Kozlov, and Sheamus on one team vs. Cena, Christian, Shelton Benjamin, and Yoshi Tatsu.

If Regal’s team wins, he will be the No. 1 contender and likewise if Cena’s team wins, Cena will be the No. 1 contender.

Brilliant move by Tiffany, placing 4/5 of the roster in one match.

Coming back from commercial break, Matthews and Striker provide the audience with an update on Batista’s latest injury.

In an unfortunate accident at home, Batista again tore his bicep doing of all things; his laundry.

He is expected to miss four to six months.

With so many ECW Superstars involved in the huge eight-man tag match, and with other superstars missing for various reasons (Zack Ryder attending the Backstreet Boys reunion show, The Hurricane helping old ladies cross the street, Goldust posing as the Golden Globe Statue, and Tyler Reks presumed dead) there will only be one other match this evening.

Tommy Dreamer is already in the ring awaiting his opponent who is revealed to be Paul Burchill.

As Burchill makes his way to the ring, we notice that his sister Katie Lea is dressed up in her pajamas, apparently she plans to take a nap during the match tonight.

Both men trade moves for a few minutes while Katie Lea makes herself comfortable on floor (she looks very lonely without any other Divas on the roster for her to have a sleepover with).

Dreamer gains the upper hand and is poised for victory; the spirit of ECW is alive and well. Just as he closes in on the win, Katie Lea jumps up and slips a dozen jelly donuts into the ring.

Alas the ECW spirit is strong, but not that strong. Dreamer eats himself into a food coma and immediately passes out, allowing Burchill to cover him for the win.

“What a tremendous match, Katie Lea is always an X-factor at ringside.” says Striker.

“Why does Gary always pick the Pokémon that has an advantage against mine?” laments Matthews.

Backstage, Cena is giving a little pep talk to his team. Cena has a way to motivate anyone who listens to him. Yoshi looks like he is ready to take a bullet for Cena.

Coincidentally, this speech has motivated me to drop 10 pounds, God Bless you John Cena!!

“Just a reminder fans, that next week’s guest host for Monday Night Raw will be Mickey Mouse!” exclaims a giddy Josh Matthews.

Josh Matthews is indeed a card-carrying member of the Mickey Mouse Club.

Just then the bell sounds, announcing the start of the main event.

Sheamus is the first to make his way down to the ring, but there is something noticeably different about him tonight. Apparently someone was out in the sun to much while the WWE toured California because Sheamus is as red as a tomato.

The Irish can drink with the best of them, unfortunately tanning is not their thing.

Next, Regal and the Roundtable make their way down the ramp. As they’re walking down Big Zeke takes offense to one of “The Sign Guy’s” signs and instead of simply ripping the poster up, he eats the man whole.

Yoshi is the first man to come to the ring for Cena’s team. The crowd gives him a decent pop, but that may have to do with his awesome new entrance music . 

Shelton Benjamin follows Yoshi to the ring and wastes no time showing off his impressive physical gifts as he performs a difficult front triple-axel 360 flip and….sticks the dismount!

Both Regal and Jackson seem fairly impressed by this show of athleticism, however, Kolzov keeps his cold, distant expression on his face.

It has always been difficult for Americans to impress the Russians when it comes to gymnastics.

ECW Champion Christian comes out to a lukewarm response. One common misconception, when Christian stares out into the crowd, he isn’t looking for his “peeps.”

He is actually looking to see if his former tag team partner Edge is in attendance. Christian really wants to impress Edge in hopes of getting the old team back together so that he can relive the glory days.

John Cena is the last one to make his entrance. He comes out to huge high pitched pop. He quickly salutes his shorts, then runs to the ring with such speed that he actually breaks the sound barrier.

Seeing that Matthews is immersed in his Pokémon quest, Striker takes advantage and begins reaping more praise on Cena. This time he calls him mesomorphic, vehement, jaunty, and delicious…

Matt Striker officially has a man-crush on Cena.

The pace of the match starts of very quickly with Christian in the ring against Regal. The teams go back and forth trading momentum for several minutes until Yoshi gets tagged in.

Upon entering the match, Yoshi finds a magic star and is temporarily invincible. For about 15 seconds Yoshi gets to know what it feels like to be John Cena every day.

Unfortunately for Yoshi, those stars don’t last forever.

Unaware that he was no longer invincible, he tries to take on Kozlov and promptly gets squashed . With his last effort, he makes a tag to Benjamin.

Shelton makes a point to go after Sheamus, but is cut of by Big Zeke. After hitting Zeke with a spinning heel kick, Shelton leaps to the top rope in one jump.

Striker is not impressed, telling the audience that Cena can leap tall buildings in a single bound.

Before Shelton can do anything else, he is pushed off the top rope by Regal and crashes to the floor.

Christian, still trying desperately to impress Edge, attempts to hit his springboard off the top rope, but Kozlov moves at the last moment and Christian hits the floor hard.

Cena had unknowingly made a blind tag on Christian while he was on the top rope making him the legal man.

Cena simply stares at Regal and his heart temporarily stops.

Kozlov and Jackson are charging at Cena at full speed but he stops them in their tracks with his ice breath.

That just leaves Sheamus and Cena. Cena dodges a few wild punches from Sheamus then hits him so hard with a Five Star on his back that his whole body turns its normal pale color again.

Sheamus is stunned by the maneuver. This allows Cena time to perform the Attitude Adjustment and pick up the pin and the win for his team, thus finally making Cena the No. 1 contender for the title.

“What a great match, Cena is your new No. 1 contender!” exclaims Striker

“Uh huh,” responds a distracted Matthews.

“Josh, I’ve been meaning to ask you, why did you rename your rival John Cena?”

“Because this is the only way anyone can beat John Cena”

“Umm… Josh, he just beat you,”

“Son of a …..”