The NFL's Worst Week Six: Six Teams To Make Fans Sick

1] St Louis Rams [0-6]

Averaging a nifty nine points a game, offensive guru's Dick Curls' secret three field goal game plan, the Rams were left behind by the suddenly victorious cross state Kansas City Chiefs.

Despite being an all time terrible team, and being subjected to endless Rush Limbaugh saturation media bombing, the Rams almost rallied and routed the always uninspiring Jacksonville Jaguars and Jack Del Rio in Jacksonville.

After this weeks slaughter by the Indianapolis Colts, in the old Marshall Faulk Bowl, the 0-16 Rams are gearing up for a showdown with 1-23 Detroit Lions in what promises to be one of the worst games in NFL history not played between the Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills.

Knowing that the the Rams last win was a routing of the Jerry Jones Cowboys in the Eddie Jones Dome last October 19 in Missouri Ram's faithful  are planning to chant "We Want Romo!" this week at home.

2] Tampa Bay Buccaneers [0-6]

Just when the Limeys thought we had forgiven them for burning Washington during the war of 1812 we make them watch the dreadful Buccaneers stumble through London in an offensive fog.

Other then off chance of a wild werewolf on the moor biting a few players the Patriots Bucs game will be a big bore.

I mean if the Wildcat offense scares defenses imagine what Vince Wilfork running the werewolf would do?

If Raheem Morris morphed into a wolf man it might inspire the Buc or at least conjure up images of a howling Mike Ditka foaming and frothing on the Chicago Bears sideline circa 1984.

But most likely the game will be a blowout and the biggest question will be if Bill Belichick or Tom Brady return from London with phony British accents like Madonna.

3] Washington Redskins  [2-4]

If Sherman Lewis, after a five years in limbo, being pulled from the Michigan bingo and meals on wheels senior circuit is the answer for the Redskins what exactly was Washington's question?

Since two of Daniel Snyder's top coaching candidates, Captain Lou Albano and Doctor No, both recently died the Redskin owner ought to go with his gut and just hire Tom Cruise as head coach and let him Oprah couch bounce in his Nazi Valkyrie gear to motivate his faltering team.

Maybe the strange new Cruise assistants can wander the sidelines in full Psychlo Battlefield Earth gear and mutter motivational sayings.

"I am going to make you as happy as a baby Psychlo on a straight diet of kerbango."

That's the weird path, the chaos, panic, disorder highway, that Washington is dancing down.

4] Tennessee Titantics [0-6]

A Tennessee remake of the Titanic?

If Bud Adams is Captain Smith at the controls then Jeff Fisher and Kerry Collins must be Jack and Rose.

The fans might want a Nashville skyline soundtrack to go down with though.

"Music to drown by. Now I know I'm in first class."

5] Detroit Lions [1-23]

The Spirit of Detroit Statue has more mobility then Lion quarterback Daunte Culpepper and the Lions would have a better chance with the big bronze boy in the pocket.

Most of the NFL starting quarterbacks are below average or bad but their back ups are really, really Brady Quinn bad.

The Lions must long for the long gone golden days of Jon Kitna.

6] Cleveland Browns [1-5]

What type of sad broken down beasts have these bad Browns and their mums the word coach become?

Well even Bengals are cracking chokes. Its bad when you crack the Bungles up.

The Browns plan of not paying Joshua Cribbs, their only scoring threat, and setting him free seems to fit perfectly into their 11 points a game offensive scheme.

Maybe Mangini can send Cribbs to the Jets.

Maybe Mangini is still working for the Jets.

Seven Squads almost as bad.

Kansas City Chiefs [1-5] For one glorious week the Chefs are the Pro Football Kings of Missouri.

Oakland Raiders [2-4] When Coach Tom " I'll f**** kill you" Cable received a fifteen yard flag for screaming at the referee didn't you think for a moment he might just crack the zebra with a big, brutal bone crushing Cable claw?

Seattle Seahawks [2-4] When did the return of Matt Hassleback become Joe Montana coming back to the 1988 San Francisco Forty Niners?

Buffalo Bills [2-4] Even though they beat Little Buddy in Gotham would anyone really pay to see this ball club play? Even in Canada in winter?

New York Jets [3-3] Losing nose tackle Kris Jenkins will do for the Green Slime defense what losing Stonewall Jackson did for the Confederacy's defense.

San Diego Chargers [2-3] When Norv Turner took the reins for the playoff panicking Marty Schottenheimer the Bolts might have had the most talent in the league....now they are less talented, aging, and mired in mediocrity.

Norv has worked his magic again.

Jacksonville Jaguars [3-3] Barely beating the Rams doesn't get the Jags off this list, especially after their slaughter in Seattle, but maybe the move to Orlando will be magic for Del Rio, maybe it will make a happy Jack.

Del Rio looks like he needs some Disney.

Instead of Orlando maybe the Jaguars will move to Mexico City.

Mexico City Jaguars? It has an Aztec ring does it not?

Terrible Tandem of the week.

Andy Reid and Donovan McNabb.

Eagle fans understand that their super sized sideline man has never been very good on game day.

Panic always seems to make Reid pass prone.

The Fear has always been just a blitz away with Andy. The fear is always near and defensive wizard Jim Johnson is no longer around to bail his big butt out.

Andy Reid, especially in big games, is the master of the pure panic passing offense.

Which when combined with a puking panic prone QB can make even the most boring of games exciting.

Below is the average Eagles possession last week against the Raiders.

First down : Drop back and rush a pass into triple coverage.  Second down: Fire a deep ball past all defenders and receivers. Third down: The patented two hopper in the dirt to the fire receiver.

Punt: Chunky quarterback and chubby coach stand on the sidelines and look at at each other. Both looking partially confused and painfully constipated from the three pregame cheese steaks and donuts they both ate.

Or perhaps that's just their game faces.

The loss of offensive tackle Jason Peters did not help. Neither has the addition of the Andrews brothers, Shawn and Stacy, the elder Andrews is out all year with back and karma issues and the baby brother's hardest hit this season has been on his girl friend.

Which leaves King Dunlap the Fifth manning the left tackle spot. His name should be King Dunlap the Fifth Highway as he gets rolled right over every pass play.

This week in Washington Andy Reid plans to go with the pure panic passing offense and not run the ball at all. Which is okay for Donovan "One Hop Pass" McNabb as long as he can take all six of his second half timeouts into the sixth quarter.

The addition of linebacker Jeremiah Trotter, out of football for several years and slow in coverage in his prime, was a brilliant move for the Eagles man to man pass coverage.

Reid said after the game that Trotter will get better. Most 32 year old, 260 pound middle linebackers, two years out of football, improve their pass coverage skills considerably as they age.

Maybe Trotter beat Bill Bergey out in the team pass coverage try outs last week.

Why didn't Andy call Concrete Charlie first?

Concrete Chuck Bednarik, at 84 years young, could have covered the Oakland backs as well as cement footed Trotter did last week.

Jim Zorn, Danny Snyder, Vinnie Cerrato, Tom Cruise, and the Psychlos Teri and Ker ought to stack the line in DC this Monday and let the Fear build in Reid and McNabb.