2008 MLB Draft: A Real Mock Draft

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We've all seen the endless hype that seems to dominate every second of coverage on ESPN for the two months leading up to the NFL Draft, but did you know that baseball has a draft, too? It's true!

On Thursday, representatives from every major league front office will select the players who will fill out their rosters at the low-A ball, short season A-ball, and rookie-ball levels of the minors. In other words, they will be picking the superstars of tomorrow!

Well, not really tomorrow, so much as six years from now. And most of them will never amount to anything. And even most of the guys who do reach the majors will mostly be average players who aren't all that great.

But still! It's an exciting event! Which is why it is being aired on ESPN...at 2 p.m.! 2 p.m.! On a Thursday!

These are our predictions for the crucial first picks of the draft. We have developed a complex and scientific algorithm that takes into consideration many factors such as organizational depth, the thinking of each front office, and the fact that, according to baseball's by-laws, the Royals are never allowed to do anything right.

1. Tampa Bay Rays—Jesus (LHP)

Is it a coincidence that the year they drop the word "Devil" from their names, Tampa Bay suddenly gets really good? GM Andrew Friedman doesn't think so, and he's hit on a plan: go holier. This is the kind of no-brainer first pick that you rarely see in baseball's draft.

2. Pittsburgh Pirates—LeBron James (PF)

For a long time, the Cleveland Cavaliers were a laughingstock in the NBA, just like the Pirates are right now in baseball. And if the Cavs could turn things around by drafting LeBron, then why wouldn't it work for the Pirates?

It's a risky pick, but if it pays off, the Pirates will be dominant for the next decade. And if not, they can always just pull a "Pirates" and trade Jason Bay for five terrible outfielders.

3. Kansas City Royals—Chuck Knoblauch (2B)

Sure, you might say that this is illegal and insane, and makes no sense, but the Royals have recognized something: they will never be good again. So why fight it?

As an organization, they have made a conscious decision to go with the flow. They signed Brett Tomko, they signed Jose Guillen, and now they're drafting Chuck Knoblauch. Their only real disappointment is that Gil Meche didn't show up in the Mitchell Report.

4. Baltimore Orioles—Omar Little (RHP)

On the one hand, you could argue that Omar from The Wire is probably a fictional character. But, if you think about it, this pick makes some sense.

For one thing, Omar is very popular among athletes, as well as fans, and will probably revitalize the Orioles franchise, both in the clubhouse and in the stands. For another, the Orioles have had pitching problems for a long time, and everyone who saw him with his Latin boyfriend knows that Omar is definitely a pitcher.

5. San Francisco Giants—A Baby (3B)

For too long now, Giants GM Brian Sabean has heard all the jokes about how old the Giants are. And you know what? He's sick of them.

So to prove his detractors wrong, Sabean will select a random baby in the first round, and immediately install him at third for San Francisco. On the plus side for the Giants, the baby probably won't be much worse than Jose Castillo.

So there you have it: the first five picks of the draft. If they're wrong, don't blame us. Blame science. 

Science, you're a jerk.