Dr. Jaded Vs. Dean Indignant: Week 6 Picks!!

Weeks 2-5:
Dr. Jaded = 42-18
Dean Indignant = 32-28


Texans (2-3) @ Bengals (4-1)
Indignant: I had a good feeling this off-season that the Bengal’s would be very competitive. I did predict they’d be right around .500, but I definitely didn’t think they’d be this good. They are the equivalent of the average looking hipster chick that’s a tiger in the sack. Tiger, Bengal,  get it? . . Anyone?  FML.  (Bengals)

Jaded:  Throughout my extensive history of watching sports to compensate for being completely un-athletic, I have never seen a team like the teams in this match-up.  It seems like the only thing the 2009 Bengals manage to do right is win.  The Bengals are 4-1 and are averaging 18.2 PPG and their opponents are averaging 18 PPG against them. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the only thing the Texans do wrong is lose.  They’re averaging 23 PPG and their opponents are averaging 24 PPG.  I could over analyze and say that the Cincinnati defense is that much better, but that’s entirely too much work.  I could also draw up some bizarre analogy where the Bengals are a tiger in bed but only appear to be so because their partners have experiences limited to sleeping with dead fish, but that’s also too much work.  Regardless, the game is in Cinci and it’s going to be cold, so I guess I’ll take the Bengals too.


Lions (1-4) @ Packers (2-2)
Indignant: I am going to try a new strategy where I always pick any decent team coming off of a by week. It seems to be a good trend so far this year and this game will be an easy one for the plus column. Choosing this game is basically like picking off the fat chick whose best friend just went home with that tall guy over there. (Packers)

Jaded:  As usual, you make a good point and an analogy that is going to be way too difficult to beat.  That said, the Lions probably won’t have Stafford (wow, did I really just say not having a rookie QB is hurting a team, wtf is my damage??) and the more athletic receiver of the Lions’ Johnsons won’t be 100%.  So to piggy-back you, Indignant, not only did you just pick off the lonely fat chick, but she’s also wasted off her ass and she JUST came from to the bar from a wedding.  (Packers) 


Ravens (3-2) @ Vikings (5-0)
Indignant: Game of the Week, Shmame of the Schweek! Let me know when Brett finally breaks a hip or dies from that dysentery he caught while traveling the Oregon Trail. (Ravens)

Jaded:  It’s only week 6, so I hate the idea of using up all of my Favre material, so I’m going with an X-factor this week.  Adrian Peterson just did a topless photo shoot for ESPN:  The Magazine’s Body issue.  I saw the pics, and I’m terrified; I think the Ravens will be too.  (Vikings at home.)


Giants (5-0) @ Saints (4-0)
Indignant: This is the game that’s going to dominate the headlines this week. There will be a lot of talk about Eli’s foot and Brees’ mullet, The only valid thing to focus on though, is my strategy and theory that states the Saints will win because they had last week off. (Saints)

Jaded:  How can you say the Vikings/Ravens game is the event of the week when this shindig is going on in New Orleans???  I’m sort of tempted to do the trendy thing and pick the home team in this match-up, but I honestly think Eli is a better road QB than a home QB.  I’m guessing Eli takes his short bus into New Orleans and beats the Saints; but he’ll probably develop some new wart on his big toe and suck it up.  Oh well, I’m destroying you, I’ll give you some charity.  (Giants)


Browns (1-4) @ Steelers (3-2)
Indignant: These two cities, generally and falsely, are so closely related and thought of by the majority of the U.S. that it’s actually pretty ironic. Cleveland is kind of the epitome of everything that has failed within American sports, economics and society over the past 10 years, while Pittsburgh has actually kind of flourished. Basically Pittsburgh = Angelina Jolie and Cleveland = Jennifer Aniston (Fail!). (Steelers)

Jaded:  Having unwillingly lived in both cities, I can honestly say that I hate both fan bases with an equal yet unmatchable passion.  That said, Cleveland is the dirtiest city in the world in my opinion (yep, I’ve researched it) but how dare you accuse Pittsburgh of being prosperous?!?!  While the fat dude downtown that sells me my lunch out of the trunk of his ’89 Chevy might agree with you, I beg to differ.  The ONLY thing to grow in Pittsburgh in the last decade has been their Super Bowl count.  Needless to say, that just so happens to be the ONLY thing that I DON’T want to see flourish.  (Steelers)


Panthers (1-3) @ Bucs (0-5)
Indignant: Somehow Josh Johnson has actually been decent for the Bucs and yet they are still a very very awful team. I think it’s because his name is too unoriginal. It doesn’t distinguish him from the rest of the mediocre young quarterback crowd. He needs to change the spelling of his name to Juashe Ghonccinn, that’d get the Bucs some attention and some hype. (Panthers)

Jaded:  I swear to God if DeAngelo Williams doesn’t rush for 10 TDs and 500 yards this game I’m trading him off of my Fantasy team and making ‘The Place Players Go To Die’ completely homer free.  I’m serious, Indignant, offer me Alex Smith and a bag of potato chips for him and he’s yours after we lose.  (Panthers)

P.S. Noooo, I’m totally NOT going for the reverse jinx. 

Chiefs (0-5) @ Redskins (2-3)
Indignant: All these Jim Zorn being fired rumors are kind of like when you’re dating a girl and you know she’s going to break up with you. Zorn should just say screw it and “accidentally” put it in the wrong hole. You know just one last hurrah before he’s back on Facebook poking his ex. (Redskins)

Jaded:  New theory coming.  What if Jim Zorn actually sold his soul to the devil to get a head coaching job in the NFL?  Then, just before the 2009 NFL Season he discovered he was actually diagnosed with a rare and incurable foot fungus that was actually terminal. THEN, having realized his life was running out he decided he had to do nothing but good deeds to regain admission into Heaven.  THEN he realized that the nicest thing he could do was give wins to needy NFL teams that couldn’t beat anybody else???

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m on to something.  Throw in a jaded woman and we’re looking at the birth of the greatest Lifetime Original Movie of all time, but we need a plot twist.  How’s this?

Maybe this week Satan gets involved, possesses Jason Campbell, and leads the Redskins over the Chiefs in a game that dooms Jim Zorn to Hell…

…I’d watch it.  (Redskins)


Rams (0-5) @ Jaguars (2-3)
Indignant: So apparently Mike Sims-Walker couldn’t handle the pressure of being a top-5 fantasy football pickup last week and broke some rule the night before the game. It’s hard to know for sure what the exact violation was, but here are some possibilities (and their odds) that I came up with: 1. Sodomized the coaches’ daughter (3-1)   2. Sodomized the owners’ daughter (5-1). (Jaguars)

Jaded:  I like this a lot, but I think you’re wrong.  The odds on favorite is that Sims-Walker got a call from Vince McMahon and got invited to host WWE Raw.  Since his coach actually has rules, he was suspended for even taking the call.  Either that, or he sodomized Garrard…  (Jaguars)



Cardinals (2-2) @ Seahawks (2-3)
Indignant: Wait, didn’t these two teams play last week? Even as a 49ers fan I have to admit that the NFC West is about as interesting as the booger paintings on K-Feds walls. (Seahawks)

Jaded:  Hasselbeck has it figured out, and I love it.  I’m pretty convinced he’s only going to play against teams that have no secondary defense whatsoever and he’s going to look like a monster every time.  Everybody LOVED Drew Brees early in the year, but everybody seems to overlook that in 2.2 games, Matt has 7 TD passes.  He probably throws at least 3 more this week and surpasses Brees’ total through his first 4 games.  (Seahawks)



Eagles (3-1) @ Raiders (1-4)
Indignant: The Eagles are favored by two touchdowns and for some reason that seems unreasonably low. I feel like as long as Russell is still supposed to start they should be   + Infinity. I’ve never seen this, but if Vegas were willing to pull the trigger they might get my money on the Oakland side of things. (Eagles)

Jaded:  You might need infinite odds, but I only need like 2:1 to bet your life on it.  Just sayin’. (Eagles)



Titans (0-5) @ Patriots (3-2)
Indignant: It’s hard to tell which Patriots team will show up: will it be the efficient offensive and stout defensive team? Or the slow, porous defensive team, whose offense has a quarterback who looks like he’s too tired from changing diapers and impregnating super hot babes? Also which Titans team will. . . Just kidding, the really, really crappy one will show up. (Patriots)

Jaded:  Here’s a fun fact, ready?  Through five games this year Tom Brady is 3-2 with 6 TDs and 2 INTs.  You may not know this, but Tom Brady was kinda sorta hurt last year.  Speaking of last year, through 5 games, Peyton Manning was 3-2 with 8 TDs and 5 INTs.  Manning was also hurt going into the year.  Then Manning went on to win the MVP finishing with 4,000 yards 27 TDs and 12 picks.

Does this matter at all?  Probably not.  Regardless, I’m still going to use this as an excuse to continue having faith in my man-crush in Boston.  (Patriots)




Bills (1-4) @ Jets (3-2)
Indignant: I know it’s been said a lot, but the Bills were beat last week by a quarterback who completed 10% of his 17 passes for 23 yards. The wind COULDN’T have been that “gusty.” I could’ve been more proficient with my legs in a potato sack and my hands tied together by Red Vines. (Although in that position I would be subjecting my self to being ingested wholly by Rex Ryan this week.)  (Jets)

Jaded:  You bring up an interesting point that might explain why Rex Ryan was hired to be an NFL Head Coach.  Does anybody else see the benefit of having a man on the sideline that could literally block out all of the wind on the field?  Look out though; if the Jets manage to reach the Super Bowl all of the flash photography during the opening kickoff behind Rex’ back might cause some type of eclipse and end the world.  Screw the 2012 hype, Rex Ryan is eventually going to suck the entire Universe into his own orbit and take care of us all. (Jets)


Bears (3-1) @ Falcons (3-1)
Indignant: The Falcons really dominated the 49ers last week, and although I don’t think they’re 35 points better than the decent San Francisco team, the Falcons certainly showed they are again NFC contenders this year. I have to stick with my strategy of picking teams coming off of a bye though, even if it means I have to side with Gay Cutler on the road. (Bears)

Jaded:  The Falcons are going to cost a lot of people money in Vegas this year.  They haven’t put the same team on the field twice in a row yet this year.  That said, Indignant, the Panthers didn’t get beat by the Falcons as badly as the 49ers did.  Number don’t lie, sir, we’re clearly a superior team.  (Falcons)

Broncos (5-0) @ Chargers (2-2)
Indignant: I’m not sure if I’ll lose credibility here, but I actually kind of didn’t mind the Broncos throwback unis. They weren’t any worse than the Jet’s version from a couple weeks ago. Keep it in mind though, that I still regularly sport my Zubaz pants and mesh jerseys to compliment my bowl-cut. I’m a sucker for nostalgia. (me last Sunday: http://www.goodlookin.tv/news/zubaz_ful.jpg) (Chargers)

Jaded:  If the Broncos win this game I’m doing two things.  First of all, I’m figuring out a way to grow a freakin’ neck beard.  Secondly, I’m giving up my current crush (she’s a ten, just so you know) and I’m trading her for a lackluster girl with a kid and a history of being second best because that formula obviously doesn’t lie.

For the record, I hope this doesn't happen because I hate the idea of having my world view shattered by the combination of Jay Cutler and Kyle Orton.  I just can’t handle it. (Broncos)