Things You Won't See or Hear in College Football

Warning: This article may contain offensive and/or snarky words that may conjure up images unsuitable for sports fans.

Time for another look at what we won't see or hear this week.

Airplane pilot

"Good afternoon, Cal Bears. We are now beginning our descent into Los Angeles. Please return your snack trays and seat backs to their upright positions and prepare for landing."

Charlie Weis

"Next year I personally promise I will end the streak."

Notre Dame Stadium Announcer

"Tackle made by..."

Florida Gators Athletic Department

"We will have no press conferences nor announcements regarding Tim Tebow today."

Steve Spurrier

"Now do you believe me when I said my vote for Jevan Snead was a mistake?"

Lane Kiffin

"For my next trick, I will use this bye week to tell Nick Saban how awesome his team is and we don't have a chance to beat them."

Joe Paterno

"We are happy to be in the meat of our schedule with Minnesota, Northwestern, Indiana, and Michigan State slated to get an effing beatdown from us."

Ohio State Buckeyes

"Tress says we can tweet from the sidelines—he will be giving us a demo on how to use twitter after Lady Gaga's pep rally speech."

Mack Brown

"I hope Oklahoma is as big a pushover as Colorado was."

Bob Stoops

"We are right where we wanted to be at this point in the season."

Florida State recruit

"I committed to the Seminoles because of the school's leaders' camaraderie, strict academic standards, and solid tradition of football excellence."

Jim Grobe

"It's good to hear the Demon Deacons' name on every pundit's lips this year, isn't it?"

Al Groh

"I have always believed in the adage, 'It doesn't matter what people say as long as they're talking about you.'"

Duke Blue Devils

"We always knew we would someday be ahead of Florida State in football—can we act obnoxious now?"

Pete Carroll

"Winning would do wonders for my spirits."

Rick Neuheisel

"Rose Bowl or bust."

Mike Stoops

"We lucked out getting Washington and Stanford back-to-back."

Oregon Ducks

"We decided on magenta, OK?"

Jim Leavitt

"Somebody pinch me. Even I don't believe it."

Brian Kelly

"My dream job is Notre Dame."

Greg Paulus

"Piece of cake."

Boise State Athletics Department

"We still maintain that having Bowling Green, UC Davis, Utah State, New Mexico State, and Idaho on our schedule will not hurt our SOS."