Bleacher Report's Alternative Manchester United Awards for 2016/17 Season
At Manchester United's real end-of-season awards, perfectly sensible awards were handed out for Player of the Season, Reserve Player of the Season and Goal of the Season; all that sort of thing.
But Bleacher Report has decided more than that needs to be acknowledged. The ups and downs, the joys and sorrows of United's odd but eventually delightful season need their own rewards too. So without further ado, settle back and enjoy these various alternative accolades.
We promise they will not take as long to dish out as the real ones.
The Jesse Lingard Award for Goal Celebration of the Season
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Jesse Lingard is a deeply divisive figure among United fans, but if any player has shown enough commitment to the celebration cause to have the award named in his honour, it is the Warrington-born forward.
Fittingly, Lingard was involved in the winning candidate. No, not his odd Drake-inspired flute-playing jig. Nor his and Pogba's combined affair against Fenerbahce. Instead, the award goes to the celebration of Pogba's first United goal, which came in the 4-1 win against Leicester City at Old Trafford.
It was a joyous occasion, when United seemed to hit a new gear under Jose Mourinho. And after the summer-long transfer saga and all the hype, it was wonderful to see Pogba score.
The goal received a massive cheer, but after Pogba and Lingard busted some choreographed moves, a significant proportion of the crowd cheered again at the exact moment the two of them hit a perfectly timed, intertwined dab. It was beautiful and richly deserves its moment in the sun here.
The Zlatan Ibrahimovic Award for Best Missed Chance
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Zlatan Ibrahimovic had an amazing first season at United. He scored a load of goals, and some of them were important.
But we cannot ignore the fact he missed an absolute hatful too. And in the first of two awards named in his honour, which he is going to win himself because he is Zlatan, he is the clear recipient of miss of the season.
While there are plenty of candidates, the winner was his amazing clearance off the line against Watford at Old Trafford. Not the good kind of clearance off the line, though. Rather, with the goal gaping in front of him, he somehow managed to get so far under the ball that it spooned up over the bar. It was, without question, easier to score than miss.
But as we all know, Zlatan does not take the easy option. Congratulations to the Swede on yet another individual award.
The Nani 2010/11 Season Award for Most Improved Player
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Nani's United career was an odd affair. For the most part, it was fundamentally defined by inconsistency, but 2010/11 saw him explode into form. The change was so marked that the notion that former manager Sir Alex Ferguson had secretly signed his twin brother became a running gag. From four goals and six assists in the league in 2009/10, he somehow managed nine goals and 14 assists the season after.
So it is fitting this award is named in his honour—and fitting too that the player winning it once competed for the right-wing berth at United with the Portuguese.
Step forward, Antonio Valencia.
From a likely candidate for departure last summer to captain of the Europa League final-winning side, it has been a season of total transformation for Valencia under Mourinho. He has become a marauding one-man wrecking crew on the right flank, sound in defence and bold in attack.
Not too many people saw this one coming, but it has been a delight to watch.
The Sir Alex Ferguson Award for Most Baffling Starting XI That Worked Perfectly
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Ah, Fergie. The greatest football manager of all time certainly loved to spring a surprise. On March 12, 2011, for example, he lined up against Arsenal with Rafael and Fabio Da Silva on the flanks, with John O'Shea and Darron Gibson in the centre of midfield. The Red Devils won 2-0 with an impressive, comfortable display.
Fast forward to 16 April, 2017, and the following lineup was announced for Chelsea's visit to Old Trafford: David De Gea, Eric Bailly, Marcos Rojo, Matteo Darmian, Antonio Valencia, Ander Herrera, Marouane Fellaini, Pogba, Ashley Young (c), Marcus Rashford and Lingard.
It was the "Ashley Young (c)" that was the most confusing part. Added to that was the sense the formation was impossible to pick out. Also, this was pretty much the first time Mourihnho had rested Zlatan Ibrahimovic.
Just like Fergie, Mourinho knew what he was doing. In a perfectly tailored display, United negated almost all Chelsea's threat and hit them hard on the counter-attack. It was more or less the Red Devils' best performance of the season.
The Zlatan Ibrahimovic Award for Achieving Maximum Zlatanocity
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OK, time for the second Zlatan Ibrahimovic award to be handed to the Swede. He achieved Zlatanocity many times this season—the winner against Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park, his goal against Blackburn Rovers in the FA Cup and countless knowing post-match interviews spring to mind.
But the EFL Cup final was where he cranked up the Zlatanocity to its highest heights. Amazing free-kick to give his team a lead even though they had been struggling up to that point? Check. Clear the ball off the line, be heavily involved in the counter-attack, then time your run so perfectly you end up unmarked in the six-yard box and head the ball home for a dramatic late winner? Check and double check.
Then, in the post-match mixed zone, stroll between groups of journalists providing absolutely top-value quotes? Check. After all, it was here where Zlatan was asked where he keeps his medals. His reply? "I bought a house for them."
Maximum Zlatanocity achieved.
The Viva Ronaldo Award for Best Scarf Twirl
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When United fans sing the "Viva Ronaldo" chant, they do so with a lovely accompanying scarf twirl. It is fitting that there is a Portuguese connection for the winner of this season's coveted best-scarf-twirl gong.
It goes to Mourinho. United's manager look incredibly stressed out during United's weirdly lacklustre second half of the second leg of the Europa League semi-final against Celta Vigo. They were a John Guidetti open-goal miss away from missing out on Stockholm, and boy did Mourinho look like he knew it when he picked up a red-and-green scarf that had been thrown by a fan and twirled it like his life depended on it.
His face was a mask of anger, relief and hope—and the sense that the goal was oh-so-close now that he could just taste it. In the end, this is all the sweeter because that goal was achieved. This is how all scarves should be twirled and has set a new standard.
The Louis van Gaal Award for Most Christmassy Managerial Decision of the Season
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Say what you like about Louis van Gaal's tenure as United manager, but the man had an unimpeachable commitment to the Christmas spirit. From handing out gifts at Old Trafford in his first season to encouraging journalists to "enjoy the wine and the mince pies" when leaving a press conference early, he never forgot his festive duties.
Mourinho lived up to this commitment. During United's December trip to the Hawthorns to face West Bromwich Albion, the travelling faithful were in particularly good voice.
After the game, players went over to the fans and handed out their shirts. When Bleacher Report asked Mourinho about this, he replied that it had been his instruction as it was Christmas and the gesture would mean so much to the supporters.
It was a beautiful moment and well worth this prestigious award.
The Vine Memorial Award for Most Vineable Paul Pogba Moment
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Pogba has had a really good season at United, and anyone who says otherwise has simply not been paying close enough attention. Almost every time the Red Devils have played well, he has been at the heart of things. He is so much more than a "Vine player," only capable of six-second bursts of magic.
But the late, lamented social video-sharing platform was nonetheless a fine way of seeing some of his most exciting moments of brilliance. And the most Vineable of them all came against Saint-Etienne in the Europa League round of 32.
Following a throw-in, the ball bounced loose off an Etienne defender's foot. Pogba's reaction? To bounce the ball into the ground off the underside of his boot, adding back spin so it would loop over the head of another defender, who was standing behind him. As soon as he had executed the touch, he swung his body round to find himself on the goalside of said defender and in possession.
It was the perfect moment to watch again and again on a loop.
The J Stand Award for New Song That Gets Most Stuck in Your Head
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J Stand is the old name for the north-east quandrant of Old Trafford, in which sits the singing section. Many of United's chants now emerge from there, and the second half of this season has been dominated by two, both earworms of equal measure.
The first is "Something Tells Me," a tribute to Mourinho's United that has at times felt at odds with the football on display but nonetheless captures an increase in the feelgood factor. The other, to the tune of "The Entertainer," is: "Follow, follow, follow, 'cos Man United are going to Stockholm."
There cannot be many United fans who have not had one or both of these stuck in their heads since about February.
In the end, though, there can be only one winner, and for an earlier start and slightly greater ubiquity, "Something Tells Me" takes it
And what better way to end these awards than with a singalong...so, altogether now: "Woke up this morning feeling fine. Got Man United on my mind. Jose's playing the way that United should. Oh, yeah! Something tells me I'm into something good!"
Quotations obtained firsthand unless otherwise stated.
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