What If Baseball Players Were Assigned by Names?

What’s in a name? What the heck does it have to do with baseball? And why I am writing this story?

According to a genealogical website, in about the 12th Century in Europe, it was decided that there was a need to distinguish people from one another.

For example, in one town there could be many men named William. To distinguish, people began referring to different Williams as William the son of Andrew (leading to Anderson), William the cook (leading to Cook) and William from the river (Rivers). Comprende vouz? (Sorry, I took French in high school and college).

What does it have to do with baseball? There are many interesting names in baseball, such as Coc

o Crisp, shown above. Some names have character, like Jonathan Papelbon.

Why I am writing this? It is my 100th story for Bleacher Report, and I thought a whimsical one should do.

You can stop reading here, but you would tickle my fancy to read on, so be my guest.

Also in this day and age players don’t even play on the same team for their whole career. Wade Boggs was never one of my Philadelphia Phillies but reliever Doug Jones (1994) was.

Boggs played for the Red Sox most of his career and finished off with the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who are now known as the Tampa Bay Rays.

It is my contention, first off, that players with names of character and unusual names often end up playing in Boston: Daniel Bard, Jonathan Papelbon, Jason Varitek, Kevin Youkilis and Jacoby Ellsbury, all are on the current roster. Former Red Sox include Carl Yastrzemski, Denny Doyle, Wade Boggs and Carlton Fisk.

In Washington, D.C., home of the Nationals, they could have political names or French names, considering they used to be the Montreal Expos.

Players like Paul Byrd and Marlin Byrd could play for the Toronto Blue Jays or Baltimore Orioles.

In Miami, home of the Marlins, players with fish names could play there. The same thing could be said for the Rays.

However, all fish and Bay names go to Tampa Bay, in my world. To honor the large Hispanic population in Miami, some of the great and not so great Hispanic players go to the Marlins. My story, my rules.

I tried to look at all the teams, but the search got tiring for this venue (and salary). So here goes, surname team by surname team (obviously, some teams get loaded up, like Boston, but hey, the Nationals get better immediately):

Boston Red Sox: Chipper Jones, Nate McLouth, Paul Konerko, Mark Kotsay, Brent Lillibridge, Gordon Beckham, Tyler Clippard, Garrett Mock, Ryan Zimmerman, Elijah Dukes, Colby Rasmus, Humberto Quintero, Edwin Maysonet, Mark Rzepcynski, Edwin Encarnacion, Dustin Nippert, Maicer Izturis, Vladimir Guerrero, Kevin Kouzmanoff, Will Venable, Ken Takahashi, Damaso Martle, Justin Masterson, Shin-Soo Choo, Michael Cuddyer, Kyle Farnsworth, Geovany Soto, Ryan Theriot, and Cesar Izturis.

Washington Nationals (formerly the Montreal Expos): Matt LaPorta, Jason LaRue, Matt Holliday, Brandon Lyon, Curtis Granderson, Adam LaRoche, Andy LaRoche, Wade LaBlanc, and Michah Hoffpauir.

Detroit Tigers (by virtue of its proximity to Kellog, Michigan): Coco Crisp.

Philadelphia Phillies (a working man’s town): Sal Fasano and Johnny Damon.

Sharing time at the Baltimore Orioles and Toronto Blue Jays: Marlin Byrd and Paul Byrd.

Florida Marlins: Francisco Liriano, Jose Contreras, Ramon Santiago, and Yorvit Torrealba.

Los Angeles Angels in the outfield: Angel Guzman and Angel Pagan.

By virtue of their names: Lance Broadway (Mets and Yankees); Huston Street (Astros); Mark Redman (Reds); Hunter Pence (Texas Rangers); Dusty Ryan (Texas Rangers); Dexter Fowler (San Diego Padres, home of the San Diego Chicken); Robert Ray, Chris Ray, and Lyle Overbay (Tampa Bay Rays).

Any other submissions, past or present? Great names appreciated.

Also, I hope to be kept around for my 101st story. Thanks.