The NFL's Worst Teams Week Four: The Sad Sack Seven

San Francisco Forty Niner head coach Mike Singletary always could skin a Ram whether it was of the Los Angeles or of the St Louis breed.

His best tackle as a Chicago Bear was in the 1985 NFC Championship Game when he violently stuffed Hall of Fame LA Ram running back Eric Dickerson on a key fourth and one.

He not only stuffed Dickerson the Bears hit him so hard it looked like they ripped his heart right out and ate it.

Then, late in the game with George Halas sending snow, Wilbur Marshall picked that heart up and ran it for seven with The Fridge in front.3

The game has changed so much since then.

Once defenders could devour offensive players pumping hearts now ye can not brush near Tom Brady's precious knee.

The LA Rams played that entire championship  game twenty five years ago frightened of the Bears and now their eastern descendants, the sad St Louis Rams, played last Sundays game against Singletary's San Francisco Forty Niners in a state of similar shock.

These were not Rams anymore, no they were a sad frightened bunch of uneasy ewes being chased by an angry team of ravenous ogres in pads and helmets.

The league does have a double standard.

Rams and Seahawks and such can be sacrificed to the violent orgies of defensive ogres but the perfumed princes of the pocket, Prince's Brady, Manning, Favre, and their high priced ilk, must be protected at all costs.

What of Marc Bulger or Seneca Wallace and their ilk?

Call them casualties of war or blood for the beasts either way the league is slanted to protect those whom they deem precious and, of course, marketable.

The rest? Ashes before they are dust.

1] The State of Missouri [0-8]

The misery in Missouri wasn't this bad when the Red legs and Bloody Bill Anderson and his bad boys were burning the land.

Well maybe the misery was worse, but still pro football is miserable in Missouri.

The maybe soon to be Rush Limbaugh Rams have been out scored 24-108.

The Hunt family owned the Kansas City Chiefs and coach  constant War Cry Haley are almost as bad having been been outscored 64-112.

Who wants to go to these slaughters as the seasons turn cold?

And if Harry Truman was alive would he ban pro football in Missouri if it was run by Limbaugh and the Hunts?

2] Cleveland Browns [0-4]

Coach Eric Mangini lives his life just like the Johnny Rivers song.

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

   Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

This week against the almost as bad Buffalo Bills Mangini, in order to keep the identity of his quarterback top secret, will have Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn don matching Richard Nixon masks and friar tuck capes to hide their identities as they climb behind center.

Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say
Or you'll give yourself away
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

3] Tampa Bay Buccaneers [0-4]

Rumor is that the Bucs payroll has been savagely slashed by the Glazer family to fund some strange soccer team in a foreign land.

Soccer? A communist sport eclipsing football?

What would General Jack D Ripper say?

If Senator Joe McCarthy were alive they would be in jail for that.

4] Oakland Raiders [1-3]

Chaos : A condition or place of great disorder or confusion.

Not only does that describe the state of the Silver and Black organization but it also apparently accurately describes quarterback JaMarcus Russell's mind as tries in vain to read defensive coverages.

When are  raider fans going to stand up and scream like Howard Beale in Network: 'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!'

5] Tennessee Titans [0-4]

Is the seat suddenly heating up in Tennessee for Jeff Fisher?

It will be tough for the Tennessee Titans to tango out of this hole and if they do not it might be team rebuilding time.

Will Fisher stay for that or look to LA, his home town, to start a team from the ground?

You put your right foot forward and your left foot back
Start a little wiggle in your sacroiliac
And that's a Tennessee two step they do it on a hardwood floor

6] Carolina Panthers [0-3]

Tired of being asked by the press if a change is gonna come at quarterback John Fox and Jake Delhomme have decided to just serenade fans with vintage Sonny and Cher each week.

John: I got you to hold my hand
Jake: I got you to understand
John: I got you to walk with me
Jake: I got you to talk with me
John: I got you to play tonight
Jake: I got you to hold me tight
John: I got you, I wont let go

7] Buffalo Bills [1-3]

Dick Jauron just needs a few more years to get all the pieces in place.

Alas in a few more years owner Ralph Wilson will be triple digits; which means the future is now.

Where's George Allen and his Over the Hill Gang at when Wilson really needs them?

A seven and seven week.

Seven Teams almost as bad

Seattle Seahawks [1-3]- Little talent, less prospects, and no excitement.

Miami Dolphins [1-3]-They brought in the Tuna and the over the hill gang of singers and get this and nine buck Landshark beers?

Detroit Lions [1-3]  -The Streak begins again.

Dallas Cowboys [2-2] Tony Romo isn't the next Roger Staubach nor Troy Aikman he might not even be the next Gary Hogeboom. During the Holiday season expect fans to sing Bye Bye Son of Bum, Bye Bye...

Washington Redskins [2-2]- Dan Snyder's brilliant idea to have Tom Cruise march through the locker room in his Nazi get up from Valkyrie paid immediate dividends, though several players were frightened by the jackboots in the shower.

Houston Texans [2-2]- So the Texans beat the horrid Raiders and Titans. Gary Kubiak will be his holding his standard five and eight come playoff fate time.

San Diego Chargers [2-2] After watching the Steelers sink them even the Chargers General Manager, AJ Smith, knows that Norv Turner ain't going nowhere.

Clouds so swift, the rainfallin' in

Gonna see a movie called Gunga Din

Pack up your money, pull up your tent, McGinn

You ain't a going nowhere

And neither are the Norv Chargers.

Weird Quote of the week.

"And then kind of hopefully a cold, kind of a serial-killer mentality when the game starts."

Minnesota Viking Coach Brad Childress on how he wants Brett Favre to play

Brad Childress, who has a bit of the BTK killer look going on of late, wants his quarterback to play like a serial killer?

What kind of killer?

Are we talking Ted Bundy, Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson, or going fictional and hoping a frenzied Favre is lowered onto the Metro Dome turf like Hannibal Lector chained and in a purple cage?

Does Childress think of these things late at night?

Terrible Trend of the Week

The pampering of the quarterbacks, combined with the empowerment of the zebras to make constant judgement calls just might ruin the game

Terrible Threat of the Week

The New York Yankees and Dallas Cowboys have formed a corporation designed to market their personal seat license plans to NCAA schools so they too can extort their fans for money and make them buy seats twice.

Don't the Jones and the Steinbrenenrs have enough dough? And is there a more sinister combination in sports then the Yankees and Cowboys?

Is there anything more vile in sports then PSL's?

Must the fans get screwed to see college sports so the Cowboys and Yankees can bank more bucks?

Old School Comparison of the Week

It seems quarterback play, even with the plethora of protection rules placed on the princes, is poor.

Poor quarterback play dooms teams.

It seems for most quarterbacks that the Munchkin Mind Light, that time in a career when defenses are seen in full Wizard of Oz living color and not simple Kansas black and white is left behind in the mind, never goes on.

More and more quarterbacks can not grasp the position or, as in the in the rumored cause of Romo's flop in Denver, even keep track of the downs at key times.

1989 NFC East QB's vs 2009 NFC QB's

Dallas Cowboys: Tony Romo vs Troy Aikman

Hall of Famer Aikman was better early in his career then Romo is at the peak of his.

Edge: Aikman

New York Giants Eli Manning vs Phil Simms

Both have rings but who would Giant fans pick? Simms started strong in '89 but ended up injured and then Jeff Hostetler won the Super Bowl for the Gmen.

Simms seemed less prone to turnovers at the peak of his career then Manning is.

Edge: Simms

Philadelphia Eagles: Randall Cunningham vs Donovan McNabb

Two similar quarterbacks except that McNabb has won more bigger games.Cunningham, with a great defense, always flopped at playoff time. McNabb, at least once, waited to flop in the Super Bowl.

Edge: McNabb

Washington Redskins:

Jason Campbell vs Mark Rypien

Campbell has done little. Rypien, a tough player, has a ring and a Super Bowl MVP award.

 Edge: Rypien

Edge '89. And Cunningham McNabb is neck and neck.

Final thought of the week.

What would George Halas do to a player twittering about him?

Quote of the week

Most football teams are temperamental. That's 90% temper and 10% mental.    
-Doug Plank