The Cleveland Browns: Is Stinking the Solution?

My dad tells a story about how during the Kardiac Kids days, he once had to pay a TV repairman triple to come out and fix his TV set on a Sunday before a playoff game.  Even though we lost, it was worth every penny for him to watch our beloved Brownies from the comfort of his own home.

I don’t have any stories like that.  I mean, I was at the last game at Municipal Stadium with strep throat, a nasty cough, and a 101 degree fever, and I survived the Buffalo game in the snow two years ago, which at the time, I thought was going to clinch our playoff spot.  But I don’t have any stories about the lengths I would go to simply to watch my team from the comfort of my own home.  Until yesterday, that is.

I am a transplanted fan living in Cincinnati.  I went to school here, and since graduation, I just kind of stayed.  I have friends and relationships here, but at the same time, growing up, I wore a sweatshirt that read “The only sign of life in Cincinnati: Cleveland 243 miles.” 

Anymore, it’s rare that I get to watch our Brownies from the satisfied peacefulness of my own couch.  On the infrequent occasion someone in the NFL Office doesn’t schedule both Ohio teams at the same time, the CBS affiliate here will usually show the dreaded Steelers or the pretty-boy Colts.  I end up sitting on a stool Fred Flintstone would find uncomfortable at a local B-Dubs trying to ignore the Bungles’ fans that don’t appreciate the joys of watching a game at home.  Listening to Bungles’ fans cheering wildly for EVERY play that gains over 2 yards, even on Third and 4, is paramount to water-boarding.

Yesterday, however, was a different story.  The Bungles played the Steelers at 4:15, and Peyton’s pretty boys had the Sunday night game, which meant our Brownies in all their glory were available on WKRC in Cincinnati (yes, that really is the CBS affiliate here).  Of course, I recently cancelled my cable in a cost-cutting effort.  While I have productively enjoyed my withdrawal from electronic entertainment, yesterday, all I wanted to do was watch my team on my couch. 

I went out in the morning and bought a digital converter box, paying full price for it seeing as for the past two years when the government was offering coupons for them, I never comprehended a situation where I would not have cable.  Did you know you still have to hook those things into bunny ears?  Fortunately, I had a pair my ex-girlfriend lent me last fall to watch our Browns when the hailstorms knocked out the cable, so I was set to go.

Unfortunately, I had a prior obligation at 2, so I had to tape the game, no small task considering no one sells blank tapes anymore.  You would think I was trying to buy lead paint that had been mixed by a Dodo bird drinking Crystal Pepsi.  Additionally, to make the game worth watching, as every sports fan and Seinfeld fanatic knows, it is essential to avoid every mention of the game, a task which I complicated by wearing my Bernie Kosar jersey around.  I had to plug my ears and chant “We Will Rock You” while at the gas station to avoid having a Cincinnatian spoil the ending just because.   Nevertheless, I persevered and made it home without the integrity of the game being compromised.

I hit play on my VCR, and the first thought that went through my mind was, “I hate when they wear those brown pants.”  This wasn’t the first time I thought this.  I remember the thought going through my head last week before the Denver debacle, and I vaguely remember thinking the same thing at different times last year.  I hate those brown pants, just like I hate the orange jerseys and the stupid games where they wear their Jim Brown era throw-backs with the numbers on their overly shinned helmets. 

The more I watched the game, the more I hated every design choice that has been made by the organization since the Browns came back, from the Chris Palmer hat with the orange B on the front to the corporatized Dawg Pound.  As the Browns were getting polished, I couldn’t help but wonder, is it because they are too polished?  Is there a correlation between those shiny brown pants and their inability to score a rushing touchdown or Braylon’s hands or Brady’s unwillingness to throw the ball downfield or DA’s interception to wobbling duck ratio or the defense being run through like White Castle and thrown around like rag-dolls?

I know, I’m reaching, but at this point, I don’t know what else to do as a Browns' fan.  I certainly can’t sit through games believing they are just a big play or two away without being completely irrational.  I simply will not question the heart of our beloved team, nor will I question the determination of our new coach.  I don’t know how they could not know how much it means to us. 

I don’t know how to run a professional football team.   Even if I did, based on their play, I wouldn’t know how to argue for Quinn or Anderson, and I haven’t seen enough of Ratliff to be able to argue he should unseat them both (although, at this point, it may be the most sound argument).  I don’t know why the offense always seems cluttered at the line of scrimmage as opposed to other teams.  I don’t know why the defense won’t wrap up or how to fix it.  I do, however, have an idea of how to unite the team...

They should stop showering for a week. 

Think about it.  They already stink; this would just be a different kind of stink.  Yeah, yeah, that was a cheap shot, but really, this idea could work.  Every player would be united in the same situation, and maybe they would stop worrying about whether they look good striking out and just focus on getting to first base.  Maybe, just maybe, it would instill a toughness in them that has been missing since Clay Matthews. 

Who knows, maybe if they reeked something awful, opposing teams wouldn’t rush the passer as hard or our receivers might be able to get an extra foot of separation at the line or maybe, just maybe, backs on opposing teams would hesitate for a split second before hitting the hole.  I promise; I’m not crazy (although the people at my neighborhood Shell station might be inclined to disagree).  I just want evidence that our Brownies are working as hard and creatively at winning games as I am to watch them.

Yes, I am one frustrated fan.  One of many.  And I just don't know what else can be done about it.