A (Not So) Serious Look at How Tottenham vs. Arsenal Will Play Out
Tottenham are hosting their neighbours, Arsenal, in the 183rd North London derby on Saturday—and the stakes have never been higher.
Never have the fierce rivals had such real opportunities for the Premier League title at this stage of the league, and never has a single game had such huge consequences for both team's respective chances of hardware.
Crucially, there has never been a bigger stage for Spurs to be Spursy and Arsenal to be #PeakArsenal.
So who will win Saturday's big Premier League game? Or, more specifically, who will conspire against themselves to lose it? Here's a tongue-in-cheek look at how the action might play out...
Before Kick-Off
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Arsenal arrive at White Hart Lane with mixed emotions. On the one hand, they lack self-belief because, well, Alexis Sanchez has told them that they lack self-belief in an interview with DirecTV Sports (h/t the Telegraph's Jeremy Wilson). But on the other hand, they are excited to be playing in a North London stadium that will not be completely filled with home fans moaning at them for 90 minutes.
The team do some last-minute carb loading with a delicious Spaghetti Bolognese anonymously provided by a kind elderly Italian gentleman from the Leicestershire area.
It's not as if Italian foods have ever proved to be a source of controversy for the Gunners. What could go wrong?
Fourth Minute
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It's a raucous atmosphere inside White Hart Lane, as the home fans loudly pray that this isn't the day Mauricio Pochettino's side choose to start losing their mojo, while the away end is filled with the deafening sound of all the "Wenger Out" cardboard signs clanging against each other.
Arsenal start with Theo Walcott and Olivier Giroud up front, with Arsene Wenger reasoning that this is a good combination to challenge the defence that has conceded the least goals in the Premier League.
Nacer Chadli enjoys the first real chance with a long-range shot that is tipped over the bar by stand-in goalkeeper David Ospina, who is keen to show everyone why he deserved that place on last year's Ballon d'Or shortlist ahead of Gigi Buffon.
11th Minute
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The opening movements of the game are nervous, with both sides trying their best not to lose rather than going for the win.
Hugo Lloris hoofs the ball downfield, where Christian Eriksen heads it straight into the path of Erik Lamela. He charges toward goal and shoots low past Ospina! The ball is in the back of the net before Per Mertesacker has realised the game has kicked off!
The visitors' collective heads go down, except for Aaron Ramsey, who seems happy that he can't be blamed for that one.
Wenger looks furious to have conceded from such simple route-one play, while Pochettino looks a little miffed to have scored from such simple route-one play.
Wenger reacts with his standard tactical strategy when going a goal down: changing absolutely nothing. It's his standard tactical strategy for any circumstance, actually.
17th Minute
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Arsenal ramp up the intensity in a bid to equalise and see a brace of good chances fall to Joel Campbell, including one that hits the woodwork from around eight yards.
Giroud runs over to berate the Costa Rican but then thinks better of it.
21st Minute
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Penalty to Arsenal!
Walcott breaks away during a Tottenham attack and is felled inside the area just before he has the chance to blast the shot wide. The last man, Toby Alderweireld, is sent off for the challenge.
Spurs fans prepare for the worst as Walcott steps up to take the spot-kick...and it goes straight into Lloris' arms!
The Lilywhites faithful go wild, while Twitter almost shuts down from the weight of the Arsenal-related abuse.
39th Minute
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Tottenham's lack of depth outside their best XI starts to show, as they trundle on without either of their first choice centre-backs on the field.
Pochettino is forced to bring on Kieran Trippier to join Kevin Wimmer in the middle, but thanks to the Argentinean manager's policy of running his full-backs ragged and alternating them every matchday, the former Burnley man is still exhausted from his adventures at Upton Park.
Fortunately for the home side, Walcott's poor form continues, and Giroud is distracted when Ryan Mason accidentally moves several strands of his hair out of place.
Half-Time
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Tottenham take a 1-0 lead into half-time, but possession has remained relatively even. It's not been a classic encounter, though, leaving many fans to worry that this North London derby will not finish in a 2-1 scoreline like it does 95 percent of the time.
Keen to counter his side's perceived psychological weakness, Wenger hands the half-time team talk over to Derren Brown while he goes off to work on his post-match excuses.
Brown works hard and manages to hypnotise the players into believing they are already in fourth place, thus putting them in their happy place.
In the Tottenham dressing room, meanwhile, Pochettino takes inspiration from a legend of the game by only uttering three words:
"Lads, it's Arsenal."
51st Minute
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Arsenal come out swinging and dominate possession in the opening movements. Walcott and Campbell complain of stomach illnesses and are replaced by Alexis Sanchez and Danny Welbeck, who coincidentally did not have any pre-match spaghetti.
Welbeck nearly scores with his first touch of the game, a header from a corner that hits the inside of the post before Lloris collects it.
Despite the positive play—and the fact that the Arsenal manager has delivered Champions League football and unrivalled consistency throughout his reign—the Arsenal fans in the stadium continue to vent their frustrations.
59th Minute
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Arsenal finally make the breakthrough!
A dreadful and unnecessary back pass from Eric Dier is pounced upon by Welbeck, who slots low past Lloris for the equaliser.
Jack Wilshere, sitting (not standing) with the Gunners fans, gleefully leads a chant of "What do we think about Tottenham?" before niping to the toilets for a cigarette.
66th Minute
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It's one-way traffic for Arsenal, which are taking advantage of their extra man and successfully shutting down the Spurs full-backs.
Out of nothing, Mesut Ozil picks up the ball in the centre circle and charges toward goal. The German beats two men and unleashes a stunning 25-yarder that hits the back of the net. It's an incredible goal that puts Arsenal in the lead for the first time! 2-1!
Spursiness appears to have taken its grip. Sitting in the stands, Daniel Levy sends a text to cancel the open top bus he had booked for mid-May.
88th Minute
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Spurs huff and puff, but they cannot break through to get the equaliser. Childhood Arsenal fan Harry Kane isn't having a good day for some reason.
If Arsenal can hold on to the lead for a few more minutes, they will be even in points with the Lilywhites and right back in the title race!
There hasn't been this much tension at White Hart Lane since Mido tried on a medium-sized shirt.
91st Minute
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Spurs win a free-kick on the edge of the area! Wenger is furious, as it appears that Kane made a meal out of a Nacho Monreal challenge.
Eriksen and Lamela line up to take it...and Eriksen scores the equaliser!
It's a potentially huge goal in the Premier League title race! For Leicester! It's a huge goal in the Premier League title race for Leicester!
Full-Time
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Wenger is still arguing with the fourth official as the final whistle blows. Le Professeur is outraged by the manner in which his side has dropped two points, but it's a result that fans of both sides probably would have taken if offered it before kick-off.
With nine games remaining, both North London sides remain firmly in the race for the title. It is now up to both teams to keep the momentum going...before finding a way to blow it all at the 11th hour.
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