NFL Week Three Hal-Oscopes: Trust Me, It Might Happen

Week Two provided many wonderful and horrific football events to ponder and puzzle over.

For instance: when will the Texans' Steve Slaton wake up and realize the regular season has started?

Are the Browns really not going to score an offensive touchdown all year?

Are L.T. and Brian Westbrook both finished?

And well, well, lookie here. Turns out Eli Manning does have some people to throw to.

Week Three will begin to provide some more answers to all of our nagging questions, but for those who can’t wait for the actual games this Sunday and Monday, I give you the Hal-Oscopes.

For those new readers, the Hal-Oscopes are a horoscope of sorts (not really, but play along), for a select group of NFL players and personalities. They are a mystic, cosmic, (and let’s hope) comedic foretelling of the future by the stars.

Brady Quinn (Sunday @ Baltimore)

Quinn is an air sign, which could mean that he’s going to air it out against the not-as-good-as they should be Raven defense. But due to a pathetic running game, average o-line and the decision making speed of a Galapagos Island Turtle, it really means he will spend the majority of his day on his back, staring into the air, sky, and heavens. God Bless, Brady.

Terrell Owens (Sunday vs. New Orleans)

Owens scored one TD last week and could’ve easily scored another one as the Bills beat the punch-less Buccaneers. Owens’ ruling planet is Mercury. And Mercury tells us (not is so many words, mind you) that when Owens lines up this Sunday he will be consumed with anger and jealously from watching the Saints aerial assault. Luckily, this is how TO normally plays and lives. So naturally, the Bills upset the undefeated Saints.

Jim Zorn (Sunday @ Detroit)

As a former quarterback Zorn, is either a) confused, b) sickened, or c) confused and sickened when he watches his team play offense. Whatever the answer is, it’s his fault, so he better fix it. The problem is Apollo’s Moon is on the rise and that means trouble on the celestial horizon for Zorn. Unreal expectations and very real communication problems will plague Zorn along with the earthly, plain fact that the Lions are due! That’s right, expecting a win will not make you win. The Lions will win and Zorn’s head coaching job may not make it out of the locker.

Brian Westbrook (Sunday vs. Kansas City)

It appears Westbrook has angered some sort of foot-ankle god, (not sure which one that is, have to look it up) and he will be doubtful for this Sunday -- this after off-season surgery and not participating in training camp at all. Before the sands run out on Westbrook’s career, he needs to make peace with this foot-ankle god immediately and beg for mercy. This week, the ankle god will laugh at Westbrook and give him a DNP for his trouble.

Kerry Collins (Sunday @ New York Jets)

Collins has had regenerative spirits smile on him for a quite a while now, after being left for dead many times in the past. That karma and the approaching September equinox will shine more good consequence on Collins, as desperation (and a screaming Jeff Fisher) push he and his Titans over the top against the surprising Jets, who wrongly do not observe September equinoxes. Big mistake.


The Green Bay Defense (Sunday @ St.Louis)

After a tough week of preparation following an embarrassing home loss to the Bengals, the Packer defense will experience a light, cheery day on Sunday. Grey skies will lighten, the sun will shine on them (metaphorically, in the Rams stupid dome) and they will smile, laugh, and humiliate the Rams in front of their families and fans. Ah, football.


Kurt Warner (Sunday vs. Indianapolis)

The deeply religious Warner had god-like accuracy in the Cards win over the Jags last week. His faith will be rewarded again this week, as he very generously spreads the ball around against the bend-and-bend-some-more defense of the Colts. It’s not exactly The Devil vs. God, but Warner vs. Manning should good viewing for all us sinners.


Matt Forte (Sunday @ Seattle)

Forte’s fortunes have had a swift downturn this year with the arrival of big-mouth, big-arm Jay Cutler. Bears Offensive Coordinator Ron Turner may be too far-gone on the Cutler Kool-Aid, but the new lunar cycle and Seattle’s defensive personnel strongly suggest otherwise. Strongly enough that even someone as dumb (or drugged) as Turner can see that Forte should be allowed to punish the Seattle defense for one really good reason: he can.


Mike Singletary (Sunday @ Minnesota)

Singletary is off to a good cosmic start in San Fran and his enthusiastic approach is beginning to catch on. But his smash-mouth style is about to be introduced to Mr. Smash Mouth, Adrian Peterson. Their Sunday meeting promises to be very rocky. But Peterson figures to make the niner defense love him or die trying. A very risky relationship approach.

Carson Palmer (Sunday vs. Pittsburgh)

Palmer’s pride seems to have the gotten the better of him last week by playing well and in turn, slowing his getaway out of Cincy. But fear not Carson, you can easily go back to tanking games for the Bengals this week. The Steelers will arrive in town with an aggressive lunar entry into Jupiter and a super aggressive front seven on defense coming off a close loss to the Bears. Payback will be gotten my dear Carson, cosmic and otherwise.

That’s all I can see for this week. Enjoy your Sunday and Monday football everyone. Be ready for next week before it comes and look for the NFL Hal-Oscopes next Friday.