The Sad Sack Seven: The NFL's Worst: Week Two

Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.
William Cullen Bryant

Bill Bryant never made a Jacksonville Jaguar game or else fall might be called the years final frown.

Then again it seems most folks living in Jaguar land would rather go to a Yankee poetry reading, or for that matter have the Nazi dentist from Marathon Man rip out their healthy teeth, then go to a Jaguar's game.

Can't say I blame them.

"Is is safe?" Doctor Christian Szell in Marathon Man.

No, its not safe in many places.

Like in Dallas Cowboy land where the Wade and Romo opening of Jerry World reminded one of a quote from Hunter Thompson describing the atmosphere at the Las Vegas casino Circus Circus.

 "Bazooko's Circus is what the whole hep world would be doing Saturday nights if the Nazis had won the war. This was the Sixth Reich."

It's not safe in Missouri for football either where the Chiefs and Rams continue to put Missouri in misery.

Nor it seems is it safe in Florida where the sunshine states squads have been swept to start the season.

Then there is Cleveland.

And, as Keith Olbermann, said it seems Coach Beaver has seized the reins, and snapped the whip, in Cleveland. Soon fans will be shouting.

"Ward, I'm very worried about the Beaver."

1] Football in Missouri [0-4]

The Rams have been outscored 37-6 so it seems all the pieces of offensive guru Dick Curl, late of Kansas City, are falling into place.

Still even scoring only 3 1/2 points a game they almost out scored, and out coached, Danny Snyder's DC Deadskins.

In Kansas City, once home to offensive guru Dick Curl, head coach Todd Haley does not agree that silence is sometimes the best scream.

No the lad is a screamer. Sometimes ones screams too much as Coach Jack Handy once observed about trees.

"If trees could scream would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

Careful with the screaming Haley or Handy will be proved correct.

2] Cleveland Browns [0-2]

If the magic man Eric Mangini continues to play petty tyrant the players will revolt. The Magic man will find himself, like Captain Bligh, set adrift on the lake. Except Captain Bligh was a capable Captain and Fletcher Christian was a much better player then Brady Quinn.

Listen to the grumbling Browns players.

"We were rotten 'fore we started--we was never disciplined: We made it out a favour if an order was obeyed. Yes, everylittle drummer 'ad 'is rights an' wrongs to mind So we had to pay for teachin'--an' we did'-

Listen to the Browns fans

"Ward, I'm very worried about the Beaver."

3] Jacksonville Jaguars [0-2]

The blackout might be an act to mercy.

Who wants to watch this train wreck on television let alone drop  seven hundred bucks to have the kids sit through the horror live.

Really just stay home and pay someone to pull out your toenails with a rusty pliers. it feels the same as watching Jack Del Rio and David Gerrad play football.

Has there been a more boring team then the Jags this millennium?

4] Washington Redskins [0-2]

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.

And when Sonny Jurgensen staggers in your locker room and does everything but slap you in the face and challenge you to a duel at Duke the pressure is on, baby.

So if Detroit snaps its twenty game losing streak against you its a full flaming space ship ride into the sun with Sonny laughing all the way.

5] Dallas Cowboys [1-1]

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

And nature knows the flaw in the Cowboys is a quarterback that folds like a over leveraged bank under pressure.

Nature also knows the road to Tony Romo rolls right over over the hill left tackle Flozell Adams. 

Cowboys owner still puts on a happy, plastic, face and babbles about how beautiful the Cowboys are and how much money is in his stadium, and pocket.

As David Hackworth once said figures don't lie but liars figure.   

6} Football in Florida [0-6]

The Florida Gators might not be able to beat the combined squads of the three Florida professional squads.

The Gator quarterback is certainly better then the boys the pros trot out.

Chad Pennington has a deep ball like that flutters, flails, and flops like a dying duck. Byron Leftwich moves like he is playing underwater.

David Gerrad and Jack Del Rio might develop just given them another decade, or so, to perfect that exciting offense. 

The Jaguars are likely not long for the land of Ponce De Leon. All they need is a Russian billionaire or two and they are the LA Jags.

Del Rio went to USC  so he is ready for the Sunset Strip.

7} Carolina Panthers [0-2]

Has the Jack and Jake show had its run? Have Jack and Jake had their fun in the Carolina sun?

Does Jack have a plan B if Cajun Jake's juju has gone permanent bad?

Or do Jack and Jake just stand and sing and wait for the turnover toll to ring, ring, ring?

Sing it Jack and Jake.

In my mind I'm going to Carolina. Can't you see the sunshine, can't you just feel the moonshine?
Ain't it just like a friend of mine to hit me from behind? Yes, I'm going to Carolina in my mind.