Bleacher Report's 2016 Football Oscar Nominations
There's no escaping it: Awards season is in full flow.
On Thursday, not long after the dust settled on the Ballon d'Or Awards gala, the nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards were issued.
In tribute to Hollywood's big night, Bleacher Report has fashioned its own football Oscars. On the pages that follow, you will find nominations in each Oscar-themed category, as well as a likely winner. (We're hoping to get James Nesbitt to host the actual awards when they come around—hopefully he hasn't yet returned his rented dinner jacket and rented hairpiece.)
Take a look through our tongue-in-cheek awards and be sure to leave a comment!
Best Actor
1 of 10Nominees: Adnan Januzaj (Manchester United), Sergio Busquets (Barcelona), Oleksandr Noyok (Karpaty Lviv), Diego Costa (Chelsea), Andreas Johansson (Norkopping)
Favourite: Andreas Johansson
Many would expect Diego Costa to scoop the Best Actor award after his masterful manipulation of the rules against Arsenal in September, while Oleksandr Novok showed some De Niro-esque method acting for his impressive solo performance last March.
However, we're backing outsider Andreas Johansson of Norkopping to come out of nowhere to scoop the award for his performance against AIK in the Swedish Allsvenskan back in August.
Adnan Januzaj—the man who has bagged more yellow cards for simulation than goals at Manchester United—is football's Leonardo DiCaprio: always on the edge of achieving that Best Actor gong but never quite getting it. But might he finally get it this season? He might need to put a bit more effort into his role...and fight a few more bears in the woods.
Best Performance in a Supporting Role
2 of 10
Nominees: Mesut Ozil (Arsenal), Riyad Mahrez (Leicester), Henrikh Mkhitaryan (Borussia Dortmund), Neymar (Barcelona), Lorenzo Insigne (Napoli)
Favourite: Mesut Ozil
Henrikh Mkhitaryan has been providing plenty of assists at Borussia Dortmund, Lorenzo Insigne is playing a big part in Napoli's title push, Riyad Mahrez is at the heart of the Leicester fiesta and Neymar is joint leader in assists in La Liga (along with, er, Roberto Soldado, says ESPN FC).
However, the clear frontrunner for this one is ol' Avatar Eyes himself, Mesut Ozil. With a stupendous 16 assists in 20 games (as per ESPN FC), Ozil is quite clearly Europe's leader in setting up goals. His leading man Olivier Giroud has a lot to be thankful for.
Best Director (of Football)
3 of 10
Nominees: Txiki Begiristain (Manchester City), Matthias Sammer (Bayern Munich), Jon Rudkin (Leicester), Michael Emenalo (Chelsea), Les Reed (Southampton)
Favourite: Matthias Sammer
Jon Rudkin continues to broker excellent deals for Leicester, and Michael Emenalo caught the B/R Academy's attention when he took command during the (most recent) sacking of Jose Mourinho.
However, for the director of football model, one always has to admire the continental approach and, in particular, that of Matthias Sammer at Bayern Munich.
Arturo Vidal and Kingsley Coman were great summer purchases, while the acquisition of Douglas Costa might have been the best summer deal of them all.
Start getting your speech together, mein Herr.
Best Short
4 of 10
Nominees: Santi Cazorla (Arsenal), Alexis Sanchez (Arsenal), Bernard (Shakhtar Donetsk), Joe Allen (Liverpool), Lionel Messi (Barcelona)
Favourite: Santi Cazorla
As the shortest team in the Premier League, Arsenal could sweep the board in this category; however, only 5'6" Santi Cazorla and 5'7" Alexis Sanchez make the cut. (Jack Wilshere is also said to be 5'7", but it is too difficult to confirm his vertical height as he is usually laying down receiving treatment.)
Lionel Messi is ostensibly the best player on the list, but he's not quite as short as Santi, who is making up for a childhood of not being able to get on rollercoasters by taking Arsenal's midfield by storm.
As B/R's James McNicholas notes, he is truly missed when he is not fit.
Best Costume Design
5 of 10
Nominees: Rayo Vallecano (third choice), Norwich (third choice), Roma (away), West Ham (home), Real Madrid (away)
Favourite: Rayo Vallecano (third choice)
If you're going to concede 10 goals at the Bernabeu, you may as well do it wearing a snazzy kit with a rainbow sash.
Rayo Vallecano look to have run away with the costume design award thanks to their third kit, which is designed to speak for the "unsung heroes" of society. Each shirt sold saw €7 donated to seven different causes, which is jolly nice of them.
There's also a surprise nomination for Norwich's rugby-shirt third kit, which was needlessly worn in the recent visit to Stoke. The design is a brave one, considering it's basically just the same colours as their other two kits.
Best Original Song
6 of 10
Nominees: Alex Song (West Ham), Sebastien Bassong (Norwich), Jin-Hyung Song (Jeju United), Je-Heon Song (Sangju Sangmu Phoenix), Jean-Alain Boumsong (free agent)
Favourite: Alex Song
Ever since Rigobert Song retired, Alex Song has had this category wrapped up.
The sunglasses and crazy boots that he wears on the field may suggest his repeated success in this award category has gone to his head, but let's not pretend Sebastien Bassong is going to nab this one.
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
7 of 10
Nominees: Nicolas Otamendi (Manchester City), Andy Carroll (West Ham), Steve Evans (Leeds), Olivier Giroud (Arsenal), Jack Grealish (Aston Villa)
Favourite: Andy Carroll
It's an all-Premier League field for best Best Make-up and Hairstyling (Neymar is furious about the snub), with the exception of Leeds United manager* Steve Evans, who makes the cut for his sharp dress sense and the apparent liberal use of eye liner.
Nicolas Otamendi's asymmetric work of art, Olivier Giroud's immaculate gelled construction and Jack Grealish's 1990s Hugh Grant tribute look likely to lose out to Andy Carroll and his baffling braided barnet.
*It's perfectly possible that Evans is not Leeds manager by the time you've finished this sentence. And that they've hired and fired his replacement by the time you finish reading this one.
Best Visual Effects
8 of 10Nominees: Marko Arnautovic (Stoke), Neymar (Barcelona), Ezequiel Lavezzi (Paris Saint-Germain), Nigel De Jong (Milan), Tim Howard (Everton)
Favourite: Nigel De Jong
While Star Wars, Ex Machina and The Martian battle it out for Best Visual Effects in Hollywood, the contest here is dedicated to those who have strived to cover their bodies in permanent ink.
Marko Arnautovic deserves recognition for his slow metamorphosis into Zlatan Ibrahimovic, while Neymar's new leg tattoo is impressive.
However, this one has to go to Nigel De Jong, whose Indonesian-style inkings remain a marvel to behold. He's clearly the coolest person named "Nigel" on the planet.
Best Original Screenplay
9 of 10
Nominees: Chelsea's terrible season, Leicester's brilliant season, Manchester United's dull style, Barcelona's treble, the downfall of FIFA
Favourite: The downfall of FIFA
Most industry insiders actually know that world football is, like a Hollywood blockbuster, completely scripted.
The genius scriptwriters came up with some great storylines in the past year, including Barcelona's superb treble that was punctuated by "crisis," the inexplicable downturn of Premier League champions Chelsea and the outright banter of having Leicester lead the Premier League at the halfway stage.
But no storyline deserves more praise than the collapse of FIFA, spurred on by several rounds of indictments by the United States Department of Justice.
Having Sepp Blatter win an election, then stand down days later, then receive a ban from the game—all while protesting his innocence—is just the kind of three-arc narrative that we all wanted to see.
Ironically, it's a much better screenplay than the one that was written for United Passions.
Best Original Score
10 of 10Nominees: Lionel Messi vs. Athletic Club, Alessandro Florenzi vs. Barcelona, Philippe Mexes vs. Internazionale, Gonzalo Castro vs. Deportivo La Coruna, Charlie Adam vs. Chelsea
Favourite: Lionel Messi vs. Athletic Club
This award is basically like the Puskas Award and Match of the Day's Goal of the Season—except the voting can't be hijacked by South Americans or Arsenal fans.
Alessandro Florenzi's beauty against Barcelona would probably win in any other year, but the B/R Academy has to go with Lionel Messi for his dazzling solo effort in last season's Copa del Rey final against Bilbao.
Because if there's one thing Messi needs more of, it's recognition via awards.
