15 Absolute Truths All Sports Fans Can (Probably) Agree Upon
A sports fan will never have trouble finding an argument—statistics may prove a point or refute another, but no point of view has ever collapsed under the overwhelming weight of good data. Among fans, sports are as much about what could have happened or what will happened. And the value of a team or athlete is in the eye of the beholder.
To the sports fan, no premise is indefensible nor is it immune to attack, which explains why the comments section following any sports-related writing posted online is a boiling cauldron of surrealist nihilism.
However, a few sacred truths in sports have found a way to transcend the argument orthodoxy—facts that have achieved near-universal consensus among fans.
These are absolute truths all sports fans can (probably) agree on.
Real Fans Don't Leave Early
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Being a sports fan isn’t always easy—it’s not supposed to be easy because the best things in life never are. You know who has always had it easy? Paris Hilton. Donald Trump. The Kardashians. Jaden Smith. Ashton Kutcher. Charlie Sheen. Lane Kiffin.
With the exception of a medical or family emergency, there is no excuse for leaving a game early. We win together, and we lose together. We sit in the rain together. We say terrible things at opposing players together. That’s what being a fan is all about.
Oregon's Fashion Show Is out of Hand
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With Nike as their omnipresent benefactor pumping millions into Ducks athletics, the University of Oregon, also known as University of Nike, is up to its eyeballs in apparel.
Oregon’s football team has been making national headlines with their constantly changing uniforms for years now—OMG can you believe they never wear the same uniform twice?!
The ongoing fashion show was still novel in 2012. It’s just tired in 2015.
We All Hate the Patriots, Who Couldn't Care Less
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Everyone Else: Cheaters! Spygate!
Patriots Nation: You hate us ‘cuz you ain’t us.
Everyone Else: Cheaters! Deflategate!
Patriots Nation: All we do is win.
Everyone Else: Quit running up the score!
Patriots Nation: No. [Nelson laugh]
Ugh...the Patriots are the worst.
.jpg?w=256 "Colts Jaguars Football")
Dog Mascots Are the Best Mascots
4 of 15Saying that dogs are definitively the best mascots is probably a bit speciest—all mascots are created equal, even the banana slug—but at the college level, a dog is the only way to go if you want an actual living mascot.
Buffaloes...tigers...bears...condors...these are not animals that should be kept in captivity and occasionally trotted out for the amusement of thousands of drunken college kids. Dogs, on the other hand, live for that crap.
Tiger Woods Is No Longer Tiger Woods
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OK, so technically Tiger Woods is still the same Tiger Woods he always was. On a fundamental/scientific/cellular level, a DNA test would prove that he is still the same human being today that he was back when he was winning. It’s not like a Face/Off situation or anything. At least not that we know of.
But at the height of his career, Woods wasn’t just a talented human golfer—he was a global sports icon...an unstoppable winning machine...a force so dominant that his name became synonymous with greatness. “The Tiger Woods of [insert sport/career]” identified other established greats, while “The Next Tiger Woods” is a title that will continue to curse promising young golfers for decades to come.
But when CBS Sports' Kyle Porter asks “Is Jordan Spieth the next Tiger Woods?” he's obviously not referencing current-day Woods in the twilight of his career; a washed-up shell of his former self, struggling to come to terms with a drastically altered reality.
Only Garbage Humans Cheer an Injury
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How a fan reacts to an opposing player's injury in the privacy of his own home is his own business. Despite what the endless throngs of moralizing trolls on Twitter will tell you, sports aren’t classy. They’re not supposed to be classy, and that’s a good thing.
That being said, being a sports fan doesn’t exempt one from the well-established bounds of basic human decency. And it’s safe to say that basic human decency precludes publicly celebrating someone sustaining a serious physical injury, particularly when he's in the same building.
Ragnar the Viking Really Overplayed His Hand
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Prior to the start of the current NFL season, longtime Vikings mascot Ragnar was in negotiations with the organization to renew his expired contract. In the mascot game since 1993, Ragnar had been earning $1,500 per game (and free tickets) in recent years.
Now, you can’t fault the guy for wanting a raise, but you can blame him for going into negotiations that were just a smidgen unrealistic. According to the Associated Press (h/t Pioneer Press' Marino Eccher), Ragnar demanded $20,000 per game for the next 10 years, with additional compensation for preseason appearances. Minnesota declined.
Monkeys Riding Dogs Are Amazing
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As an animal lover who watches nature shows like scaredy cats watch horror movies (peeking occasionally through my fingers and asking “is it over yet?”), I will concede that there is something not quite right about the idea of strapping a saddle to a dog and strapping a monkey to that saddle.
But while I don’t love the idea in theory, it turns out that in practice, it’s downright amazing—it’s like the exact opposite of communism. For reasons almost never explained, monkeys riding dogs are occasionally brought in to entertain fans at sporting events. And guess what! They kill each and every time.
Lane Kiffin Is the WORST
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Appearing to be a living, breathing monument to the perils of nepotism, Alabama offensive coordinator Lane Kiffin has shown an absolutely remarkable propensity for failing upward. It’s incredible that he continues to find gainful employment despite being run out of town by an angry mob everywhere he goes—except for Tennessee, where the mob developed just after he left.
California has been particularly unkind to Kiffin. Back in 2008 it would’ve been hard to believe that a team cutting ties with a coach could get any uglier than Kiffin’s notoriously bitter Raiders exit, but that’s exactly what happened five years later at USC. In September 2013, Kiffin was pulled off the team bus at LAX, fired on the spot and apparently left behind to arrange his own transportation home.
The “Carpetbagging Offensive Coordinator” was recently dubbed one of the worst people in college football by Rolling Stone.
The Arena Playlist Needs Work
10 of 15Outside sports arenas, time never stops, constantly rolling forward whether we like it or not. Whereas inside, most of it stopped sometime in the late '90s. Sure, the occasional newer title makes its way into the rotation, but of course, it’s usually absolute crap like Robin Thicke or Maroon 5 or...Nickelback.
Most basketball and hockey games are a musical tour of dated novelty rock, which wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing if a few of the biggest duds were scrubbed from every playlist. Even just getting rid of “Tubthumping” and “Cotton Eye Joe” would improve the situation.
Talk Is Cheap
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On the broader subject of coaches and athletes running their mouths, as a whole, sports fans are largely divided into two camps. The first is people who are fundamentally opposed to talking (and usually fun) of any sort. Play the game, collect the paycheck and shut the mouth. Your dad probably falls into this camp. Your granddad definitely does.
The other camp is more flexible on the talking, recognizing that life shouldn’t be lived like an eternal stay in high school detention. Athletes trash-talking on the field and ill-advisedly running their mouths on social media is pure entertainment. The drama it creates fills the gaps in between games and helps carry us through the long offseason.
One thing we can all agree on, however, is you never let your mouth write a check your butt can’t cash. Is there anything more pathetic than a week of chest-beating and bloviation that culminates in abject failure? Except for Rex Ryan, there’s no need to name names.
Wayne Gretzky the BEST of the Best
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There may be a few contrarians out there who have carefully crafted arguments in favor of Bobby Orr, Gordie Howe or Mario Lemieux, but there is simply no questioning the supremacy of Wayne Gretzky.
When The Great One retired in 1999, he had 60 NHL records to his name—23 of which have been deemed “unbreakable” by NHL.com. Seriously, the man is beyond reproach, so don’t even start.
We Never Stop Rooting for the Underdogs
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There is something uniquely American about our collective love for the proverbial sports underdog. Underdogs won our independence from Great Britain. The American Dream is all about building something from nothing through hard work, ambition and grit. We appreciate greatness most when it’s built from the ground up.
Just look at every sports movie ever made. Major League? Underdogs. How about The Mighty Ducks, The Karate Kid, Varsity Blues, Rookie of the Year, Cool Runnings, Slap Shot, The Bad News Bears, The Natural, Happy Gilmore, BASEketball and Rudy? Underdogs. Oh, and Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story? Underdog is right there in the title.
The same holds true in real life too. Basically everyone right now is a Cubs fan.
The Announcers Suck
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Which announcers suck? All the announcers suck.
Truth is, for most fans, the vast majority of announcers have an almost impossible bar to clear because not actively ruining the game for them is the ceiling for that job.
That certainly appears to be the case at the national level, if not the local.
The Ref Sucks
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Which ref sucks? All the refs suck.
There’s a reason the officiating team spends the vast majority of every game getting yelled at from every direction—because the fans know they deserve it.
This one thing, more than anything else, is what unites us all as sports fans...it unites us as human beings.
.jpg?w=480 "Colts Jaguars Football")
