Liver's 2009 NFL Week Two Picks

I suppose one could start off the season worse than 7-9. You can see why certain people in Vegas age quicker than others. The Ravens just HAD to run the ball in for that final TD against the Chiefs which brought the final score to Ravens 38-24 when the smart money, and mine, was on K.C getting 13 points. Then you had the Monday night debacles where both New England and San Diego had to score last minute TDs to barely win against Buffalo and Oakland respectively. Let’s try and forget that the Liver decided to lay the 11 on the Patriots and 9 ½ on the Chargers.

And since we’re on the topic of the Monday night debacle, let’s bring up one Buffalo Bills cornerback Leodis McKelvin. The Patriots scored to cut Buffalo's lead to 24-19 late in the fourth. At this point the game was over as far as the Liver was concerned. The Patriots weren’t going to cover tonight so maybe the Bills could finally beat the Patriots for the first time since Drew Bledsoe was a Bill.

Instead of taking a knee in the end zone after the kickoff, McKelvin ran the ball out and had the ball stripped from his hands. The Patriots recovered at the Bills 31 and scored the winning TD three plays later. McKelvin just might have made the Sports Hall of Shame on that play. You felt bad for the guy and for the Bills. But then you have two jack-ass 16-year-olds go and vandalize his lawn in suburban Buffalo after the loss. And these were kids that lived in the same neighborhood as McKelvin.

To McKelvin’s credit, he is not pressing charges nor does he think the kids should do any jail time. He’s a better man than the Liver that’s for goddamn sure. I’d have those two little bastards face down on THEIR PARENT’S F***ING LAWN after that. It does make one realize though just how vulnerable these athletes that we adore so much are. Now we’re starting to understand why many pro athletes do carry guns. It also goes to show that many sports fans out there HAVE NO LIVES. I think Jim Tressel said as much during his press conference this week after another big game Buckeye loss.

These little pricks probably won’t do any time because they’re minors but they should be made examples of. I really hope that the Erie County district's attorney's office does press charges and at least make the parents go into bankruptcy in order to pay the legal fees.

The Liver would like to personally thank Michael Jordan for showing his true colors during his shameful Hall of Fame speech in Springfield, MA over the weekend. I always knew he was a selfish, tactless piece of shit but even I couldn’t have dreamed up a better speech for him. He showed what he is and always been; a sore winner and the WORST example for kids. This is a guy who has won at every level – college, NBA, Olympics – and he came of like a bitter jerk that had been screwed out of everything. It takes a lot to make even your strongest supporters cringe in embarrassment.

He attacked EVERY coach he ever had except for another notoriously arrogant asshole Phil Jackson. Mike’s hit list also included former Bulls GM Jerry Reinsdorf, Pat Riley, Jeff Van Gundy,  Isiah Thomas, Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, Bryon Russell, his presenter Leroy Smith who beat him out for his high school varsity basketball team, his kids, his brothers, the man on the street for not kissing his ass, all the women who didn’t f**k him, his ex-wife for taking most of his money in their divorce settlement, the Chicago mob bookies that shockingly made him pay off his gambling debts and even the Liver. I’m surprised Daniel Green and Larry Demery weren’t in there.

How can you rip Dean Smith, Mike? Because he kept you off a f***ing S.I. cover as a freshman?

Gee Mike, nobody realized you were as touchy and sensitive as a woman.

But Mike is right to be angry. Because we all know that Mike is the ONLY PERSON ALIVE who has been hurt, slighted, doubted or has had to face any kind of adversity. No one knows what adversity is, only Mike. We all have led charmed, problem-free lives while Mike has been shat on through his. There are 12-year-olds out there that are better then him when it comes to dealing with past hurts and resentments.

He also confirmed the rumors that he is one of the cheapest pieces of shit ever when he sarcastically “thanked” the Hall of Fame for raising ticket prices to the event. This guy has millions and he’s bitching about ticket prices.

Surprisingly one of the people Mike didn’t thank, he only thanked six people by the way, was the NBA Führer David Stern. He should’ve been down spread eagle on that stage considering that the Führer implemented the flagrant foul rule for Mike that helped Mike win his rings and has, consequently, pussified and corrupted the NBA to the point now where ANY kind of contact or look or bad breath can draw a flagrant and the game is now a laughable shell of what it was during its glory years of the 80s. Referees have more influence over a game then ever and they just happen to be the worst, most corrupt officials in North American sports. See Tim Donaghy for more evidence on that.

In case you were in the dark, the NBA flagrant foul rule was enacted in the early 1990s as “an attempt to deter contact which, in addition to being against the rules, puts an opponent's safety and health at risk.” The terminology in the NBA rulebook for contact that puts safety and health at risk is “unnecessary and/or excessive contact.”

The English translation of that is that Stern, realizing that little Mike was going to be his and the NBA’s meal ticket after Bird and Magic retired, worried that poor Mike might not last long if teams like the Detroit Pistons continually beat the living shit out him every year which they did in such glorious fashion from 1987-1991.

The only opponent, in Stern’s eyes, whose “safety and health” were at risk was Mike. Isn’t it funny how the implementation of the flagrant foul coincides with Mike winning his 6 rings? The rule was implemented at the beginning of the 90s and Jordan along with every other star player that followed would get the benefit of EVERY horseshit touch foul call no matter how bogus it was. It also meant that when players went down the lane and got knocked down to the ground, WHICH IS HOW BASKETBALL IS PLAYED, they would get two foul shots and their team got a free possession.

No, wait, it gets better. It also meant that Jordan and future superstars could get away with murder and NOT get called for the same actions that 95% of other NBA players would be. See the infamous push off on Bryon Russell in Game 6 of the 1998 NBA Finals when Jordan hit his shot to win the game which I call Exhibit A. ANY OTHER PLAYER gets called for an offensive foul on that play. However, thanks to the Führer’s new rules, Jordan knew exactly what he could get away with because he knew when it came down to a make-or-break play, he would get the benefit of a call or non-call from the referees.

I never thought I’d say this but if you want a Mike to look up to when it comes to post-career humility, look to Michael Irvin. Yes, he’s a Cowboy and a notorious womanizer, drug user, etc. He, however, showed some humility and grace during his Hall of Fame speech as just about EVERY OTHER HALL OF FAME ATHLETE does when they’re inducted into their respective Halls of Fame. These guys aren’t choirboys as we all know but at least, with the exception of Mike Jordan, can show humility and tactfulness when they are given their final moment to express thanks for the gifts they have been given. Mike had to use his moment to send out one last vindictive F.U. to the world. The really scary part is he thought he was FUNNY up there.

A mature, grown up man would’ve just said “Thank you” to the people that motivated him and not try to publicly humiliate them. Thank you again Mike. Now NO ONE wants to be just like you. Whenever I have the urge to feel sorry for myself, to think that my problems are unique to me, or to humiliate others for no other reason then to just appeal to my own ego, I’ll remember you. You may be the greatest basketball player ever Mike. But you’re also one of the sorriest, emptiest bastards to ever walk a court.  Too bad you couldn’t have learned something from your fellow Hall of Fame inductee David Robinson when it came to grace and humility.

I’m glad that this is how Mike wants to go out. This is the guy he always was and always will be. Now the world knows it. This wasn’t an acceptance speech. This was a denial of reality speech.    

Thanks for the memories Mike. I look forward to your next acceptance speech as WORST GM ever in the NBA. Make sure and give thanks to Kwame Brown, you old comedian you. Please hold true to your “threat” of coming back at age 50 so I can see 20-year-olds dunk on your worthless ass and tarnish your image further. Only this time, you have to come back in a Bobcats jersey. In the meantime, feel free to choke yourself on a Big Mac wrapped in your f***ing Hanes.

Here’s to a nice revenge killing of the Texas Tech Red Raiders this weekend as the Liver’s beloved Longhorns seek to avenge the last second loss from last season that, along with the idiocy of the BCS and the Big 12, kept them from playing in the National Championship game last year.

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze. I’ll always have Red Dawn, Roadhouse and Point Break to cheer me up and give me some unintended laughs as well as a nice adrenaline boost. All the women will have Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

Of course it goes without saying that the following picks AGAINST THE SPREAD are for RECREATIONAL USE ONLY. Only Rick Pitino, LeGarrette Blount, Donte’ Stallworth, Tila Tequila, Isiah Thomas, Travis Henry, Serena Williams, Michael Jordan, the Liver’s biological father (a.k.a. The Most Interesting Man in the World) and all Somali Pirates would be drunk enough to question the Esteemed Liver's picks.

Last week’s record: 7-9

2009 record against the spread: 7-9

Sunday, September 20

Oakland at Kansas City (-3)

Both Oakland and K.C. impressed me over the weekend. Both teams showed a lot of heart when they were both expected to get destroyed. Oakland’s defense seems to be vastly improved but they still have the problem of JaMarcus Russell not being able to complete a slant pass. I think we can all officially call him a bust. Whether or not K.C. can move the ball consistently won’t be known until Matt Cassel comes back. Unfortunately we already know that the defense still sucks against the run.  Pick: Oakland

New Orleans at Philadelphia (off)

Drew Brees had a career day against the Lions last weekend but then again who doesn’t? Let’s see him do that against the ferocious pass defense of the Eagles. The Saints still have to play defense if they hope to go anywhere this year. As for Filthy, McNabb’s status is still uncertain after his rib injury which means that Kevin Kolb will start the game barring a miracle. How long he lasts before recently signed Jeff Garcia comes in is another thing. With this being a pick em because of McNabb’s uncertain status and the Saints gauntlet of an offense…Pick: Saints

Cincinnati at Green Bay (-9)

It must really suck to be a Bengals fan. One of the flukiest plays you’ll ever see in your life, a tipped 87-yard TD with 11 seconds left, and it ends up costing them a precious win. That might have been one of the few wins they had this year. With the psyche of that team as fragile as it is, it’s hard to not see that loss lingering for a while. Did I mention how happy I am that “Hard Knocks” left Dallas? Their chances won’t get much better this weekend against a Dom Capers-led Green Bay defense that, for one game at least, looks like a completely different one then last year’s. The Bengals have to be able to run the ball with former Horn great Cedric Benson if they hope to be in this game. If the Packers play their game, they should win. Their offensive line, however, cannot allow four sacks on Aaron Rodgers as they did against the Bears. If the Bengals defense, and I use that term lightly, can pressure Rodgers and force him to make some hurried throws, this could be an uncomfortably close game for Packers fans.  Pick: Cincinnati


Arizona at Jacksonville (-3)

Arizona looked like a team with a post-Super Bowl loss hangover against the 49’rs last weekend. Kurt Warner showed his age, Anquan Boldin was ineffective which allowed the 49’rs defense to double-team Larry Fitzgerald and make him a non-factor and they still can’t run the ball. Jacksonville played its traditionally tough, hard-fought game against the Colts but also followed their pattern of losing to the Colts more often than not. However, the Cardinals are a notoriously awful East Coast road team, so the Jags will have the upper hand if they can get off to a fast start with Maurice Jones-Drew running the ball. Pick: Jacksonville 


Carolina at Atlanta (-6 ½)

What was it I said about Jake Delhomme last week? Can you think of another QB who has gone in the tank so severely in such a short amount of time? Can you believe that the Panthers signed him to a 3-year, $20 million extension over the off-season? Granted the Eagles pass rush can make ANY QB look bad but Delhomme can’t make the mistakes he did last weekend and hope to keep his job. The problem for the Panthers is that they have no one else at that position so they have to stick with Jake. Oh wait, I forgot; they signed A.J. Feeley over the week. Atlanta had a solid opening win and looks to clearly be the best in the NFC South this year. The only chance the Panthers have is to run DeAngelo Williams all day and all night. The Panthers are 8-0 when Williams rushes for 110-plus yards. Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Tennessee (-6 ½)

So much for the 2009 Houston Texans. Were there actually so-called experts that thought that team was a PLAYOFF team? I hear Jim Mora crying out right now. That was an embarrassment they threw out there against the Jets. In other news, Matt Schaub has a tender ankle. Isn’t EVERY part of his body tender? That clicking sound you hear is Gary Kubiak updating his resume. Tennessee had a tough opening night loss but they are still a better team then the Texans and their pass rush should have Schaub on the sidelines before the third quarter is over. However, scoring points is not the Titans strong suit and the Texans have better wide receivers so this could be an uncomfortably close game for Tennessee. If LenDale White can lose 30 pounds by giving up tequila, just imagine how smoking hot the Liver would look if he could give up whiskey and worthless women. Pick: Houston

Minnesota at Detroit (+10)

Relax Vikings fans; this is a win for you. Just follow your game plan from last week and you’ll be fine. Run Adrian Peterson until his legs fall off and let Favre manage the game. Just call him Brett Favre…game manager. That sounds weird. The question is how long before he reverts to his old cowboy bullshit and starts throwing picks? Jim Schwartz might have made his Moe Green bones as a defensive coach but that Lions defense has a LONG way to go. Don’t go making Super Bowl plans just yet though Vikings fans. Your season starts on October 5 when you play the Packers. I’m sure no one will be interested in that game. Pick: Minnesota

St. Louis at Washington (-10)

Okay, so now I know who the worst team in the NFL is. The 2008 Lions record of futility might not be safe for long with the Rams playing. They’re so bad they made JULIUS F***ING JONES look like Jim Brown. If the Redskins can’t win this game, they have serious problems. Did Santana Moss go into the Witness Protection Program last week or is it that Jason Campbell just might suck? I don’t think the Redskins are good enough to beat any team by double digits. I feel I'm making another huge mistake with this pick. Times like this I wish I was Kevin Flynn in Tron as he is trying to hack into the MCP right before he gets zapped into the game grid and is warned; "I'm afraid...stop, please. You realize I can't allow this! I'm warning you. You entering a big error, Flynn." Pick: St. Louis

New England at N.Y. Jets (+4)

So the Patriots play a half-ass game for 55 minutes and still win? Check. They couldn’t run the ball, they traded their best defensive player and the offensive line was plain offensive? Check. So the Jets, no doubt inspired by their mouthy new head coach (he is a Ryan after all so naturally you want to take a swing at him), a win over a bad Texans team and an over hyped QB of the future, decide to talk trash and give the Pats bulletin board material? Check. So this game just might be a lot of fun to watch? Check. Pick: N.Y. Jets


Seattle at San Francisco (-1 ½)

SWEET; an NFC West match-up. I don’t care if Seattle beat the Rams 28-0 or 55-0. The Rams are the worst team in football. I’m not saying the 49’rs are anything special but the Seahawks will see their first real team in this game. Thank Christ we’re getting these NFC West interdivisional games out of the way early. Three down, nine to go. This division is what Gunny Hartman refers to his recruits as at the beginning of Full Metal Jacket; “…you are pukes. You are the lowest form on Earth. You are not even human, f***ing beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabistic pieces of amphibian shit.” Pick: San Francisco

Tampa Bay at Buffalo (- 4 ½)

The suffering of a Bills fan reached new zeniths after last Monday night’s collapse. I almost felt as bad for them as I did when the Cowboys snatched victory from them on ANOTHER MONDAY NIGHT BILLS COLLAPSE two years ago. Talk about a kick in the nuts.  Baby Drop had 2 receptions for 46 yards and no scores. As Marty Mc Fly said to his future jailbird Uncle Joey as a baby “Better get used to these bars, kid.”  He’s got NOTHING left. That, and his one-man manic-depressive show of his, is why the Cowboys got rid of him. Tampa had a good day running the football last Sunday with Cadillac Williams but there still remains the problem of Byron Leftwich and his pitcher-like windup that takes longer then a post-sex cigarette. Then there’s also their secondary that got burned for three 60-yard plus TDs. Pick: Tampa Bay


Baltimore at San Diego (-3)

San Diego had trouble with the Raiders last week and their defense. At times, they looked flat-out confused. Then you have Phillip Rivers, who is always a challenger to Jay Cutler as one of the most hated players in the NFL. Wasn’t it a wonderful world when they BOTH played in the same division? You’d think that douche would know by now to keep his mouth shut but obviously he hasn’t. It’s one thing to mouth off at a Raiders defensive player. It’s another to mouth off to a Ravens defensive player.  Unless he’s got a Billy Cole from The Last Boy Scout type of contingency plan, he just might have a death wish the likes that Charles Bronson couldn’t even conceive of.  After so many years of the all defense-no offense bit with the Ravens, it’s still taking some getting used to the idea that they actually have offensive play makers now in the form of Joe Flacco and Ray Rice. This could be one of the better games of the weekend.  Pick: Baltimore

Pittsburgh at Chicago (+3)

Jay Cutler did nothing to impress his new Bears teammates last week as he threw 4 picks in a loss against the Packers. You know your reputation is lower than a Las Vegas hooker when Tony Dungy is calling you out. Cutler’s “DUH” faced pout should be on full effect Sunday as James Harrison and LaMarr Woodley pull a “Nuke” LaLoosh as they give him the heat and announce their presence with authority. Unfortunately for Jay, he has no “Crash Davis” to teach him the ways. Even if there were, he’d be twice as stupid as Nuke was in the beginning and shake him off. Jay knows everything, except how to be a leader and win.

If that wasn’t bad enough, the Bears lost their defensive leader Brian Urlacher for the season. Then again, isn’t half of the Bears defense on IR before mid-season every year? Meanwhile the Madden Curse lives on as this year’s Madden cover boy (Troy Polamalu) is out for 3 to 6 weeks. I think that players should have it written into their contract that if they appear on the Madden cover that their morals clause becomes null and void. You might as well be able to do whatever you want since it’s a given you’re not going to last the season.  I never thought I’d say this about a Pittsburgh Steelers team in my lifetime but their running game SUCKS. You’re not going to get the passing numbers out of Big Ben that you had last week on a consistent basis so Mike Tomlin would be wise to inspire Willie Parker and Rashard Mendenhall by dousing them with gasoline and chasing them with a windproof Scripto in his hand. Then again maybe the offensive line isn’t that good. I think we all said that last year. Wonder how that turned out? Pick: Pittsburgh

Cleveland at Denver (-3)

Denver probably had its most memorable win of the season last week after the miracle Stokely play. Kudos to him for having the smarts to run parallel to the end zone in order to burn clock rather than just run it in. Let that be a lesson to all you youngsters out there; sometimes instant gratification gets you beat. About the best thing I can say about the Browns right now is that there have been no reported staph infections in their locker room YET. Pick: Denver


N.Y. Giants at Dallas (-3)

Cowboys Stadium sees its first regular season action as the whole country will be watching the tenants take on the Giants in the game of the weekend.

Yes, the Cowboys won last week, but the defense looked awful against a Tampa Bay team that wasn’t nearly as good as they looked Sunday. The run defense let Cadillac Williams run all over them and even let Byron Leftwich make some plays. This simply can’t happen against the Giants. Brandon Jacobs needs to be kept in check or else this could get ugly. The pass rush has to put constant pressure on Eli and force him to go vertical and make plays to his receivers.

After a shaky first half where it seemed at times that he might have been drinking the same bourbon as the Liver, Romo ended up having a career day last Sunday in terms of yardage. Three TDs of 60-plus yards to three different receivers is a great way to usher in the “We don’t need T.O” era. It’s also nice to know that they won’t have to deal with the “Did T.O. get enough touches” question after EVERY game win or lose. The running game has to produce more on the ground though then they did last week in order to control the clock. Oh Jason Garrett, it might be good to give that Felix Jones guy at least 12 touches not HALF of that.

I like the Cowboys to win this game. I think there will be too many emotions flowing for them to blow this one. With the new stadium being introduced to the world on national T.V. and the blood hatred rivalry between the Cowboys and Giants almost always producing great, hard fought games; this game is the Cowboys’ to lose. However, they have to play better than last week and I fear this will most likely come down to a late field goal. Give me the Cowboys straight up but against the spread…Pick: Giants


Monday, September 21

Indianapolis at Miami (+3)

Miami affirmed my belief that they were a one-year wonder as they were almost shut out last week by the Falcons. All the wildcats in the world ain’t gonna save this team. The bit is up and the league is onto it. When your offense’s greatest asset is a bit play, you’re in trouble. The Colts didn’t look spectacular last week but they got lucky in the fact that they were playing the Jags, a team they almost always beat. So Anthony Gonzales is out for 8 weeks and you get Hank Baskett, his stupid bimbo whore of a wife and his big bag of nothing? That pick-up should pay big dividends…in worthlessness. Pick: Colts