The Wolverine Health Care Reform Debate: A University Hall Meeting

(Camera flashes light up the room like a disco hall as University of Michigan Health Director Mill Bartin steps behind the podium. A disgruntled crowd of people wearing faded maize and blue sweatshirts murmur to each other as the meeting begins.)

Mill:  Thank you all for coming today. I want this to be an honest and open discussion, but just in case it gets unruly, we have guards who are armed to the teeth with Taser guns. Now I know a lot of you have some concerns you’d like to share, so let’s go ahead and get started.

Concerned Citizen No. 1: Will I still be able to keep my MediCarr benefits after the RodOption is fully in place?

Mill:  Like I said when we made the change...I stated that it was time for that change, that not enough people were insured under the MediCarr plan, and we were looking for a plan that would be more efficient and successful by adapting to today’s health care environment. MediCarr is no longer in place, but you still have insurance with the RodOption.

Concerned Citizen No. 2: I think I speak for everyone here when I say damn the new RodOption plan! No one wanted it in the first place, so why are you pushing it on us?!

Mill: Aren’t you the same people who were calling my office day and night to get rid of the MediCarr system? I specifically remember comments about how slow the system was, that there wasn’t a good variety of plans to choose from, not enough coverage, etc. etc. Why the sudden change of heart?

Concerned Citizen No. 2: Sure, I complained about that stuff.  But I never thought you’d actually do it! Now you expect me to be patient while the new system works out all the kinks? No way!

Concerned Citizen No. 3: I’ll take it from here, No. 2. Mr. Bartin, I’ve studied the new RodOption plan and I must say I find it very disturbing. The old MediCarr doctors weren’t perfect, but I always knew what to expect every time I had to visit the Big Hospital.  Now I’m afraid of this newfangled RodOption crap, and I think about all the horror stories from Thug University Hospital back in the '90s. Those doctors were very negligent and the hospital did nothing to screen these people while recruiting them.

Mill: Now I can assure you that we're not going to turn into Thug-U Hospital.  If anything, you’ll notice that our doctors work much faster, and you will still get the same quality of care without sacrificing background checks and risking the hospital’s reputation.

Concerned Citizen No. 4: What about the allegations that your RodOption doctors worked too many hours per week?

Mill: The medical staff work within the rules of the health care system. They all want to be the best doctors they can be, so any extra time caring for patients is completely voluntary. Besides, the only doctors who are really complaining are the ones who had trouble transitioning from the MediCarr system.

Concerned Citizen No. 5: Baloney! In one year’s time, we have lost the integrity of the Big Hospital values. The only solution is to drop the RodOption now, before our school’s health legacy is tarnished forever.

Mill: I’m sorry, but I’m not going to sacrifice the future generation of Big Hospital patients just to appease a vocal minority of MediCarr recipients. Our health care quality was falling behind other schools and a decision had to be made...

(Suddenly No. 5 takes out his dentures and throws them at Mill Bartin’s head. He swiftly ducks just in time to avoid the flying teeth as they sail over him and shatter against the back wall behind the podium.)

Mill: That’s it!  End of meeting. I was going to propose some new features of the plan, such as the Stubborn Alumni extension and the Bewildered Sense of Entitlement FastTrack option, but I don’t think any of you here truly deserve it.

(The cameras flash again as Mill is escorted by his guards to the exit.)