5th Down: The Top Social College Football Stories of the Week

The Fifth Down captures the top social college football stories of the week. Because the long, grueling offseason is underway, we'll focus on things that make us laugh, think, maybe cry, but mostly laugh. At the end of the day, the best quality of this often entertaining, sometimes twisted sport is that it makes us feel. 

1) PSA—South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier is Life's Roastmaster (But You Knew That Already)

The day Spurrier retires from college football will be one of mourning. There is simply no one who throws piping hot shade at others quite like the Head Ball Coach. Since the social media world moves 140 characters at a time, Spurrier's sound bites mesh perfectly into Twitter's format. 

(On a related note, Spurrier recently joined Twitter but hasn't used it to its full potential.) 

As far anyone is concerned, he's up there with Mark Twain and Abraham Lincoln as the most quotable icon in history. 

Waylp. 

Never mind that South Carolina also went 7-6 last year after being preseason SEC East favorites. Though ironic, it's secondary here because, boom! Roasted.   

2) Army Football: Powerhouse 

One of the truly arbitrary and pointless things college football admins do is decide who's a quality opponent and who isn't.

Last year, the ACC and SEC decided that conference members had to play one Power Five nonconference opponent every year. Not fitting into that description at first was BYU, one of the most consistent programs in recent years. The ACC later changed its stance in January because, again, these things don't really matter and shouldn't be followed by anyone. 

On Thursday, ESPN.com's Brett McMurphy reported that the SEC will consider BYU, along with FBS Independents Army and Notre Dame, as Power Five opponents. Why not Navy? Kevin McGuire at Collegefootballtalk.com explains: 

"

If you are wondering why Navy is not included in this mix of independent programs, then you should be reminded Navy will be playing as a football-playing member of the American Athletic Conference starting this fall. As far as the SEC scheduling is now concerned, a game against Army counts more in terms of strength than one against Navy. Technically.

"

And, technically, Army has had one winning season in 18 years and was last a national powerhouse in the 1940s. 

That makes sense considering college football is a sport that can't quite evolve at the pace it needs to because it's so enamored with the past.  

3) ThisWeekInFloridaStateCoachJimboFisherTalksSoFast

A major hat tip goes to Bud Elliott of TomahawkNation.com, who shared this nearly nine-minute video of Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher talking with reporters after practice. 

Fisher, as you may or may not know, was an auctioneer in a former life (hell, maybe in the present one, too). This is terrible news for anyone on the Florida State beat who has to transcribe interviews, and transcribing is already the single worst thing about being a reporter. 

Turn the closed captions on in the video below and watch as YouTube "attempts" to dissect whatever Fisher is saying. It's a good time-waster, and it's not like you're working today anyway because of the NCAA tournament. 

Speaking of which... 

4) Your College Football Face-Melting Tweet of the Week

The second first round of the NCAA tournament began Thursday as part of the best two days in sports. Buried in a controversial goaltending call between SMU and UCLA was that UAB upset Iowa State 60-59, effectively starting the bracket-busting process. 

In any case, this is what we took away from that game: 

"

UAB-Iowa State is a matchup of 2 schools without a football team

— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) March 19, 2015"

UAB, of course, terminated its football program last fall. Iowa State, well...

5) Athletes Are People, Too, Which Means They Watch Bad Television

In an effort to inject myself into this content, B/R colleague Barrett Sallee and I watch The Bachelor every Monday. This is a hazardous habit to one's health, like smoking or eating Whataburger A1 Thick and Hearty Burgers on the regular.

Knowing that you're not the only person to watch trashy television while wrist-deep into a pint of Ben & Jerry's, though? It helps. 

CeCe Jefferson, a 5-star defensive end in Florida's 2015 class, is apparently in love with Keeping Up With the Kardashians, and specifically Khloe Kardashian. So he let her know. Lo and behold, his advance worked.

Keep doing you, CeCe.  

6) Your Moment of Zen: Large Men Catching Passes

If you don't already know about Baylor offensive lineman/tight end LaQuan McGowan—he of the 410-pound physique—from his Cotton Bowl touchdown, get to know him quickly. He might be everyone's favorite player in 2015. 

McGowan caught a pass during Baylor's scrimmage on Friday night. For a moment, all was right in this messed up world. 

7) Finally, Terrifying Images 

1) Ohio State photoshopping 4-star defensive end Malik Barrow into a national championship picture: 

"

  #BuckeyeNation pic.twitter.com/CN2TMot2Ni

— MALIK BARROW (@MalikB_54) March 16, 2015"

How Terrifying (10-point scale): This gets a solid 8. The effort and photoshop skills are admirable, but the stone face in what should be a moment of ecstasy is disturbing. It's reminiscent of something you'd see on The Sims. That's not a good thing. 

2) Mike Davis' South Carolina tattoos:

How Terrifying: It's a 7 only because Davis is ripped, and I'm still not convinced a human body can be that sculpted. 

3) Auburn Fan has an Auburn truck: 

How Terrifying: Considering one LSU fan once had a coffin cooler, this gets a modest 4. 

Ben Kercheval is a lead writer for college football.