Karen Sypher's Story Funded By Wealthy Kentucky Backers? (Satire)

August 13, Louisville – UofL basketball coach Rick Pitino is fending off a media firestorm and most of the public is caught up in the he said, she said of his Italian Sextaurant Scandal.  Fortunately, one supremely dedicated Cardinal fan has risen above the din of morality questions and titillating details and to ask what no one else has.

“Why is Karen Sypher airing her dirty laundry?”

The morning after the scandal broke, local real estate agent and Louisville alum Paul Keegan found himself agonizing over the reported facts until he couldn’t think straight.  “The more I thought about it, the less it made sense,” Mr. Keegan said.

“I struggled with all those details, police reports, and menstrual time lines just swirling in my mind for hours until I had the epiphany.”

Mr. Keegan explained that, “Deep, deep down, like every Louisville fan,” he “already knew the root” of all of his alma mater’s problems.  But the media’s “highly orchestrated coverage” had once again clouded his judgment just as it had done for the rest of his similarly duped Cardinal brethren.

“It was the wealthy Kentucky backers,” he said while adding “A-gain!” and whistling in frustration.

“The thing of it was, I didn’t piece it together until I saw this big blue [expletive]wad wave to me with that [expletive]-eating grin on his face at lunch.  I knew he was just a typical UK fan the moment I was saw he his blue shirt on “Red-Out for Rick Day.”

“I thought, ‘On a day like this? What an [expletive].’ And then it clicked.”

“Think about it.  She was just looking for a payday this whole time.  First from Rick for the baby, but then baby’s gone and the payday’s gone.  Then with the blackmail, but then Pitino puts on the full FBI press and that’s gone.

“She was up against it at the end, so she went to those wealthy UK backers who gladly paid untold coal and horse fortunes to try and bring our program down,” Mr. Keegan said.  “It’s so simple,” he blankly intoned, “they do this [expletive] all the freakin’ time.”

After meticulously typing and revising his theory on his Blackberry, Mr. Keegan posted it on every message board and social networks he could find.

“I felt I needed to spread the word as soon as possible to get us all away from these crazy discussions and back to the big picture,” he said.

“Once I got it out there, everyone was really psyched that we could once again focus on hating our enemy at the root of it all,” he continued. “And not having to bother ourselves with these lame-ass tabloid articles and deeply personal moral dilemmas was a huge relief for everyone.”

And today in Louisville, where yesterday’s sports talk callers were placing their rosaries in other rooms to get through supportive Pitino pleas, the ship has been righted.

A lone fan inspired by his rivalry rage and search for the truth has returned a fan base its sanity and countless news departments their real assignments.

“Thanks to Mr. Keegan, at this point it’s a completely dead, non-story for us and we won’t be bringing it up anymore,” said one local sportswriter and by extension, one evil, manipulative Athletic Director, who is without a doubt behind everything that goes down in this town.

“I can’t wait for that game in Rupp though.  It should be fun,” he continued “I’ll be doing a booksigning for Cards fans at Joseph Beth, I love that place.”

LOUISVILLE—Cardinal basketball coach Rick Pitino is fending off a media firestorm, and most of the public is caught up in the he said/she said of his Italian Sextaurant Scandal.  Fortunately, one supremely dedicated Cardinal fan has risen above the din of morality questions and titillating details to ask what no one else has:

“Why is Karen Sypher airing her dirty laundry?”

The morning after the scandal broke, local real estate agent and Louisville alum Paul Keegan found himself agonizing over the reported facts until he couldn’t think straight.

“The more I thought about it, the less it made sense,” Mr. Keegan said. “I struggled with all those details, police reports, and menstrual time lines just swirling in my mind for hours until I had the epiphany.”

Mr. Keegan explained that, “Deep, deep down, like every Louisville fan,” he “already knew the root” of all of his alma mater’s problems.  But the media’s “highly orchestrated coverage” had once again clouded his judgment just as it had done for the rest of his similarly duped Cardinal brethren.

“It was the wealthy Kentucky backers,” he said, adding “A-gain!” and whistling in frustration.

“The thing of it was, I didn’t piece it together until I saw this big blue [expletive] wad wave to me with that [expletive]-eating grin on his face at lunch.  I knew he was just a typical UK fan the moment I was saw he his blue shirt on “Red-Out for Rick Day.”

“I thought, ‘On a day like this? What an [expletive].’ And then it clicked.”

“Think about it.  She was just looking for a payday this whole time.  First from Rick for the baby, but then baby’s gone and the payday’s gone.  Then with the blackmail, but then Pitino puts on the full FBI press and that’s gone.

“She was up against it at the end, so she went to those wealthy UK backers who gladly paid untold coal and horse fortunes to try and bring our program down,” Mr. Keegan said.  “It’s so simple,” he blankly intoned, “they do this [expletive] all the freakin’ time.”

After meticulously typing and revising his theory on his Blackberry, Keegan posted it on every message board and social network he could find.

“I felt I needed to spread the word as soon as possible to get us all away from these crazy discussions and back to the big picture,” he said.

“Once I got it out there, everyone was really psyched that we could once again focus on hating our enemy at the root of it all,” he continued. “And not having to bother ourselves with these lame-ass tabloid articles and deeply personal moral dilemmas was a huge relief for everyone.”

And today in Louisville, where yesterday’s sports talk callers were placing their rosaries in other rooms to get through supportive Pitino pleas, the ship has been righted.

A lone fan inspired by his rivalry rage and search for the truth has returned a fan base its sanity and countless news departments their real assignments.

“Thanks to Mr. Keegan, at this point it’s a completely dead, non-story for us and we won’t be bringing it up anymore,” said one local sportswriter, and by extension, one evil, manipulative Big East Athletic Director.

"I can't wait for that game in Rupp though.  It should be fun," he continued.  "I'll be doing a signing for a book I've written with Rick at Joseph Beth.  I love that place."