Second Annual Prowdy Awards: Awarding the Non-Lame in the NFL

ESPN had their ESPY's recently...and we all know they're sort of lame. So I came up with my own. These awards are given to individuals and teams who display excellence in the game of football, excellence at being horrible at football, and excellence in being complete morons.

They were voted on by an expert team of Pigskin Heaven members, those experts being the ones I randomly selected, and those staff members awesome enough to reply to my topic. You will be acknowledged at the end of the article. And now, let’s get on with it, shall we?

The “Why Won’t You Die” Award
(Inspired by Austin Powers, who coined the phrase in “The Spy Who Shagged Me.”)

Given to the NFL story that we’re sick and tired of hearing about. And the nominees are:

Brett Favre, for “More flip-flopping than a boardwalk shoe store”
Chad OchoCinco, for “Muy stupido”
Anquan Boldin, for “I just want out because it’s too hot!”

And with 91 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

Brett Favre, for “More flip-flopping than a boardwalk shoe store”

The “I Don’t Know What ‘It’ Is, But He’s Got It” Award
(Inspired by Neil Flynn, better known as the Janitor from Scrubs, who coined the phrase in episode 509).

Given to the player who we think would have gotten the NFL MVP award if Peyton Manning were to get swine flu. And the nominees are:

Philip Rivers, for “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people hate me!”
Adrian Peterson, for “Making it cool to wear purple.”
Michael Turner, for “Ladainian who?”
James Harrison, for “Winning Super Bowls one unsportsmanlike conduct penalty at a time!”

And with 55 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

Adrian Peterson, for “Making it cool to wear purple.”

The “No Jack, Come Back…Come Back…No Jack…(cue Celine Dion music)” Award (Inspired by Titanic.)

Given to the individual whom we are most sad to see leaving the league. And the nominees are:

Mike Shanahan, for “Anyone else kinda think he looks like a horse?”
Mike Holmgren, for “As big and huggable as Mark Mangino”
Tony Dungy, for “I’m gonna make Vick as lovable as Peyton.”

And with 82 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

Tony Dungy, for “I’m gonna make Vick as lovable as Peyton.”

The “No Seriously, This Time We Mean It” Award

Given to the team voted most likely to FINALLY make the playoffs. And the nominees are:

Cleveland Browns, for “Lebron’s sending all the good vibes…wait, they lost?! And some kid dunked on him??
Houston Texans, for “Our win total's gonna be as big as Texas.”
Detroit Lions, for “Even one win makes us infinitely better than last year!”
San Francisco 49ers, for “Mike Singletary—No pants! No mercy!!”

And with 55 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

San Francisco 49ers, for “Mike Singletary - No pants! No mercy!!”

The “Yeah You Were Great Last Night, No I’m Not Calling You” Award

Given to one AFC and one NFC team who made the playoffs this past year, most likely to miss the playoffs this year. The NFC nominees are:

New York Giants
Philadelphia Eagles
Minnesota Vikings
Atlanta Falcons
Carolina Panthers
Arizona Cardinals

And with 45 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

The Arizona Cardinals

The AFC nominees are:

Miami Dolphins
Pittsburgh Steelers
Baltimore Ravens
Indianapolis Colts
Tennessee Titans
San Diego Chargers

And with 73 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

The Miami Dolphins



The “So Why Am I Dressed Up Like A Pirate In This Restaurant? It’s All Because I Couldn’t Play Ball Efficiently, Now I’m In Here Every Evening Serving Chowder And Iced Tea” Award (Inspired by those three guys in those hilarious freecreditreport.com commercials...even though they've gone downhill since.)

Given to the player with a huge contract most likely to become a complete bust. And the nominees are:

Matt Ryan, for “Soaring high like a falcon. My paycheck, that is.”
Matthew Stafford, for “My contract could bail out Ford!”
Jake Delhomme, for “For every interception I threw in the playoffs, I got $8.5 million!”

And with 55 percent of the vote, the Prowdy goes to:

Matthew Stafford, for “My contract could bail out Ford!”

As we near the end of the awards, we present the most illustrious award, the Golden Whit. This is the award given to the offensive rookie who is expected to have the biggest impact on their team, or someone's fantasy team, or give fans of the hapless (*cough* Detroit) something to believe in. It is named in honor of who won it last year. At this point you may wonder if last year's win was merited or not.

The Darren McFadden "Golden Whit" Award

The nominees are:

Matthew Stafford, for “Saving Detroit one failed industry at a time!”
Mark Sanchez, for “Out with the old, and we mean REALLY old, in with the new!”
Darrius Heyward-Bey, for “Even I think Al Davis is nuts!”
Michael Crabtree, for “Happy to be a Raider in college, thrilled to NOT be a Raider in the pros.”
Knowshon Moreno, for “Another horse in Denver about to be shot.”

Speaking of Golden Whits, I had the opportunity to attend the Eagles cheerleader tryouts. I highly recommend you attend next year.

And with 55 percent of the vote, the Golden Whit goes to:


Knowshon Moreno, for “Another horse in Denver about to be shot.”


This concludes the second annual Prowdy awards. I would like to thank those members of Pigskin Heaven who answered my survey so quickly and efficiently. Without your input this article doesn’t happen.

This is an original article by Pigskin Heaven Writer, Whit Prowdy, you can read it, more of Whit Prowdy's articles and more from the Pigskin Heaven staff, here.