The Ultimate Bettor's Guide to Super Bowl XLIX

To my fellow members of #TeamDegenerate: I have a confession to make.

For the majority of the past two weeks, I've been waking up in a cold sweat. I've been fidgeting incessantly. I've tossed and turned at night. I just haven't been myself, yo. Not even flying to Arizona this past Sunday to cover Super Bowl XLIX made my symptoms go away.

So as I finished yet another day on Radio Row, it hit me. I realized why I've been feeling so unfulfilled and empty inside.

It's because I haven't had the opportunity to wager on a real, live NFL game since the AFC and NFC Championship Games (and no, the Pro Bowl doesn't count, you sick, twisted individual). It was as if the love of my life up and bounced on me after a torrid four-month affair. 

And once I came to that realization, things changed. I got the pep back in my step. I've been sleeping like a baby. And why? Because Super Bowl XLIX—the Super Bowl, damn it, aka the best sporting event to wager on during the calendar year—is on Sunday. It's like my girl is comin' home, and I can't wait to see her.

The best thing about the Super Bowl is that gambling on the actual game result itself is only part of the fun. There are standard bets such as the point total and game MVP, but we're also able to wager our hard-earned money on things such as the over/under time of the national anthem, whether certain penalties will be called and, my favorite, the coin toss. Because nothing screams #TeamDegenerate like wagering on the flip of a coin.

This is it, peeps. It's the last chance to make back any cheddar you lost during the season or to fill up the proverbial coffers with some more straight cash. Let's make that money!

Here is the Ultimate Bettor's Guide to Super Bowl XLIX. 

(All odds courtesy of Odds Shark)

National Anthem Over/Under Two Minutes One Second (OVER -130, UNDER -110)

David J. Phillip/Associated Press

If you fancy yourself a true member of #TeamDegenerate, a wager on the over/under time of the national anthem is an absolute must. It's the only true way to kick off a night of reckless gambling.

This year's national anthem singer is the lovely Idina Menzel, whom you might remember best as the woman whose name was butchered in 7,561 different ways by John Travolta at last year's Academy Awards. 

Full disclosure, part one: I had no idea who Menzel was before this week. Apparently, she sang the popular song "Let It Go" in the movie Frozen. And before you get on me for not knowing that, remember that I'm a 31-year old single dude who started a Twitter hashtag called #TeamDegenerate.

Full disclosure, part two: I had the opportunity to meet (and when I say meet, I mean she walked by me as I stared at her with a stupid look on my face) Ms. Menzel this week at Radio Row, and yeah, she's very, very attractive.

Anyway, I have no idea how long she's going to sing for, but I'm taking the over because that's what I want to happen.

If you're looking for some actual evidence to support that, there's also this tweet from the Houston Chronicle's David Barron:

"

Idina Menzel singing Super Bowl National Anthem. Over/under 122.5 seconds. She did it in 119 at 2014 MLB All-Star Game. I'd take the over.

"

There's also the fact that Alicia Keys holds the record for longest national anthem performance at the Super Bowl with a rendition that took two minutes and 40 seconds in 2013. Menzel might not break that record, but it's hard to believe her performance will be more than half a minute shorter.

Taking the over is the smart choice. 

The Bet: Over 2:01 (-130)

Coin Toss (HEADS -105, TAILS -105)

Matt Rourke/Associated Press

Over the course of my wagering career, no bet has inspired more incredulity among others than attempting to predict the coin toss at the Super Bowl.

"What? You're wagering on the coin toss? You know it's a 50-50 chance, right? You know there's no advantage to be gained, right? You're betting solely on chance! I can't believe you. It isn't enough that you're betting on the game, the total and a bunch of other crap—you have to bet on the coin toss too? That's it, I'm calling my mother and moving out tomorrow!"

OK, maybe the last part was unique to me, but if you've ever wagered on the coin toss at the Super Bowl, chances are some stick-in-the-mud has attempted to chastise you for it.

On Sunday, own the fact you are a complete and utter degenerate and take pride in betting on the coin toss. Especially because it's the easiest bet of the entire game. 

Why is that, you might ask? Because there's an axiom that dictates the winner.

That axiom is, of course: Tails never fails.

(You know…unless it does.)

The Bet: Tails (-105)

Who Will Score the First Touchdown?

Elise Amendola/Associated Press

Prop bets such as this are always tricky because the overwhelming desire is to try and find a dark-horse candidate with outrageous odds to lay your hard-earned money on.

Listen up, playboy: That ain't how it's done. That's a surefire way to lose your money. Sure, it's within the realm of possibility that Michael Hoomanawanui (+4000) will reach paydirt first, but it's also within the realm of possibility that Kate Upton will be waiting for me on my couch when I get back to New York.

So don't even think about playing long shots such as Tim Wright (+1500), Ricardo Lockette (+1500) or Tony Moeaki (+3000). And don't you dare wager your hard-earned money on there being no touchdowns in the game (+8000)—you might as well just flush that cash down the toilet, homie.

Marshawn Lynch possesses the best odds to score the first touchdown (+400), but I'm going in another direction—the type of direction that will result in a ground-shaking spike that could cause real, actual football deflation.

That pick to score the first touchdown is none other than Rob Gronkowski (+500). He's an absolute monster and you know Tom Brady will target him early and often—especially in the red zone.

Honestly, I'd be cool if you took Lynch. I won't pick him, but I wouldn't be mad at you for doing it. 

But don't even consider taking anyone except Lynch or Gronkowski. Both present the best chances to win, and at the end of the day, that's what it's all about.

The Bet: Rob Gronkowski (+500) 

Which Team Will Be First to Make a Coach's Challenge? (SEA -120, NE -120)

Elaine Thompson/Associated Press

OK, even I have to admit that this one might be towing the line between #TeamDegenerate and a legitimate cry for help.

But damn it, this could end up being the single most fun bet of the night. Have you ever wagered on which team would throw the challenge flag first? Chances are you're an upstanding member of the human race and haven't, and if that is indeed the case, let me try and persuade you to join me on the Dark Side.

Let's say that you wager on the Seahawks to be the first team to throw a challenge flag. This means that you will have action on every single play, as you'll be rooting for some ridiculous series of events to unfold that will enable Pete Carroll to toss the challenge flag with the velocity of a Clayton Kershaw fastball.

Imagine your reaction when Marshawn Lynch fumbles the ball and the Patriots recover—only you were convinced that Lynch's knee was down. As the camera pans to Carroll on the sideline and the announcers discuss whether the flag will come out, your heart will begin to race and the excitement will begin to build.

And what if Tom Brady completes a pass down the sideline to Julian Edelman, but it's unclear if Edelman got both his feet down in bounds? You'll be screaming at the television for Carroll to throw that damn flag, yo.

If you want action, this is the bet for you.

And you best believe that the captain of #TeamDegenerate is all about that action, boss.

I'll take the Seahawks because I think it's more likely the Patriots will be the beneficiaries of a bad or shady call. It just is what it is.

Don't let me down, Pete. 

The Bet: Seahawks (-120)

Doug Baldwin Over/Under Receptions: 4.5 (OVER -110, UNDER -130)

Julio Cortez/Associated Press

Recently, I wrote a column detailing the biggest Super Bowl mismatches, and one of them featured Patriots cornerback Darrelle Revis going up against Seahawks receiver Doug Baldwin.

Baldwin is a nice player, but his Rodney Dangerfield act (whining about no respect) has grown old. Those self-motivational tactics might work against the Carolina Panthers or Green Bay Packers, but that crap ain't gonna fly against Revis and the Patriots.

Revis and the rest of the New England secondary will make sure it's a quiet night for Baldwin.

The Bet: Under 4.5 (-130)

Will There Be a Roughing-the-Passer Penalty? YES: +140, NO -180

Bill Kostroun/Associated Press

Quick! Pop quiz: Which quarterback is most synonymous with receiving roughing-the-passer calls that are likely to have opposing fans screaming dirty, filthy expletives?

Yeah, I thought so.

Every time Tom Brady gets touched, the flag is under threat of being thrown. So if you want to bet "no," go for it, but you'll be quaking in your boots every time Brady gets breathed on.

The Bet: Yes (+140)

Super Bowl XLIX: New England vs. Seattle

DAVID J. PHILLIP/Associated Press

New England vs. Seattle (PK), Over/Under 47.5 points

Yo. This is the deal.

You hate the New England Patriots. You despise them with every fiber of your being. You're sick and tired of watching them win. And it's hard to blame you.

You hate Bill Belichick. You hate his hooded sweatshirts. You hate the way he deals with the media. You hate him because he doesn't give a damn if you like him. You really hate the fact that his team got caught cheating in the Spygate scandal. And most of all, you hate him because he wins.

You hate Tom Brady. You hate his outrageous good looks and curse him for striking gold in the genetic lottery. You hate the fact he's married to a supermodel (Gisele Bundchen) who makes more money than he does (and you do). You hate him because he sometimes rocks the kind of clothes that would get a kid beat up on the playground. And most of all, you hate him because he wins.

If the Patriots win the Super Bowl, Belichick and Brady will go down as the greatest head coach and greatest quarterback in NFL history, respectively. And you would definitely hate them for that.

Because of those facts, you likely find yourself gravitating toward the Seahawks. While they aren't exactly choir boys or the 1980 U.S. men's Olympic hockey team in terms of likability, they're certainly the favorable option to the dastardly Patriots. With all of this said, there has to be a decent chance you're considering playing the Seahawks because you have no desire to root for the Patriots.

If that is indeed the case, I would like for you to do the following: Find the nearest mirror and stare deeply into it. Then, ask yourself this question: "Do I like to make money? Do I like to win? Or would I rather lose money because I let my emotions get the best of me?"

You already know the answer, homie. You know what's more fun than rooting against the Patriots? Winning your wager and making some damn money.

The Patriots have had two weeks to prepare for the Seahawks and the various challenges they present. You think Belichick is going to let Marshawn Lynch beat him? Hell no. And the Patriots secondary is going to present significant problems for Seattle's pass-catchers.

In theory, the Seahawks should have the best chance of stopping Rob Gronkowski out of the 31 teams not from New England. But in reality, Gronkowski is unstoppable and will reach the end zone at least once. That's just how it works.

Plus, the Patriots have Tom Brady. Quite frankly, that's all they need.

Belichick and Brady have lost their last two Super Bowls. If you think it's gonna be three, I have beach property in North Dakota to sell you. They are two legends on the precipice of immortality. Brady will make enough plays in the passing game, LeGarrette Blount will wear down Seattle's front, and the Patriots defense will hold down Russell Wilson and Co.

It's going to be a low-scoring game, and hell, I like the under better than I like the game bet.

But in the end, I'm going to wager my hard-earned money on the men you hate. I recommend you do the same.

And after it's all said and done, you'll have nothing but love in your heart for Belichick and Brady—because you'll have profited off their greatness.

The Bet: Patriots PK, Under 47.5

Final Score: Patriots 24, Seahawks 16

MVP

PETER COSGROVE/Associated Press

OK, so we know that I'm picking the Patriots to win the game, and since I'm not insane enough to predict a repeat of Super Bowl V (in which a member of the losing team—Dallas' Chuck Howley—claimed MVP), I'm gonna have to roll with someone on New England.

There have been a number of weird Super Bowl MVPs, including Seahawks linebacker Malcolm Smith (last year), Buccaneers safety Dexter Jackson (Super Bowl XXXVII) and Cowboys cornerback Larry Brown (Super Bowl XXX), to name just a few. So I couldn't really blame you if you wanted to take a flier on a long shot such as Julian Edelman (+2500), Jermaine Kearse (+5000) or Luke Willson (+8000).

But my general philosophy is to grab the quarterback on the team I think will win. Prior to last season, six of the last seven Super Bowl MVPs were the quarterback of the winning team (Peyton Manning, Eli Manning twice, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers and Joe Flacco).

So even though the odds aren't great, I'm going to play it safe and roll with my man Tom Brady (+135) to claim his third Super Bowl MVP award.

The Bet: Tom Brady (+135)