A Brief History of Michael Owen's Most Terrible Adverts

In the 18 years since Michael Owen landed in the spotlight at Liverpool, his career has gone through several notable stages. There was the World Cup golazo-scoring sprite, the Ballon d'Or-winning Kop-shaker, the Real Madrid Galactico, the oft-injured returning hero, the benchwarmer and now the infuriatingly dull commentator. 

Throughout all of these stages, however, there has been a constant: bad adverts. Granted, the former England hero has been in some good promos—like this detergent one—but most are pretty awful.

The former England star's latest promotional short for a whisky manufacturer leads this comprehensive retrospective through his commercial past. 

Spey Whisky (2015)

"Everytime I step into the ring, the spirit of a warrior courses through me," says Owen at the start of this shill for a whisky brand. The image evokes fond memories of his substitute appearances at Stoke City, but apparently, he was actually referring to his passion for horses.

It's an agonising 30 seconds that might drive you to a distilled beverage. So, mission accomplished. 

Alexanders Prestige (2014)

We've established that Owen is happy to bore us talking about horses, but he'll also wax lyrical in his trademark monotone about horsepower.

After a minute of Owen talking about Range Rovers and Jaguars, it becomes quite clear that he has morphed into Alan Partridge. 

If you make it all the way through this advert, you'll probably want to start taking the bus more often. 

BT Sport (2013)

After he hung up his boots in 2013, Owen joined the BT Sport punditry team, whetting our collective appetites with a sample of his ability to describe a football game in front of him.

Owen has yet to show the excitement and the enthusiasm displayed in this advert on a live broadcast, perhaps suggesting he can only break his monotone when talking about goals he has scored.   

Celcom (2010)

Up until this point, you may never have desired any of the goods and services offered by Malaysian telecommunications supplier Celcom. After Owen's rousing "Time Passes; Things Change" speech, you'll probably be throwing all of your disposable income in their direction. 

The Dubai Helicopter Tour (2009)

Anonymous/Associated Press

"Today is a typical day in Dubai: glorious sunshine with a slight north-easterly wind," says Owen as his eyes dart across the teleprompter (view here). 

On the behalf of an investment company, the former Liverpool starlet then proceeds to take us on a helicopter tour of the United Arab Emirates, neatly utilising his helicopter pilot's licence. (Well, he would be utilising it if this whole 10-minute ad wasn't being shot on a green screen somewhere in the UK, but you get the point.)

Legend has it, only three people have ever watched all the way until the end of this 10-minute clip. 

Domino's Pizza (2006)

Here's one of Owen's more tolerable forays into the advertising arts.

The premise of this pizza commercial is that a man adores football so much that he keeps one of the world's most famous players secretly locked in his cupboard. No one is particularly alarmed by this, and even the captor's friend seems mildly unimpressed.

Now, you've seen the workings of a psychopathic crime: Go and buy some delicious pizza!

Asda (2006)

Stop that man! He's kicking fresh produce! He's head-butting signage! He's going to knock an old lady over running amok like that in a supermarket! 

Oh, it's OK everyone! It's just Michael Owen picking up his curry! As you were. 

See also: Double Michael Owen pizza time! 

Lucozade (2003)

While at Liverpool, the ad executives were smart enough not to give Owen any speaking lines in his promotions. Instead, they had him showering an old man who, judging by the whispering scene at the end, might be his stalker.  

Walkers Crisps (2000)

Around the turn of the millennium, Walkers ran some campaigns in which spokesman Gary Lineker was incredibly jealous of Owen, presumably because he also liked crisps.

In this clip, Lineker watches on with glee as he lures Owen into getting pummelled by a rugby team, in a flagrant abuse of the "Books for Schools" scheme. 

Walkers Crisps (1999)

The rugby beatdown wasn't quite as perilous as this Walkers ad.

In 1999, the crisp peddlers put together a promo in which Gary Lineker attempted to gruesomely murder Owen in public by crushing him with a grand piano, a wrecking ball and a lorry.

Then, at the end, Lineker's crane falls in an accident that almost certainly would have mortally wounded him. 

The most important message here? Crisps are very tasty and can help you avoid assassination attempts. 

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