Mike Tanier's Monday Morning Hangover: Cyber Monday Deals on QBs, Playoff Spots
Happy Cyber Monday, football fans, and thanks for taking time out from your busy online shopping schedule to read Hangover!
Cyber Monday is the ultimate American shopping holiday. It combines the runaway consumerism of Black Friday with the sedentary lifestyle that makes us the world's leading consumers of diet pills and sour cream-flavored potato chips. Nothing gets you in the spirit for ancient holidays of kinship like avoiding your fellow humans at all costs!
Because so much online shopping occurs at work, Cyber Monday simultaneously stimulates the economy and curtails productivity, creating a zero-sum economic game in which we are too busy getting things to make things others might want to get.
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I would climb higher on my high horse, but I want to cut this week's article a little short so I can take advantage of the deals after midnight: My kids want Lego Batman 3, and there is no way I am going to the mall.
Cyber Monday is a great time to take stock of the entire NFL. You get a real sense of the values of so many things: Quarterbacks who might hit the market, coaches on the hot seat and the real playoff possibilities for teams hovering around .500 or (in the NFC South) .333.
So, let's do some bargain hunting!
Quarterbacks for Sale
Brian Hoyer and Johnny Football
Hoyer's job security in Cleveland for most of the year appeared to rest on a) the team's ability to squeak out wins in games in which he completed just 15 passes or threw three interceptions; and b) Johnny Manziel's dedication to making his personal life look as much as possible like a series of Dazed and Confused outtakes.
But there was a tipping point: A second Hoyer interception against the Bills outweighed a week of Manziel Parties Like a Particularly Lame Rock Star headlines, and Manziel made his debut as more than a cameo player at the tail end of the Browns' 26-10 loss to the Bills.
We'll get to Manziel later; you probably already saw all 10 of his significant plays at least 30 times each, so you know it wasn't a unanimous coronation of the boy prince. For now, Mike Pettine is holding off his quarterback decision until Wednesday, and Cleveland's decision to postpone any long-term Hoyer commitments this season is looking wise.
A few weeks ago, Hoyer appeared destined for the kind of long-term contract a bad franchise regrets when a journeyman starter has a hot streak: the Ryan Fitzpatrick Special. As Hoyer cooled (starting after the Steelers win), it appeared more likely the Browns would franchise him next year as Manziel insurance.
If Manziel takes over now—and coaches usually mumble "So-and-so is my starter" when they are not planning to make a change—franchise quarterback-tag money sounds like a lot of cash to throw at someone who has clearly maxed out as a custodian and spot starter.
The Browns may elect to let Hoyer play the market next year. Lots of custodial veterans are scheduled for free agency: Hoyer, Mark Sanchez, Shaun Hill, Colt McCoy, Matt Flynn and Matt Moore, plus the Jake Locker-Christian Ponder class of failed prospects and category-unto-himself Michael Vick. Teams that want a caretaker will be able to get one. If Cleveland loses Hoyer, it can sign someone vaguely similar for less than the franchise-tag price.
It's the kind of move the Browns failed to make in the past, when they would keep turning back to the journeyman until the prospect's growth was stunted. Over the long haul, a smart, sober Hoyer decision will mean much more to the franchise than making or missing the playoffs as a surprise Wild Card this year.
The Redskins Saga, Chapter-Lost Count
You know what the umpteenth plot twist in the Robert Griffin III drama has lacked? A financial apology.
No Redskins quarterback fiasco is complete until Dan Snyder races down from the owner's box with some homemade chicken soup and a giant novelty check that knots up next year's salary cap like last year's Christmas lights. Shhh, everything's going to be OK, Bob. And even though it's Robert's special day, Kirk, we haven't forgotten about you. Here are some Hot Wheels action playsets!
No team commits resource-arson like the Redskins, who burned through two quarterback prospects in under three months and are now starting a journeyman who is an unrestricted free agent next year. With the Donovan McNabb Memorial Never-Again Third String slot on the depth chart at double capacity, Washington has zero quarterbacks on the roster with any real future potential.
(And if you were fooled by McCoy's three-touchdown stat line in a 49-27 loss to the Colts, then you are either a complete diehard or a member of the team's front office. Look around and explore your feelings to find out which. Are you surrounded by Redskins paraphernalia and completely frustrated with Snyder? Actually, that does not help at all.)
It's fashionable to spread the blame among Snyder, Griffin and Mike Shanahan, giving Jay Gruden the pass because he's the new guy and we all got a refreshing chuckle from his rebuttal of Griffin's "it takes 11 men" comments. Still, Gruden should be putting these fires out, not squirting butane all over them. Dropping a lid on Griffin's over-boiled drama could have kept Gruden out of the situation in which McCoy was his only starting option while preventing Griffin's future trade value from dropping to junk-bond status.
And why is McCoy Gruden's only option? Did Kirk Cousins drive Gruden's car over a bridge? If the Redskins draft Jameis Winston next season (hope, hope, hope, hope, hope), Cousins is the best custodial quarterback to keep around, not McCoy. Cousins is younger (26 to 28), more gifted and already under contract.
Four more evaluative starts for Cousins (whose trade value is also jammed in the garbage disposal) makes more sense than four more games of punishment for not being the savior to the savior that the District of Columbia hoped he would become.
Here's a best-case scenario for Washington: Jerry Jones' infatuation with Griffin (He's like Tony Romo and Johnny Manziel combined!) and willingness to trade first-round picks for underperforming talent (Joey Galloway, Roy Williams) result in just enough compensation to get the Redskins out from beneath their underwater mortgage.
Jones will only do this if he thinks the press will hail him as a genius for the move. So making this happen is at least partially on me. DO IT, JERRY. MAKE RG3 YOUR QUARTERBACK OF THE FUTURE. JIMMY JOHNSON AND BILL PARCELLS WOULD HAVE PULLED THE TRIGGER, SO DON'T BE A COWARD.
Griffin's 2015 trade value may be further dampened by Cutler's likely presence on the open market. Assuming the Bears seek the freshest possible start next year, Cutler will be priced to move by a team seeking both a new personality and cap relief.
Cutler might only cost a potential suitor a second-round pick, some conditional change and some trade-and-sign debt consolidation. With the devil the NFL knows available relatively cheap, the devil the NFL hasn't figured out yet (Griffin) is not going to fetch a premium.
Cutler would be flypaper for the Jets and Titans, though I can hold out hope for a Cutler-for-Griffin-and-Cousins challenge trade.
St. Louis beat Oakland 52-0 with the help of another efficient Shaun Hill game: 13-of-22 for 183 yards and two touchdowns, albeit in scrimmage-the-color-guard circumstances. Hill is no long-term solution, but the Rams have spent two seasons waiting in a holding pattern for a quarterback who doesn't do much to elevate them when healthy.
Bradford enters the final season of a gut-buster contract next season; trading him would require some contractual voodoo, but the Rams could release him and swallow a medium-sized dead-money pill (about $3.5 million, says Over the Cap).
The team will only part with Bradford reluctantly; the Rams appear content to hover below .500 and notch a few upsets per year until the moving vans arrive. But with so many youngsters developing, waiting another year for Bradford may just be wasting another year on Bradford.
Imagine St. Louis drafting a quarterback in the first round and using Hill or Austin Davis as the stopgap. That doesn't look much different than the current Rams, does it? The only difference is that they are not spending eight figures on a player who will probably never provide a return on that investment.
Playoff Spots for Sale
Returns to the Pack
Shoppers for home playoff tickets in cities from Denver to Philadelphia are celebrating on Cyber Monday: The Patriots lost to the Packers 26-21, and the Cardinals lost to the Falcons 29-18, refreshing the playoff-seeding races in both conferences.
The two losses were very different. The Packers got brilliant Aaron Rodgers play and just enough timely defense (Ha Ha Clinton-Dix breaking up a Rob Gronkowski touchdown catch was not something you expected to see after Week 1) to hold off the Patriots on an icy afternoon in Wisconsin.
It was a simple case of two great teams playing a close game, and it does not have many deep playoff implications for the Patriots, who still hold a tiebreaker over the Broncos. The Packers jockeyed into better position in the NFC, but most of us were expecting a late run anyway.
The Arizona loss was a clear case of a team in freefall. Without Larry Fitzgerald, the Cardinals cannot move the football at all. Fitzgerald may return next week, but the team still lacks even the wisp of a running game, and Bruce Arians is running out of magic beans to feed Drew Stanton.
The Seahawks are finding themselves, and there is sense that the NFC West is going to snap into a more familiar shape as Arizona faces a December gauntlet of Chiefs, at Rams, Seahawks, at Niners. After watching the 49ers on Thursday and the Chiefs on Sunday night, the Cardinals' best hope may be that other teams are fading faster than they are.
The AFC North
Cyber Monday brought a market correction to the AFC North, where lack of competition created serious record inflation. You may not want to buy into the playoff worthiness of the Ravens, Steelers and Browns, but you now have a better sense of their real value.
The Chargers won a must-win game with the help of a little shaky officiating, a cameo from a fifth-string center and another Houdini-caliber quarterback performance from Philip Rivers.
Rivers continues to throw passes that look like they are powered by a remote-control helicopter motor and can accelerate, slow down, climb or dive to elude the hands of defenders. Rivers' 383 passing yards, most of them accumulated while a half-dozen hands groped at his jersey, led the Chargers to a 34-33 victory that restored order to the AFC playoff picture.
The Chargers are one of several AFC teams as good as or better than the AFC North teams that have fattened up on easy schedules. But the Chargers face the Patriots, Broncos, 49ers and Chiefs in the weeks to come. For now, they have an 8-4 record and head-to-head wild-card tiebreakers against the Ravens and Bills.
The Bills also restored AFC order with their victory over the Browns. It is hard to picture Buffalo as a wild-card contender (as if picturing the Browns in the playoffs is easy), but its front four will make a believer out of you. Doug Marrone may have saved his job in the last two weeks, and it would be interesting to see what he could do with a quality quarterback who has the athleticism for his preferred uptempo system. Paging Robert Griffin or Jay Cutler!
The Saints rode a Ben Roethlisberger hand injury and some poor play by the Steelers secondary to a 35-32 victory which was not nearly that close. It was an important win for the Bengals (who backed into the kind of 14-13 win against the Buccaneers that has inflated AFC North records all year) as well as all of the aforementioned Wild Cards.
Like all of their division foes, the Steelers have deep flaws that better opponents can exploit. They have just faced a shortage of "better opponents." It was also an important win for the Saints, but writing about the NFC South is depressing.
The North will still probably produce one Wild Card, maybe two. But Sunday may have taken us out of the territory where a last-place team will finish 10-6. That's appropriate, because these teams are not that good.
The 49ers
Thanksgiving could not have gone worse for the 49ers. Not only did their offense collapse into a series of three-yard passes in a 19-3 loss, but the Lions and Eagles won, resetting the NFC wild-card minimum bar at a likely 10 wins. The Packers' win on Sunday further separates the NFC leaders from the chase.
The 49ers are seeking the magic prune juice and bran cereal diet that will uncork their offense. We can round up a long list of blockages—Colin Kaepernick, Jim Harbaugh, Greg Roman (the team's offensive philosophy still seems to change radically from series to series), Vernon Davis—but a pair of guys named Martin are a big part of the problem.
Jonathan Martin, that holdover from a simpler time when obnoxious text messages were the biggest scandal the NFL had to cope with, has been playing in place of Anthony Davis at right tackle, and rarely well. Marcus Martin, whose 21st birthday was Saturday, has been starting at center for much of the season. Martin's youth makes him an excellent long-range prospect, but he is not ready to start for a Super Bowl contender. On top of some missed blocks, he sometimes surprises Kaepernick with a wild snap.
San Francisco is young at several positions and made many bold transactions in the last two years. Balance Jonathan Martin with players like Anquan Boldin and Steve Johnson, or Marcus Martin with rookies like Chris Borland and Aaron Lynch, and general manager Trent Baalke has done a fine job acquiring talent on the cheap.
It may not be the right collection of talent, however; too many veteran receivers, not enough reliable subs on the line. The imbalance might not have hurt the 49ers in many divisions, but it's killing them in the NFC West.
The Cowboys
Dallas will still make the playoffs. Bears and Redskins victories should get the team to 10 wins, a split with the Eagles and Colts to 11 and either reclamation of the NFC East or a safe wild-card slot. But if the Thanksgiving drubbing at the hands of the Eagles did not fill you with pessimism, Jerry Jones' signature postgame speechifying did.
"We really stunk it up all the way around," he said on his weekly talk-radio fireside chat. "There's a lot of specific reasons for having that bad day. We didn't execute. We may not have played with the passion you would expect in a game like that. Don't ask me why. And I guess if you can't ask me, who can you ask?"
THE COACH, JERRY. WE CAN ASK THE COACH FOR 31 OTHER TEAMS. THE COACH IS THE PERSON WHO EXPLAINS WHAT WENT WRONG. HIS NAME IS JASON GARRETT. HE'S THE RED-HEADED GUY WHO SITS IN THE BACK OF MEETINGS AND NODS. YOU SHOULD TRY TO DELEGATE A LITTLE BIT OF AUTHORITY TO HIM ONCE IN A WHILE.
If you don't wish to ask Jones or that Garrett fellow what went wrong, you can ask me. The Cowboys' "new improved" defense has maxed out. Threaten it with no-huddle tactics and the kind of misdirection Chip Kelly loves, and individual defenders will get option-faked and pump-faked out of position.
There's not enough pure talent on that side of the ball to win individual matchups and take a good offense out of its game plan. Offensively, Dallas has become over-reliant on 120 DeMarco Murray rushing yards per game and did not appear to have a plan when it fell behind early, perhaps because Jones did not create one and is not sure who else would.
The Cowboys have now lost three straight games in Jerryworld, negating the significance of one of the team's sleeve aces (the victory over the Seahawks that could tilt home-field advantage Dallas' way). The team's search for easy playoff draws is narrowing: The Cardinals and Eagles beat them, while the Packers are in a higher weight class. Maybe Dallas can host the Lions or the 49ers.
At any rate, we have come a long way in the six weeks since we were hailing Jones for assembling an outstanding offensive line. The Cowboys' offensive line really is outstanding, but it takes more than that to survive a full season as a legit contender.
Coach Shopping
Tom Coughlin
Sunday's 25-24 loss to the Jaguars was the final Coughlin-era death rattle, so Giants fans who have called for Coughlin's head for eight years (not counting three-week vacations to celebrate Super Bowls) will soon get their wish.
But Cyber Monday is about shopping, and Coughlin will not be hopping on the coaching carousel. He will be heading for a well-deserved retirement, which for him will probably mean an athletic director's position at a small Catholic college or something.
None of Coughlin's assistants will be in great demand; after much ado, Ben McAdoo provided a handful of offensive highlights and zero consistency, so he will probably be reabsorbed into the Packers' hivemind. And Eli Manning will be the starting quarterback until the sun burns out. Sorry, Giants fans.
Dave Gettleman and Ron Rivera
The Panthers barely qualify as an NFL team after Sunday's 31-13 loss to the Vikings. Two blocked-punt touchdowns revealed a dry-rotted roster and a coaching staff that has run out of ways to spackle the most obvious cracks.
Rivera will almost certainly take the fall for this season. He will have no problem getting a defensive coordinator gig next year, and he should get a second head coaching job down the line: He was dealt a no-win hand this year.
His cutting-edge fourth-down strategies should earn him consideration for a specialized strategic role on a deep, creative coaching staff, like Coordinator of Keepin' it Real When the Rubber Meets the Road, Baby. John Fox could use a guy like that.
Gettleman gets a lot of benefit of the doubt because a) he inherited an ugly cap situation at the start of 2013 and b) Jerry Richardson has his fingers in some of the more penny-wise, dollar-foolish decisions. After two offseasons, though, the tight-budget excuse no longer holds up. Sorry, but we were low on cap space, so we can no longer punt properly. The Panthers may need a smarter shopper, not just a thriftier one.
Marc Trestman
Let's lock this one in now: Trestman, quarterbacks coach, Cleveland Browns. Wouldn't it be great if he were the Manziel whisperer next year?
Trestman could succeed as the offensive coordinator for a firebrand defensive coach, but if his true calling is not to teach deep philosophy to tipsy young megatalents (as Andy Reid once mumbled to Brett Favre), then he may be destined to be the official voice of the NFL for National Public Radio.
Ryan's Jets do not play until Monday night, but with his job insecurity becoming increasingly vindictive and nasty (no, you cannot talk about your ailing father, Coach), let's look ahead to the good times when Rex will once again entertain us as the NFL's Quipmaster General.
Ryan seems like a booth natural, but that could easily backfire. Television networks would encourage him to be as goofy as possible, which could turn him into a second Tony Siragusa, which no one needs. Ryan would make an excellent coordinator, though while his ego could take it, his head coach's ego might not.
Ryan would be a natural fit in Arizona if Todd Bowles leaves: He'd have the weapons to succeed, and Bruce Arians would not mind a little bluster. Mike Pettine would hire his former boss in Cleveland, but that would be just like having two Pettines, or two Ryans, on one staff. Ryan could really help an offensive mastermind who is having trouble putting his stamp on a roster, someone who needs both a strategist and a tone-setter to galvanize the identity of a struggling team.
Jay Gruden!
Look, you have your shopping list and I have mine. We all want outstanding football down the stretch, but my Santa wish list for the future is a stocking full of NFL narrative insanity!
Participation Trophies
Not everybody earns one, but everybody gets one!
Ref…er, Madness Trophy
(Awarded to the officiating crew that must have been smoking something.)
Chargers receiver Malcom Floyd and Ravens defensive back Anthony Levine turned around for a jump ball in the corner of the end zone. Floyd grabbed Levine and began manipulating him like it was a chiropractor's visit. Levine started shoving back in an attempt to do his job. It was a critical moment in the game: 46 seconds left, Chargers out of timeouts, trailing by six.
Offensive pass interference? Offsetting penalties? A swallow-the-whistles, let-'em-play situation? If your answer is d) a winning lottery ticket of a defensive pass interference penalty, then you know how the Chargers' 34-33 victory over the Ravens ended.
Remember how the NFL said that offensive pass interference was going to be a point of emphasis this summer? The NFL said a lot of things this summer.
Fantasy Leech Trophy
(Awarded to the fullback, tight end, fourth receiver or moonlighting linebacker who scored so your fantasy first-round pick could not.)
Donte Moncrief is just one of the dozens of exciting rookie receivers who entered the NFL this year. He was a mere 6'2", 220 pounds with the speed of a frightened gazelle, so of course he slipped into the third round.
Moncrief has been limited to blowout duty for most of the season—Colts players get a lot of blowout duty, one way or another—so his three-catch, 134-yard, two-touchdown performance against the Redskins was a shocker, particularly since one of the touchdowns came when the game was close. Moncrief had fantasy gamers across the country shouting, "That's not T.Y. Hilton!" at their televisions.
Note: Saints fullback Erik Lorig no longer counts as a fantasy leech. Sean Payton is going to keep feeding him flat passes at the goal line. And Payton is going to keep limiting Jimmy Graham's red-zone role, because he is Sean Payton and he knows best. Get used to it, and all hail the 5-7, tied-for-first-place Saints!
True Grit Trophy
(Awarded for toughness above and beyond the call of duty.)
The Packers held off the Patriots for a 26-21 final, but LeGarrette Blount pounded out 58 tough yards, including 26 on two carries during a New England fourth-quarter drive where Green Bay appeared incapable of tackling Blount in groups of fewer than four.
This is just your weekly reminder that 31 teams could have claimed Blount off waivers. The playoff-fading Cardinals rushed for 35 yards this week. Reality is setting in on the pair of rookies the Browns have entrusted their running game to. Yet only the Patriots felt comfortable taking a risk on a sometime-malcontent who can also break two or three tackles per play.
Salvador Dali Melting Clock Trophy
(Awarded for the strangest clock management of the week.)
Tampa Bay drove to the Bengals' 31-yard line and enjoyed 1st-and-5 as a result of a Cincinnati encroachment penalty. A field goal would win the game. But these are Lovie Smith's Buccaneers, so a handoff, a spike and a 47-or-so-yard attempt would just not do.
A holding penalty moved Tampa Bay back to the 41-yard line. After an incomplete pass, Josh McCown hit Louis Murphy for a sweet 21-yard pass over the middle. As the Buccaneers rushed up to spike the football, Marvin Lewis threw a challenge flag, even though there was nothing challengeable on the play.
The referees charged Lewis with a timeout, but during the breather, the replay booth noticed what Lewis was so upset about: The Buccaneers not only had 12 men on the field, but 12 men in the offensive formation! (A large percentage of 12-man penalties come because some player was slow to leave the field during substitutions; Tampa Bay ran a whole play with an extra dude.)
The belatedly charged penalty moved the Buccaneers back to the 46-yard line, and the shock was just too much for their poor offense. Two incomplete passes and a ridiculous 13-yard pass on 4th-and-20 later, the Bengals had a 14-13 win.
Judging by Twitter, both Tampa Bay fans and some rulebook fundamentalists were outraged that Lewis managed to "game" a review. Because, you know, nothing is sweeter than a win by technicality and gross officiating oversight.
Lineman Oniel Cousins had reported as a tackle eligible on the Murphy pass, so officials should have been extra attentive to the possibility of a formation error. So should have been Smith's staff, for that matter. Lewis had timeouts to burn, and the only consequence of throwing a challenge flag inappropriately is a lost timeout (if you have one; otherwise, it's a problem).
Using the flag as an excuse to get in the official's ear is not cheating. Playing American football with 12 players is cheating. Exploiting a loophole in the rules to get a call corrected is crafty coaching.
The absurd end-of-game sequence erased memories of an absurd end-of-half sequence where Josh McCown and Andy Dalton traded interceptions within 26 seconds of game time as each team flailed helplessly to get a two-minute drill going. The moral of the story is that when the Bengals' lack of composure meets the Buccaneers' inability to accomplish football basics, you never know what will happen.
Meaningless Fantasy Touchdown Trophy
(Awarded for the most unnecessary, yet fantasy-relevant, touchdown of the week.)
Tre Mason's eight-yard touchdown run to give the Rams a 45-0 lead in their eventual 52-0 win over the Raiders was a little excessive. I don't think Oakland was even in the stadium at that point. The Rams executed just 49 offensive plays to score 52 points, so they cannot be accused of running up the score—at some point, even the worst defense must hold you below one point per play.
J.J. Watt no longer counts as a "mystery" player touching the ball, and his touchdown catch to give the Texans a 45-14 lead does not count as a meaningless fantasy touchdown because: a) we have not quite reached the point yet where Watt counts as an offensive player; and b) everything Watt does, no matter how much it superficially looks like running up the score or showing up the opponent, is considered good sportsmanship because Watt did it.
Snap Fail Trophy
(Awarded to the center who dooms a play before it starts.)
This week, we give a Snap Success Trophy to Trevor Robinson, the former Bengals center signed by the Chargers because all of their other centers spontaneously combusted or died in bizarre gardening accidents.
After rookie Chris Watt went the way of all San Diego centers, Robinson squared off against Haloti Ngata and a Ravens defense that wanted to compensate for its thin secondary by blitzing Philip Rivers right up the middle. Robinson fared better than anyone could expect for a fifth-stringer, giving Rivers enough time to perform a variety of fourth-quarter magic tricks.
Robinson is doomed to fall down a bottomless pit or get attacked by alligators in his own bathtub now that he is the Chargers center, so let's tip our hat to him while we can.
Kenny Rogers Trophy
(Awarded to the coach who does not know when to hold 'em or when to fold 'em.)
Things have been going so well for the Redskins offense that it was only natural for Jay Gruden to go for it on 4th-and-1 from their own 41-yard line when trailing 28-17. And with Colt McCoy as his quarterback, what else would Gruden call but a slow-developing play-action pass that allows free rushers plenty of time to get to the once-and-future third-stringer?
Erik Walden strip-sacked McCoy, and D'Qwell Jackson returned the fumble for a touchdown that put the Redskins away for good (though the game lingered for another seven hours or so in the fine Colts tradition, like one of those college football games where no one has the heart to tell the bands to shush).
Kidding aside, Gruden made the right call by going for it. But sometimes you have to trust your running backs. Like when your quarterbacks are so filled with shame and regret that they cannot make eye contact with anyone on the sidelines.
Burn This Game Plan Trophy
(Awarded to the most over-engineered play or sequence of the week.)
Ben Roethlisberger slapped his throwing hand against the helmet of defender Curtis Lofton late in the first quarter of the Steelers' 35-32 loss to the Saints. Roethlisberger cringed and withered his clenched fist into his body like an arthritic Tyrannosaurus. The hand clearly hurt, so it was safe to assume that Big Ben's ability to throw downfield, at least for a few plays, would be hampered.
And so began a game of cat and mouse between Steelers offensive coordinator Todd Haley and Saints defensive coordinator Rob Ryan, which is like a game between the cat who has overdosed on catnip and the mouse who just escaped the clinical LSD trials.
Haley called handoff after handoff to Le'Veon Bell: five of them in a row, including one on 3rd-and-5. Ryan and the Saints defense failed to notice (or acknowledge) that Roethlisberger could not throw the football and allowed Bell to rack up 28 yards.
Roethlisberger eventually squirted a few short passes, which would have kept New Orleans honest if the Saints weren't already playing the pass like choir directors. One wobbly pass was nearly intercepted, and the Steelers settled for a field goal.
Both sides could have earned Burn This Game Plan for that series, but the Steelers won the prize by keeping Roethlisberger in the game despite the fact that his downfield passes looked like they were flicked from a spoon.
Roethlisberger was 8-of-22 at half and threw two interceptions before the Saints built a comfortable lead and gave him some prevent defenses to lob changeups into. Bruce Gradkowski was put on this earth for a reason: To scramble around and cause chaos against beatable opponents for a few quarters so Roethlisberger does not take any unnecessary risks.
Last Call
One final look at the sights of Sunday.
Manziel Mayhem
Johnny Manziel entered the Browns-Bills game, and a regular at my local satellite tavern, a guy who watches hundreds of hours of football per year and is loyal only to the Eagles and whichever team he has action on, pulled out his cell phone and took a picture of the television screen.
CBS got a little giddy when Manziel arrived. It spooled a collegiate highlight montage after his first few uneventful passes. It replayed his relatively ordinary scrambling touchdown from angles Alfred Hitchcock never thought of. I would complain, but after watching a grown man take a photo of a television because Manziel happened to be on the screen, I concede that CBS knew what it was doing.
Even for hardened fans, Manziel embodies a kind of playground hope that the NFL will be a little looser and more fun with him on the field. I am skeptical that he will be much more than the latest distraction if thrown into the lineup this year—he looked spectacularly unready when I visited Browns camp, and the team does not appear to be going in the right direction to support him right now—but I admit to being as curious about what happens next as any other fan.
And watching Bills fans make the money-fingers gesture after a Manziel fumble is almost as much fun as watching Manziel score a touchdown.
Tom Brady Cursing and Getting Curbed
Clad in a striped winter Patriots cap, Brady barked a slew of obvious obscenities after Randall Cobb caught the third-down pass that allowed the Packers to run out the clock. Remember how Ralphie unloaded a string of cuss-words while beating up the bully in A Christmas Story? It was like that, except Brady was the one who got beat.
"Tom Brady on a leash is my favorite NFL picture this season pic.twitter.com/am0dMmz1fb
— The Cauldron (@TheCauldron) November 30, 2014"
Brady was also seen warming up on the sideline with a trainer using a resistance band, a leash-like bungee with a variety of stretching/biomechanical applications. You see them all the time in training camps, but they are not that common on the sideline, and when CBS cut to Brady, he appeared to be getting walked like a beagle.
A Charlie Brown Christmas joke would be obvious here, but as soon as we start tying up Brady, a squicky Fifty Shades of Brady image starts to emerge, which means it is time to change the subject.
The Many Moods of Joe Flacco
On a day when Manziel made headlines with 76 mop-up yards, Philip Rivers played like he had telekinesis, and Brady-Rodgers descended into bondage fantasy territory, the taciturn Flacco provided many of Week 13's most memorable images:
The Baffled Flacco: The Ravens lined up to go for it on 4th-and-1 at the 10-yard line. There was some sort of miscommunication, so Flacco turned to the sidelines and waved, shrugged and gave the sideways-head look my dog makes when I play the harmonica. This went on until the Ravens were charged with delay-of-game.
The Observant Flacco: Flacco rolled to his right in the red zone in the second quarter but could find no open receiver. "Rolling" in any direction is more of a process than an act for Flacco, and CBS cameras provided a closeup of Flacco's face as his eyes darted from receiver to receiver to receiver, back and forth and back again, until he reached the sideline like a swimmer who just crossed the English Channel and heaved a hopeless pass to Crockett Gillmore. After so much waiting and watching, it's safe to assume no one was open.
The Smiling Flacco: Flacco again found no one open at the start of a fourth-quarter rollout, but Jacoby Jones slipped away from a defender late in the play, and Flacco reached back for one of his air-cannon fastballs. The throw was so hard that it propelled Jones upfield away from his defender for a 31-yard gain. Another Flacco-cam facial closeup showed a sly grin cross the quarterback's face as he put some mustard on his heater. Throwing hard is fun. If only the Ravens had scored touchdowns instead of field goals on those other two drives, Flacco might have had something else to (briefly) smile about.
Eric Berry Shirts
The message is simple: "Be Bold, Be Brave, Be Berry." The design is handsome and elegant. Chiefs players wore the shirts in support of safety Eric Berry, who will receive a diagnosis this week but is feared to have lymphoma.
The shirts will go on sale soon if Berry's diagnosis is confirmed, with proceeds to support cancer research. Be bold and brave. Buy one as soon as you can. It is, after all, Cyber Monday.
Mike Tanier covers the NFL for Bleacher Report.
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.jpg?w=600 "Post-June 1 Trade Candidates ☎️")
.JPG?w=600 "TO Talks Cowboys Relationship")
.jpg?w=600 "Taylor Heinicke Retiring")
.jpg?w=600 "49ers OC Hypes Mike Evans 🤩")