FIFA's Film Flop and the Worst Football Movies

FIFA recently reinvested £16 million of the enormous profits they make from staging the World Cup in United Passions, a filmic retelling of the story of football's governing body. 

Despite featuring a cast including Tim Roth and Gerard Depardieu, the trailer appeared to showcase a cynical vanity project, constructed to combat the organisation's poor reputation. 

As expected, it was a disaster at the box office, with the Associated Press (h/t ESPN.com) reporting dismal returns of between £90,000-120,000. 

In honour of the lack of united passions surrounding United Passions, here are 10 of the worst football films ever made... 

The Game of Their Lives (2005)

The Game of Their Lives retells the story of the unfancied 1950 United States World Cup team, who claimed a famous victory over England in Belo Horizonte. 

Written and directed by the man behind Hoosiers—and featuring Patrick Stewart and Gerard Butler among the cast—one may have expected this to be an interesting watch. But it was not. 

Green Street (2005)

Green Street tells the story Matt Buckner (Elijah Wood), a young American who becomes engrossed in the world of football hooliganism. 

It consists entirely of unrealistic interactions between football fans, wonky accents (Charlie Hunnam's east London brogue is awful) and some acting that won't trouble the Academy. 

Hotshot (1987)

Pele is one of the greatest football talents the world has ever known, but anyone who has seen Escape To Victory will know that he is no thespian.

Six years after chewing the scenery on Victory, the Brazilian starred in Hotshot. Playing a disillusioned former pro named Santos, Pele coached a young American player into the "big time" with the New York Rockers.

It. Was. Rubbish.   

She's the Man (2006)

She's The Man stars a pre-breakdown Amanda Bynes as a young girl who goes to college dressed as her twin brother to indulge her passion for soccer.

Vinnie Jones plays her coach, Channing Tatum is a team member and there are plenty of scenes in the locker room where Bynes' character avoids revealing that she is massively violating her teammates' trust—with hilarious results. 

Rise of the Footsoldier (2007)

Rise of the Footsoldier, which details the rise of one man through the notorious ICF ("Inner City Firm"), is a far better representation of hooliganism than Green Street. However, it does very little apart from glamourise the gangster lifestyle and at times strays quite far from the football path. 

Mean Machine (2001)

It's difficult to believe that a film with Danny Dyer and Jason Statham in it could be unsatisfying, but Mean Machine isn't a classic.

In this remake of the American football-themed The Longest Yard, Vinnie Jones stars as a former England captain who is imprisoned and then forced to play on a prison team for some reason.

Some amusing commentary and crunching tackles in the game can't make up for the utter lack of plot. 

Kicking and Screaming (2005)

In Kicking and Screaming, Will Ferrell essentially plays an American version of the Fast Show's competitive dad, coaching his son's team so that he may live vicariously through them. 

Quite how Ferrell thought it was a good idea to follow his masterful turn in Anchorman with this cliched nonsense is anyone's guess. 

The Goal! Trilogy (2005-09)

Much like United Passions, the Goal! trilogy was endorsed by FIFA. Clearly, football's governing body can't get enough of backing bad cinema. 

In the first movie (Goal: The Dream Begins), we meet a young unknown Mexican goalscorer who defies expectation—and work permit regulations—to take Newcastle United into the Champions League.

The second movie (Goal II: Living the Dream) features David Beckham in what is essentially a spooky foreshadowing of Chicharito's move to Real Madrid.

And in the straight-to-DVD third instalment (Goal III: Taking on the World) we stopped paying enough attention to know what was going on. 

Air Bud: World Pup (2001)

The Air Bud franchise has covered basketball, baseball (Air Bud: Seventh Innings Fetch), American football (Air Pup: Golden Receiver) and volleyball (Air Bud: Spikes Back).

It all revolves around the same concept: A dog is quite good at sports and is inexplicably allowed to play on proper teams with humans. 

Air Bud: World Pup sees the loveable mutt take on the beautiful game. Congratulations if you make it all the way through the trailer. 

Golden Goal! (2008)

In 1998, Frank Lebeouf won the World Cup. Ten years later, the Frenchman was starring in Golden Goal!, an Indonesian film in which former Chelsea players feature in the same professional side as women and small children.

For no clear reason, a great deal of humour is derived from savage violence committed by a team we are supposed to sympathise for. 

This isn't just the worst football film, it might be the worst film of any kind. 

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