Inside The Mind With Dr Hayley: Mick Foley

For a while now, I have been watching wrestling and wondering what the hell is going on within the minds of half of these people.

After doing much research on the matter, I decided to take action in to my own hands. So what did I do?

I went on the Internet, typed in a few words and boom! I recieved my psychology degree from the online school of Stevie Richards!

A few hours later, I opened up a clinic for wrestlers, and first through my door? None other than Mick Foley!

Faced with the unenviable task of attempting to decipher the madness that is the Hardcore legend, I cracked on with my work.

This was the result and I warn you now, this wasn't pretty!

Dr. Hayley: Hello Mick. How would you like me to help you today?

Mick Foley: Yeah, it seems that over the past couple weeks, someone has been controlling my mind. Everytime I go to work, I get the urge to constantly tweak. I was in the shop and I wanted to tweak. I was in bed and I wanted to tweak. I tell you, my wife wasn't happy about that!

Dr. Hayley: I see.

Mick Foley: And then, suddenly, I'm walking down the street and something in my mind compelled me to tell everyone in the world about my 25 big ones. Have you seen my 25 big ones? 25 stitcheroonies, right there. (points to eye)

Dr. Hayley: Yes, I can see th-

Mick Foley: Well just making sure. Not many people seem to notice my 25 stitches. 25 big ones above my eye. Sure you've seen them? I wasn't sure I mentioned them.

Dr. Hayley: Yes you did.

Mick Foley: Are you sure?

Dr. Hayley: Is this all you want to talk about?!

Mick Foley: Sorry! Just wanted to be positive that you knew about my 25 big ones.

Dr. Hayley: OK. So let me get this straight. You think that something, or someone, is controlling your thoughts and actions?

Mick Foley: How did you know? Are you spying on me?

Dr. Hayley: No, it's just that these seem to be classic symptoms of SJS.

Mick Foley: Has it got anything to do with 25 big-

Dr. Hayley: NO! SJS is also known as 'Samoa Joe Syndrome'. It's where a person gets inside your head and makes you become an uncontrollable idiot, all on their advice.

Mick Foley: I know a guy called Samoa Joe! Not nice. He insulted me after I made him my special drink. I decided that instead of alcohol, I was gonna tweak it. Bish bash bosh! Five minutes later, I find out that he doesn't like cheesy Pina Coladas with a barbed wire bat umbrella.

Dr. Hayley: Yes, that's all very good, but now we have to find out who your adviser is. We need to find out who is controlling your feeble little mind. To do that, I'm going to have to sedate you with hypnotism. In this state, I can then explore your mind. Is that OK?

Mick Foley: OK. Fine by me.

(At this point, I pulled out a watch and it in front of his eyes, playing the sound of his awful promos to make him fall into an almost sleep-like state)

Dr. Hayley: Right then. When I click my fingers, anyone inside the mind of Mick Foley will make themselves known to me, informing me of how they got there and what their purpose is.

(Next, I then clicked my fingers. All of a sudden, Foley began to stir and shake before mumbling incoherently in a high-pitched voice)

Unkown voice: Oh my god! This is so awesome! Kurt Angle is never gonna believe this when I tell him!

Dr. Hayley: Erm, excuse me, but who is this?

Unknown voice: This is the host with the most from coast to coast, JB, Jeremy Borash. Have you seen my phone. I have to twitter this RIGHT NOW!

Dr. Hayley: What are you doing inside the mind of Mick Foley?

JB: Well you see, when me and Foley started up the now world famous 'Tweak and Tweet Connection,' we made a deal that we would work together forever. In order for me to do that, I harnessed the power of Twitter to infiltrate the mind of Mick Foley.

Dr. Hayley: How exactly did you do that?

JB: It's easy with Twitter. All you do is enter Twitter, then you make a username and a password and-

Dr. Hayley: No, I mean how did you enter his mind?

JB: Oh that! When we became partners in crime, I was able to use my incredible skills of confusion to take control of half his mind. It's so much roomier than my mind. That's filled up with Twitter, Twittering, Tweets and Twitter.

Dr. Hayley: OK? So why did you only take control of a small portion of his mind.

JB: Because the other half is already taken. Excuse me for a minute, I've got to tweet again.

(All I can hear now is the clicking of keys as he tweets yet again. Overhearing his quiet mumbling, it was something along the lines of 'Backstage passes hidden in Mick's ear! First one to retrieve gets to wash the referee's t-shirts!')

Dr. Hayley: That's all well and good, but do you know who currently occupies the other half of Mick Foley's mind?

Unknown voice: I DO!!

Dr. Hayley: Who the hell is this?!

Unknown voice: Goddamn it! It's Jeff Jarrett! Who the blue hell d'ya think it was, Bashir?! I mean, Jesus! You hear me every damn Impact!

Dr. Hayley: Sorry, didn't recognise you. Too busy trying to avoid the guitars that had inexplicably started falling from the sky. Where do you get them all from anyway? Is there some kind of warehouse that makes them?

JJ: Don't know, don't care. All I know is that the King Of The Mountain needs some more. Don West has to be shut up somehow! I'm sick of his annoying voice! Why does he still have a job anyway? I don't even like the guy!

Dr. Hayley: Ok, getting back onto the subject. How did you get into Mick's mind?

JJ: Easy. When he signed his TNA contract, he signed away his soul. I now own Mick Foley and I'm in charge of what he does because I am the founder of TNA and there is nothing you can do about it!

(Out of nowhere, JB's voice suddenly reappeared)

JB: Jarrett please! Im trying to Twitter and I can't concentrate with you moaning all the time! Sheesh!

JJ: That stupid Twitter will be the death of me! If you don't stop that now, I will shove that phone where the sun don't shine, then hack your account! Do you hear me?!

JB: OMG! I'm gonna tweet that to everyone! 'Jeff Jarrett hates Twitter!' No one will believe me! I mean, everyone loves Twitter!

(For a moment, it went silent, until a very loud scream and a guitar shot could be heard)

JJ: Right! That's JB outta the way! I don't think he'll be tweeting for a long time!

Dr. Hayley: Jeff, you just attacked JB! Are you outta your freaking mind?!

JJ: Well duh? Why do you think I'm in Foley's?!

Dr. Hayley: OK. I think it's time to wake Mick back up. Nice talking to you, Jeff. Say hi to JB when he wakes up again.

JJ: Will do. Tell Foley that he needs to stop talking about them 25 stitches. They were so last month! Another word about them, and he will be forced to start jobbing to Cody Deaner. You got that?

Dr. Hayley: Sure do.

(It was after this that I began to reawaken Foley with the sound of Angelina's love voice. Thought for a second that he was going to have a heart attack when he heard it)

Dr. Hayley: Right Mick. I think I've got the solution to your problem.

Mick Foley: What's that then doc?

Dr. Hayley: Retire. Please! Right now!

Mick Foley: Can I still keep my 25 big ones?

Dr. Hayley: Yeah, about that. You might wanna talk to JJ about something.

Mick Foley: About what? My 25 stitcheroos?

Dr. Hayley: Something like that...

This article has been a product of my imagination. It is only meant for a few laughs, so if it insulted anybody in anyway, shape, or form, take it out with the complaints department!