Dear Notre Dame Football...You're No Longer Golden

Dear Notre Dame Football,

As you well know, the world is divided into two different groups of people:  those who love Notre Dame football and those who hate it. 

There's no riding the fence in this debate.  People are either with you or against you.  

I happen to be in the latter group.  And that’s why this college football season is turning into one of my all-time favorites.

The people who despise the Fighting Irish share in my glee and are also basking in your recent atrociousness. But you, Notre Dame—I know what you’re thinking.

“Why you hatin’?”

Well, I’m hatin’ because, thanks to your illustrious past, the bulk of your fanbase is arrogance personified. Notre Dame fans think that simply being Notre Dame makes the Irish relevant.  They act as though you’re God’s gift to the gridiron—literally.  

I’ve always found the Notre Dame faithful particularly annoying because most of the fans I’ve encountered have never set foot in the state of Indiana, much less South Bend...but somehow they’re connected to the team in a way that allows them to look down upon every other college football program in the nation. 

Of course, you breed this mentality by constantly placing yourself above the rest of the college football world.  You refuse to join a conference, probably because doing so would mean forsaking your lucrative television deal and, God forbid, sharing the wealth with those peasant programs that aren’t fit to breathe your holy air.

I don’t want to ruin your day—but lucrative contract or not, the air surrounding Notre Dame football these days smells a little ripe. 

In fact, I’d go so far as to say it stinks.  

Apparently all that TV money doesn’t buy wins.

After a rough start, you guys went into Ann Arbor to face Michigan, a team that had been equally disappointing the first two weeks of the season.  If there was a time to turn things around, this past Saturday was it.  

Whoops.

Instead of righting the ship, you Golden Domers looked as bad as a football team can possibly look.  Your highly recruited freshmen quarterback looked like a deer in headlights, and Mike Hart treated your defense the way Charlie Weis treats a plate of ribs. 

The only things left were bones and gristle.  

Okay, Weis would eat the gristle too...but you get the idea.

Face it, Notre Dame—you’re not what you once were.  And that’s okay.  We all get older; we all lose a step.  There’s no shame in that. 

The only problem?

You and your fanbase act like a 50-year-old man suffering a midlife crisis. 

Rather than accepting that you’re not what you were, you ride around town in a red Corvette, wearing a bad rug and popping Viagra.  

That kind of attitude is what leads to guys like me hatin’ the Irish...and loving your 0-3 record.        

But maybe I’m wrong.  Maybe the program is still as virile as ever, and maybe Charlie Weis will eventually reestablish the dominance of the Fighting Irish.  Maybe Notre Dame has several national titles and several Heisman Trophy winners in its near future.

Somehow, though I doubt it.

As for this season, look on the bright side: You may stink, but at least Regis Philbin is still one of your biggest fans. 

You know, if you can consider that a bright side.

Gleefully yours, 

Dave