Diner Morning News: "The Danny" Makes a Hire (humor)

National Football Post

QUOTE: “Progress is a nice word, but change is its motivator, and change has its enemies.” -- Robert F. Kennedy

All this is not real. Remember, we’re just pretending to be Daniel Snyder. Some of this is based on truth, some not -- you decide. And we have a visitor to the Diner this morning, our own Rapid Ray Gustini. It’s not fair that I morph into “The Danny” without some input from our Redskins expert.

Day four of "being" Daniel Snyder takes us to the interview stage of hiring a new ‘Skins head coach. Once the announcement has been made that I’m looking for a new coach, all the calls will start to come into my office.

Some of the calls are to recommend someone else, some are to recommend themselves. My only concern is to make sure I find out as much as I can about the five coaches we just reviewed, so no matter who calls, unless it pertains to those coaches, I’m not talking. Let’s go to Redskins Park…

(Setting: a lushly appointed office in northern Virginia. Plush burgundy carpeting on the floor, gold-spackled paint on the walls. In the corner, the string section of the Prague Philharmonic gently plays “Hail to the Redskins,” as they have done everyday for the past nine years. Sitting at a mammoth silver-gilded desk from the court of Louis XIX is DANIEL M. SNYDER: Washington Redskins owner, theme park entrepreneur and University of Maryland attendee. Earlier in the day, a work crew completed the two-week process of screen-printing the FedEx, Papa John’s, and Morton’s logos onto the priceless historical artifact, and THE DANNY gives off the air of a man contented. He takes a puff of his cigar, a special blend from FedEx Field’s Macanudo Club reserved solely for Snyder, Sonny Jurgensen, and Fred Smoot. THE DANNY looks around the office and sees a memorial to his many accomplishments since buying the team in 2000. Framed newspapers commemorate his greatest moments — the return of Joe Gibbs, the Clinton Portis trade, the drafting of franchise quarterbacks Patrick Ramsey and Jason Campbell, the Adam Archuleta signing, the review of Vinny Cerrato’s first radio show. Yessir, he thinks — this is a guy who knows what he’s doing. Just then, a young secretary enters the office. At three weeks, she is the longest-tenured member of the administrative staff. Her annual salary is $700.)

SEC: Mr. Snyder, it’s Jerry Glanville, the head coach of Portland State University, and he’d like to talk to you about being the ‘Skins new head coach. He left tickets for Elvis once at RFK and feels a deep personal relationship with the ‘Skins. He knows he can be your guy. (Everyone wants to be The Danny’s guy.)

THE DANNY: Tell him Vinny and I are playing racquetball.

SEC: Very good. On the other line, it’s Bruce Allen, former general manager of the Bucs and son of legendary ‘Skins coach George Allen. He’d like to talk about Jon Gruden.

THE DANNY: Put him through. (THE DANNY picks up the phone.) So, Bruce, tell me all the reasons why I should hire Jon “Love You Bro” Gruden. Does he really love everyone?

BRUCE ALLEN: Well, Dan, I’ve known Jon since 1995 when I was with the Raiders. We interviewed him for a head coaching job back then, but ended up offering it to Mike White.

He held the post for two years, then we had Joe Bugel for one year, and finally Al let me hire Jon in 1998. It was a struggle to get him the job. He originally planned to hire Jim Johnson, who was in Seattle as a linebackers coach, as his defensive coordinator, but Al vetoed the idea. True story.

Jon knows good coaches, and he can hire good coaches. He’s bright, he’s a workaholic, he has charisma, and he can motivate the players, despite what Simeon Rice said about him. Do you remember that quote?

THE DANNY: What about his inability to develop younger players? What about his not being able to develop a young quarterback?

APBruce Allen (left)

BRUCE: He could develop young players if he wanted to, but just like my dad, he believes the future is now. He can run a first-rate offense, and in reality, we just never gave him the right guy at quarterback. He lets young players play, but they sometimes have a hard time learning the system.

When they make a mistake, they end up in the doghouse, and have a hard time ever getting back out. Just ask Michael Clayton.

THE DANNY: But I thought after Rich McKay left, Jon had all the power?

BRUCE: Well, yes and no. Jon loves personnel, but my job was to bring in the talent for Jon. Jon always believes he can make anyone a player. Hell, he even liked Danny Wuerffel coming out of college. I don’t need to tell you how that turned out.

You would not find a harder worker, a more dedicated coach, someone who would love to be in Washington and treat it like his own hometown. He would never want any other job, not ESPN, not Ohio State, not Indiana, not Notre Dame, not even Dayton, his alma mater.

THE DANNY: Does he know the words to “Hail to the Redskins”?

BRUCE: We sing them every day on the golf course.

(THE DANNY’S eyes flicker as he considers the marketing possibilities of a musically inclined head coach. At that moment, the intercom on his phone begins to crackle.)

THE DANNY: Excuse me, I have another call (picks up the receiver.)

SEC: I have an urgent call for you from Marv Levy.

THE DANNY: Hi, Coach. Who are you recommending?

MARV: Danny, I am the best guy for the job. I’ve been to four Super Bowls, and I’m already in the Hall of Fame, just like Joe Gibbs. I don’t turn 84 until August. My hero, Winston Churchill, was prime minister at the tender age of 76. Age is just a number. Trust me, I can do it.

THE DANNY: Let me get back to you on that, Coach…

APFormer Cowboys coach Jimmy Johnson

MARV: OK, but make it quick. I have to get my man Ted Cottrell out of the UFL for his return into the NFL as my defensive coordinator.

SEC: Mr. Snyder, Jimmy Johnson from Fox Sports is on the line.

THE DANNY: All right then….

J.J.: Danny, you have to make the right hire ‘cause I can’t take the Cowboys kicking your ass any more. I’m so sick and tired of seeing Jerry smile and clapping his hands on the sideline acting like the coach.

THE DANNY: He’s been so smug ever since he got that new face.

J.J.: Aw hell, he did that when I was there. It drove me nuts. But back to the Redskins job -- have you given any consideration to Dave Wannstedt at Pittsburgh?

THE DANNY: Mike Tomlin coaches Pittsburgh.

J.J.: No, the University of Pittsburgh. Pitt. Dave was my defensive coordinator for many years, also head coach of the Bears and Dolphins. Didn’t really work out before, but I think the third time will be the charm.

THE DANNY: Ooh, Vinny told me about him. Said he’s great recruiter. We’ll check it out.

SEC: Paul Allen is on the phone.

PAUL ALLEN: Dan, Paul here.

THE DANNY: Paul, I told you: We’re not giving anything higher than a third rounder for Rudy Fernandez.

APSeahawks owner Paul Allen

PAUL ALLEN: Oh, Daniel, you’re a spirited negotiator. As the owner of the world’s largest yacht, I respect a firm hand. But the real purpose of my call is to tell you about Mike Holmgren. I love the guy. It makes me sick to not have him in Seattle.

He wanted a break from the game, and I never thought he would want to coach again. In retrospect, he was never the same after we lost Steve Hutchinson. That was a tough one for him to digest.

THE DANNY: At least you got Nate Burleson.

PAUL ALLEN: I really think Mike is perfect for you, Dan. He has great respect for the traditions of the league. More importantly, he also has great respect for billionaires.

THE DANNY: That’s so rare nowadays.

PAUL ALLEN: I hear Jerry Jones is also interested. You can’t let Mike go to Dallas. He’s a natural for D.C., a real internationalist. He’s worked extensively to help needy families in Africa.

The DANNY: Maybe I can get him a spot on the Senate foreign relations committee. That might be enough to swing it. Of course, it wasn’t enough to help us land Leonard Davis last summer. Thanks for calling. Oh, and Vinny wanted me to tell you how much he loves Vista.

SEC: Al Davis for you, sir.

AL DAVIS: Daniel this is Al.

THE DANNY: How are you, Al?

AL DAVIS: I’m fine. Little quad problem. The real problem is that my team stinks. That matters most to me.

THE DANNY: You and I are so misunderstood. All we want to do is do right by the teams we love so very much.

Al Davis...back in the day

AL DAVIS: Whatever. I want to help you with this coaching search. I’ve had them all -- Gruden, Shanny, Bugel. Everyone wants to be here. They all want to wear the Silver and Black.

I could have kept Gruden, but the eight mil was too tough to pass up. Shanny was just not ready when I had him. I saw the greatness before anyone. Really, I did. But he was green and needed some molding, plus he couldn’t get along with some my people. That’s what they tell me, at least.

That’s why I’ve got just two words for you: Tom Walsh.

THE DANNY: The hotel guy?

AL DAVIS: Let me tell you something -- Tom Walsh is more than just a bed and breakfast proprietor. He has greatness all around him! Have you ever tasted one of his omelets? You’d swear you really were in Denver.

THE DANNY: I prefer egg beaters.

AL DAVIS: It’s more than just the eggs. The man knows how to call the plays you and I like. He can get in one of two formations and just not move, making the defense react to him. He loves the seven-step drops, gets the ball down the field and scores points. He just never had a chance here. That Lombardi guy hated him. At least that’s what they tell me

THE DANNY: Hmm…Tom Walsh…seven-step drops…I like it! Campbell will be ecstatic when he finds out about it from the Washington Post. By the way, as long as I’ve got you -- is JaMarcus available?

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