25 Things Guaranteed to Happen During the 2014/15 Premier League Season
We go again.
The new Premier League season is upon us, and this is the part when we're supposed to say that if it has as many unpredictable twists and turns as the last campaign did, then we're going to be in for a treat.
But we're not here to celebrate the frequently astonishing nature of the division. No, we're here to talk about the 25 things that will absolutely, definitely happen over the next nine months. The things that you already know are going to take place and are just a matter of when and not if.
We'll be making our way through all 20 teams in the division, so we might as well start with the team who ended 2013/14 on the top of the tree...
Manchester City Will Make a Big Deal of Yaya Toure's Birthday
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Manchester City's penultimate home game of the season sees them entertain Swansea City on the weekend of May 9, just four days before Yaya Toure turns 32.
Given the proximity of the dates and the fuss that Toure made over his last birthday—documented here in the Daily Telegraph by Mark Ogden—then City should probably make sure they bake a seven-tiered cake, hire clowns, blow up a bouncy castle, get some animals and reunite Oasis for the occasion.
Then, if there's time, they can play the match.
Burnley Will Be Incredibly Patronised
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"Burnley? Little old penniless Burnley? With their flat caps and their whippets and their grainy black and white town that will reject the high-definition cameras which will come to film their football team this season?"
Expect the Clarets to be patronised to within an inch of their lives on their return to the Premier League, which they were in as recently as 2009/10.
With a talented manager in Sean Dyche, some clever additions in Matt Taylor and Steven Reid and players like Kieran Trippier and Danny Ings, they surely deserve a bit more respect.
Bojan Krkic Won't Do It on a Wet Wednesday in Stoke
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Barcelona, Roma, Milan, Ajax, Stoke City. Bojan Krkic's career trajectory hasn't been one for the ages, and as a man who won his one and only Spain cap six years ago takes his next step, you do worry for him a little bit.
Fitness has been his main concern for a while, and linking that up with the inconsistencies which have blighted his career and given it the downward spiral mentioned above, the move to the Potteries might just be a disappointing one.
Daniel Levy Will Appear on TV Whenever Tottenham Are Losing
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It has become the unofficial death knell for several Tottenham Hotspur managers. The more that Daniel Levy is shown on television up in his seat in the directors' box, the less chance you have of holding on to your job.
The phenomenon reached new heights last season when Levy was pictured after each and every one of Liverpool's five goals at White Hart Lane which ultimately led to the sacking of Andre Villas-Boas. You'll know whether or not new Spurs boss Mauricio Pochettino is doing a good job or not by just how many times you've seen Levy looking down on him from on high.
Aly Cissokho Will Trend on Twitter
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One of the more entertaining elements of Liverpool's title challenge last season was the fact that, had they won the league, they'd have done so with Aly Cissokho in the team.
As seen by his video highlights package of 2013/14, the Frenchman would have been a loss to the Premier League had he left, and so, it was great to see Aston Villa pick him up after his loan deal at Liverpool ended and he returned to Valencia.
Villa supporters are in for a treat.
Alan Pardew Will Kick/Punch/Shove/Head-Butt Someone
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It could be anyone. An opposition player, an official or even a ball boy in an attempt to convince Eden Hazard that they are kindred spirits and he should sign for Newcastle, but Alan Pardew will lash out at someone this season, so take care out there.
The Magpies manager is surely only one more indiscretion away from being given the boot by the club.
Rickie Lambert Will Have Plenty of 'Emotional Moments'
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"It's an emotional moment for Rickie Lambert as he makes his competitive debut for his boyhood club against the team he left.
"Rickie Lambert has scored his first goal for Liverpool! What an emotional moment.
"Rickie Lambert wins his first Liverpool throw-in on a Sunday afternoon away game played somewhere south of the Midlands. What an emotional moment for him."
Rickie Lambert's move to Liverpool is incredible, but surely, he now just wants to settle down and get on with the business of being a Premier League and Champions League-level forward and not be constantly reminded of the circumstances surrounding his transfer?
He's a Liverpool player now, so just let him be one like all the rest.
The Europa League Will Do Even Stranger Things to Steve Bruce's Face
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Thursday, Sunday. Thursday, Sunday. Travel, return. Travel, return. The Europa League can be pretty draining both on football clubs and the men who work within them, and we're about to see evidence of that on the face of Steve Bruce.
Always one of the more entertaining elements of any season, Bruce's face will often be seen on the neck of a man who'll sit in Premier League dugouts no doubt utterly shattered following Hull's European campaign.
Being in Europe is a terrific and deserved thing for the Tigers, but they'll have to make sure that it doesn't affect their league form—which is something else that Bruce's face will probably give away.
Gus Poyet Will Keep Howard Webb Busy
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Now that he's stepped away from refereeing in the Premier League, Howard Webb's new role apparently involves giving guidance and support to managers, according to this report in The Guardian. You get the feeling that Gus Poyet could have him on speed dial.
Often wearing a look which suggests that he takes each and every decision that goes against Sunderland personally, Poyet is as passionate a manager as they come, and the Uruguayan will be desperate not to stray as close to the relegation zone as the Mackems did last season.
Hope you're ready, Howard.
Rio Ferdinand Will Wear 1 of His Brand of Caps Every Time He's Interviewed
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"Good win for QPR today, Rio. How do you feel?" Cap. "Rio, this is a really tough place to come, but you got a good point today, didn't you?" Cap. "Rio, a disappointing day?" Cap.
Now that he's back in one of the fashion capitals of the world, Rio Ferdinand won't be shy to try and promote his own brand of headwear during Queens Park Rangers' battle for survival, and with BBC Sport also revealing that he'll appear as a pundit on Match of the Day, don't put it past him wearing one on their sofa, too.
Alan Hansen would be appalled.
Louis van Gaal Will Claim That He Invented Football
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Three men in defence? Three?! Well no one's ever done that before, except...for those times that they did.
Louis van Gaal's achievements in football certainly mean that he warrants respect, and as Manchester United embark on a campaign in which they'll try to climb back onto their perch, he seems to be a perfect appointment. But do we really have to put up with his constant sense of self-importance?
From dreaming up approaches to football to reinventing the wheel, we can expect to hear it all this season, but as long as he wins some matches, United fans won't care.
Nigel Pearson Won't Get the Credit He Deserves
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Leicester City's first return to the Premier League in 10 years may have been largely helped by their Thai owners, but manager Nigel Pearson also deserves an immense amount of credit and praise.
Now in his second spell with the Foxes, and having spent the beginning of his managerial career being somewhat bounced around, he finally gets a proper crack at the big time.
Always blunt and honest, Pearson has a good chance to guide a talented Leicester squad toward a good season in the Premier League, but don't expect people to be singing his praises from the rooftops if he does.
February and March Won't Be Kind to Arsenal, Again
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It's the same every year, isn't it? Start well, threaten to run away with the title and then fall away in February and March. Just as the Champions League starts again, the fixtures become much more crucial, and the injuries stack up.
The heavy defeats to Liverpool and Chelsea were what characterised this period for Arsenal last season, and although the new additions this time around are certainly impressive ones, Arsene Wenger will need to change some of his off-field methods if they are to succeed.
Ronald Koeman Won't Be a Fashion Icon
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After rocking a sort of "experienced yachtsman on shore leave" look at Southampton's recent friendly with Bayer Leverkusen, new Saints boss Ronald Koeman has given fans at St. Mary's a glimpse of what they are in for this season.
After all, Koeman was brought in to "steady the ship" on the South Coast after so many high-profile departures this summer, and so, while sporting a nautical look might fit in with that narrative, it isn't likely to make him a fashion hit on the touchline.
At least put some socks on.
Crystal Palace Fans Will Set New Decibel Records
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From being doomed to their resurrection under Tony Pulis, there was plenty to admire about Crystal Palace last season, and that's before we discuss their famous cheerleaders.
Perhaps most notably, though, was the role of their fans in their successes in the latter half of the campaign, with Selhurst Park frequently rocking and their supporters ensuring that it was always a difficult place to go for visiting sides.
The surprising circumstances which led to Pulis' departure, via Eurosport, might not have been foreseen by many, but you can be sure that Palace's fans will keep impressing both at home and away.
It Will Take You Ages to Get Used to West Brom's New Kit
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Tranmere Rovers? Bury? Los Angeles Galaxy? Whoever this looks like, it certainly isn't West Bromwich Albion.
The Baggies have gone for a different look this season as the traditional thicker stripes have been abandoned, and the result is this fairly crisp creation. It looks just fine, but it is bound to upset the traditionalists out there.
Tim Howard Will Appear in a Lot More Memes
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After the success of #ThingsTimHowardCouldSave in the summer, you can expect there to be a repeat performance the first time the American veteran has a good game for Everton this season.
Of course, in the Premier League, we've known all about Howard's qualities for a while now. But after his heroics for the USMNT in Brazil, he'll have picked up a lot more fans—fans who have access to Twitter, Photoshop and thus our collective minds.
Jose Mourinho Will Annoy Everyone Except Chelsea Fans
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With Louis van Gaal now on the Premier League scene, Jose Mourinho will have some competition to be the division's greatest egotist. He's unlikely to give up his crown without a fight.
After last season's infamous attack on Wenger, reported here by BBC Sport, it'll be interesting to see who the Portuguese goes for this time around. Van Gaal? Manuel Pellegrini? His old friend Brendan Rodgers?
It'll probably be Wenger again.
Garry Monk Will Be Replaced by a Bigger Name
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Do these types of appointments ever work out? Or, after enjoying something of a honeymoon period last season, will Garry Monk ultimately fade away from Swansea City and be replaced by a bigger name?
Monk is a good man and hopefully will be a good manager, but at the first sign of trouble, the Swans are going to be looking at the man they appointed to take the place of Michael Laudrup and will perhaps feel as though they need to go in that same direction again.
Sam Allardyce Won't Care About What West Ham Fans Think of Him
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The uneasy union between Sam Allardyce and West Ham United supporters has been going on for a while now, but there still appears to be no thawing in the relationship.
Allardyce doesn't really seem to care about that though, and he'll go on thundering and blustering his way through his job without one glance up at the supporters in the Upton Park stands who are calling for his removal.
One day, this relationship will end, though, and neither side will shed too many tears.
Roy Keane Will Get More Airtime Than Paul Lambert
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By about October, if they last that long, you'll be uncertain as to which one of Paul Lambert and Roy Keane is actually the Aston Villa manager.
Assistant boss Keane, who was last seen in the Premier League as the boss of a side which became known as "Roy Keane's Sunderland" has an all-encompassing personality, and he will likely become the story at Aston Villa whatever happens, win or lose.
Nobody Will Be as Odd as Vincent Tan
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I mean, they couldn't be. Could they?
You'll Miss Luis Suarez
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While everyone's focusing on the football and there isn't some ridiculous controversy surrounding the Premier League, you are likely to wistfully remember the times when Luis Suarez would do something mad for your amusement.
A goal, an assist, a bite, a hilarious dive—he was always doing something—and without him, the division has suddenly gotten a bit more boring, hasn't it?
Diego Costa Will Be the Division's New Bad Boy
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But at least there'll now be Diego Costa.
As well as scoring plenty of goals, the Brazilian-born Spain forward also infuriated much of La Liga with his win-at-all-costs antics, something that a certain Mr. Suarez was also famous for during his time in England.
Will Costa become a similarly decisive figure? It promises to be fun watching him try.
Nobody Will Remember Who David Moyes Was
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"Who? Moyes? No, never heard of him. You say he was a manager here? At Manchester United? No, sorry. No idea. The guy we've got now is good though."
