Helping a Teammate in Need of a Mustache

[The Monthly Mustache Shakedown with Dr. Aaron will return with a brand new category next week, in the meantime your weekly dosage of mustache chatter is served up below]

Earlier this summer, as documented by the American Mustache Institute, Cardinals outfielder Rick Ankiel bowed down in deference to the power of the “ultimate performance enhancer” by growing a rally mustache that rewarded him with his most productive stretch of the 2009 season.  Shortly thereafter, he assaulted his creation with a Mach 4 razor and predictably his numbers plummeted.

Two weeks ago reliever Josh Kinney emerged from the minor leagues sporting a Goose Gossage-level horseshoe stache. With the facial hair gods smiling on him, Kinney promptly saw his ERA lowered from 13.58 to 7.56 with it set to eventually reduce to 0.00, his lip scoffing at those who say the feat is mathematically impossible.

No doubt recognizing what they witnessed with Ankiel, Kinney and with the career-lengthening tickler on backup catcher Jason LaRue, the Cardinals starting rotation has recently made a similar pledge to each other and to the fans - they have publicly committed to a rotation-wide mustache growing event in an effort to ratchet up their performance. 

On Wednesday night, Adam Wainwright was the first to take the mound with still-developing-dirtlip in place and not shockingly went nine innings, giving up one run and setting a career high with 12 strikeouts in a 2-1 Cardinals win over the Giants. 

In between innings, the mustache bunch gathered around the day’s ace trading secrets of facial hair maintenance.  Chris Carpenter’s blonde squirrel’s tail was beginning to show signs of life, Joel Pineiro’s Spanish slickster was already prominent…###MORE###

But for as much confidence and raw power that a strong ’stache can bring to an athlete, fifth starter Brad Thompson (pictured far right) also demonstrates how the inability to grow one can cause a player to question their masculinity. The youthful looking Thompson, who some theorize has yet to sprout armpit hair, is stuck patiently waiting for his blonde dusting to take hold, wondering if his under-developed upper lip will land him back with AAA Memphis before long.  

But lest Thompson be left out, in a show of true solidarity between the starting staff and the bullpen, rumors are swirling that closer Ryan Franklin has been growing his freakishly large goatee to serve as a surrogate for any starters who are unable to craft a rotation-worthy lip garment.  Rest assured, there will be an ample supply…

That’s being a teammate, people. 

Assuming no razors muck things up, expect the Redbirds to run away with the NL Central in the second half.

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