Ferris Spinkleman: The Star-Struck Celebrity Gazer

Ferris Spinkleman is a 35-year-old American who never graduated from high school, never married and probably never will.  He is of medium-height and chubby with thinning, blonde hair, and he wears thick-rimmed Buddy Holly glasses. 

His mother recently won the Lotto jackpot of $10 million. She recently decided that she was tired of him hanging around the house and that he was going to travel abroad. 

"You can go anywhere you want but the condition is that it must be outside of the state of Iowa," she told him. 

Ferris thought for a moment.  He absolutely adored the sport of tennis. His eyes lit up as  he asked if he could follow the tennis player's tour. 

"It's a deal. Get yourself down to the passport office and get packing," his mother said.  She was stern but internally pleased. 

Two weeks later, Ferris Spinkleman was in London, England. He checked into a high-rise fancy hotel and went for the elevator. 

He stuck his arm out as the doors were closing.  He dropped all of his luggage and tried to pry the doors open to get his arm back. 

Suddenly two arm extended and parted the elevator door for him.  He looked in and to his utter shock, realized it was Roger Federer. 

He got his baggage in and continued to stare and gawk at Roger Federer. 

Roger Federer:  What floor please?

Ferris still stared.

Roger Federer:  What floor??

Ferris:  Uhhhh ... 47.  YOU ... YOU are ... are ... are ...

Roger Federer: Roger Federer, pleased to meet you.

Ferris: ...the greatest tennis god living on this earth.  I cannot believe I am in an elevator with Roger Federer ... Roger Federer ... Roger Federer!

Ferris repeats this and starts to jump up and down bringing his heavy frame down on the elevator floor. 

Roger Federer:  Quit doing that! You will stall the elevator.

Ferris stops but it is too late.  The elevator gets stuck. 

Roger Federer: Oh that is just great!  What is your name?

Ferris(coyly): Ferris Spinkleman

Roger Federer:  Well Ferris Spinkleman, get on the phone and try and get this elevator moving again. 

Roger Federer began pacing the elevator.  He did not like the idea of being stuck with this American. 

Ferris (drops the phone):  DON'T MOVE!

Roger Federer:  What? What? What?

Ferris: There's a HUGE fly swirling around you.  There it is!

Ferris takes a huge swipe at Federer.

Roger Federer:  Are you f---ing crazy?  There are no flies in here. 

Ferris: I think you might need some glasses, Roger.

Roger Federer: I think you better check yours.

Ferris checks his glasses and finds a large black spot on them. He laughs nervously.

Ferris:  Oops! 

Roger Federer: Give me that phone. (takes the phone) Hello, we are stuck here in the elevator.  Can you get someone to look at it?  That will be fine...thank you.....bye.

Roger Federer:  He says it will be another five to ten minutes.  Do you always jump around in elevators?

Ferris: I do when Roger Federer is there! HAHAHAHAHAHA... I watch you on television all the time.  You are a lot bigger than you are on the tv.  Of course, on my ten-inch television set, everything looks small. 

Ferris stares at Roger Federer.

Roger Federer:  What?

Ferris: I was just thinking that no one is going to believe me that I was stuck in an elevator with you.  Can I have your shorts?

Roger Federer:  What? NO!

Ferris: Aw come on, Roger!

Roger Federer:  What do you think my wife would say if I got up to our room with no shorts on?

Ferris: She would say "There goes that Roger again forgetting his shorts!  If it weren't for me, he'd show up at the finals short-less." 

Roger Federer: She would definitely not say that.  Look, you can have my wrist bands.

Ferris: I want your shorts.

Roger Federer: Stop saying that. It makes me very uncomfortable. Just take the wrist bands.

Ferris inspects the wristbands.

Ferris: Nah, I can get them for fifteen pounds in the lobby. 

Roger Federer:  Well I don't know what else I can give you. 

Ferris: Give me your shorts.

Roger Federer: You are not getting my shorts. 

Ferris: OK.  How about ... the hair on your head.

Roger Federer: No

Ferris: Nail clippings?

Roger Federer: No

Ferris: Nose hairs?

Roger Federer: No

Ferris: Boogers?

Roger Federer: NO!  Just take the sweat bands, OK?

The elevator starts to move.

Ferris: I want your shorts!!  Starts to jump up and down on the elevator.

Roger Federer: Stop!  Stop!  OK!  I will do it!!

He takes his shorts off and hands them to Ferris. 

Ferris: Nice RF sign on your underwear Roger.  Can I trade?

Roger Federer:  No way!

Roger then gets off at the next floor and runs up the stairs.  Unfortunately he has 15 more floors to get to. 

Roger Federer (climbing up the stairs):  No one takes the stairs.  No one takes the stairs anymore.  Please let there be no one who takes the stairs!!