Every NFL Team Has Announced a Sponsorship (Satire)

Samantha Cooke@sportycookieCorrespondent IJune 22, 2009

The New York Giants recently announced their partnership with Timex. Timex will give them money for a practice facility and the Giants will put a patch on their practice jerseys.

This got me thinking...what if every NFL team had a sponsor? Here are my suggestions for all the teams' sponsors.

Detroit Lions: Netzero because they net zero wins.

Green Bay Packers: Swiss Army so they can stab their players in the back with a knife (ala Brett Favre).

Minnesota Vikings: Allstate, because you're in good hands on a cruise ship with the Vikings.

Chicago Bears: Sylvania Light Bulbs, when they're on, they're on; when they're off, they're off.

Philadelphia Eagles: Gas X. sometimes the pressure is too much.

Dallas Cowboys: Mattel Barbies, because their cheerleaders are more famous than their team.

New York Giants: Visine, get the red out of that jersey!

Video Play Button
Videos you might like

Washington Redskins: General Motors. After all, they both went to the wrong people for help.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Disneyworld, because it's an adventure to go to their field.

New Orleans Saints: American Red Cross Disaster Relief, they had to get down to New Orleans eventually.

Atlanta Falcons: PETA to keep Michael Vick out and save face after Vick.

Carolina Panthers: Left Hand Trading Company, because they are never right.

Seattle Seahawks: Zoloft, Seattle is the No. 1 city for depression and suicide.

Arizona Cardinals: The Republican Party, because they both lost their only chance at a victory.

St. Louis Rams: The Brown Paper Bag Company, because with that team, their fans will need them.

San Francisco 49ers: Bank of America, when you have too many quarter(backs), sometimes you need a refund.

Oakland Raiders: Halloween USA, because their fans are scarier than the actual team.

Kansas City Chiefs: Sonic, it's America's Drive Thru and let's face it: so is the Chiefs Defensive Line.

San Diego Chargers: In N Out Burger, because that's how they are in the playoffs.

Denver Broncos: Singulair, there's only one way to control that mountain air.

New England Patriots: Sony, it's all the same when you're taping it.

Miami Dolphins: Comedy Central, the storyline keeps you interested, but the punchline (ending) makes you laugh.

New York Jets: UHAUL, we'll move you to your own stadium for less.

Buffalo Bills: Kleenex, now that Terrell Owens is on the team, they will need them.

Houston Texans: Tampax, those red jerseys look like used tampons (see above).

Tennessee Titans: Depends, for the oldest team in the league.

Jacksonville Jaguars: The FBI. After all, they already know the whole team on a first-name basis.

Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis 500 because it's bigger than the Colts.

Cincinnati Bengals: Skyline Chili, some things give you the runs; some things just run away.

Baltimore Ravens: Goodyear Tires, they need something to pass to.

Cleveland Browns: UPS, can brown do anything for you?

Pittsburgh Steelers: Band Aid because that's what they need to give to their opponents.

I hope you enjoyed my fake sponsors, feel free to suggest any of your own!

slash iconYour sports. Delivered.

Enjoy our content? Join our newsletter to get the latest in sports news delivered straight to your inbox!