Rafael Nadal Bows Out, Roger Federer Wins Wimbledon By Default (Satire)

With Rafael Nadal making the final announcement that he would not compete in Wimbledon due to knee problems, Roger Federer picked up his sixth Wimbledon without even raising his racket.

On what was supposed to be the first day of the tournament on the green lawns of Wimbledon, a large group of male tennis players assembled together in front of the packed stadium. 

Andy Murray stepped up to the microphone, saying, "Look, I know what I said in the press was to pump me up, but trust me, it was pure bullsh**! We as the tour decided that there is no point in competing against Roger (Federer). He is just too good."

The players all clapped and shouted while the crowd stirred restlessly in shock. Federer stepped up to incredible cheers and accepted his sixth Wimbledon title. 

"Wow, I really don't know what to say except thank you to all the players in the tournament for believing in me. Your belief is just as strong as mine in my ability to win this tournament.

"I would like to thank my team. You guys are the best, and you deserve a rest before the start of the hard court season. I would like to thank the sponsors who are losing a hell of a lot of money as I raise this trophy.

"I want to thank the tournament organizers. Please do not be so hard on the players. If you have to penalize points, just remember that this was not my idea.

"I want to say sorry to Pete Sampras, as he would have liked to have been here to see me break his record. Also, a word to go out to Bjorn Borg: Sorry man, but you never know what you will miss if you don't come out to see the beginning of the tournament instead of just showing up for the finals.

"Finally, I would like to let the US Open organizers know that I will not be getting a free lunch over there, as Andy Murray really wants a crack at it. Thanks, and I just want to say that I love grass season, and I look forward to seeing you again next year!"

Wimbledon 2009 will go down in the history books as the shortest men's tournament in its rich regal history.