I was hungry for some good baseball, so I decided to drive up to my local fast food restaurant. I noticed the name change right away, so I was full of questions as I drove up to the speaker clown.
“Hello, how are you today?”
Do you really want to know, because if you do…
“No, no, it’s just something we’re supposed to ask everyone.”
“Welcome to McHendry’s, may I take your order?”
McHendry’s? What the –
“Oh yes, that. Well, we couldn’t think of a batter name to fit this story, so it is what it is.”
OK already, let’s get on with it then. Do you have any left-handed relievers on the menu?
“Lefty relievers? We gave you Neal Cotts last time. What happened with that?”
Neal Cotts?? You’ve got to be kidding me. He couldn’t put out a fire if he had an ocean in his pocket.
“Alright, but what about Jason Waddell?”
He might be ok, but he’s young and unproven. There were a lot of quality veteran lefties out there before the season…
“I don’t want to hear it. Anyway, no, we’re fresh out of relief pitchers.”
That’s too bad because our bullpen is awful, except for Angel Guzman.
“Would you like fries with that?”
Fries with what? I haven’t ordered yet.
“Oh, sorry, my bad. Order when ready.”
Well, since the cars behind me are beeping their horns, I guess I’m ready. I’ll have a right fielder please.
“But you already have Milton Bradley.”
You didn’t let me finish. A right fielder that can actually get on the field, perform well and not go crazy.
“Oh, you mean, like Adam Dunn, Raul Ibanez and Bobby Abreu? Sorry, we’re out of those.”
Well then, how about a utility player?
“But you already have Aaron Miles.”
Like I said, how about a utility player. Oh, let’s say, Mark DeRosa?
“He’s in Cleveland.”
I know, but couldn’t we just give them back the three pitchers they gave us?
“Um, they wouldn’t be that stupid.”
Oh, I see. Well, just what do you have for me then?
“Well, to be honest, with the sale of the team on hold, I don’t see how I, er, I mean, you will have any money to spend.”
Hey, wait a minute here. Is this Jim Hendry?
“OK, you got me. Yes this is. But keep it quiet, OK? I have a reputation to protect ya know.”
What are you doing here?
“With the impending ownership change, there’s no guarantee I will have my job. Especially once the new owner sees the mess I created in the off-season. So it’s never too late to learn a new trade”
Wow, how the once mighty have fallen.
“Hey it could be worse. I could be the guy who has to pay Alfonso Soriano $18 million at age 38.”
“Drive through please,”