Chad Ochocinco Finally Tells the Truth

Memo to Chad Ochocinco: Cialis can help

All you need to do, Chad, is take some Cialis, find an abandoned bath tub, fill it with water and place it outside so that you can sit in it while overlooking the Grand Canyon. What’s that you say? It’s not that performance, it’s the fact that you sucked last year? Oh. Well, du...

“I’m not even going to lie to you, I’m going to say it. Last year, the offseason, I didn’t lift one weight, I didn’t run one route, I didn’t exercise. I didn’t do nothing because my focus was on getting out of a situation I didn’t want to be in. I’m not going to lie.”

“And the result of my season, whether we as a team did bad or not, that’s what I get. I get hurt in the preseason. I didn’t lift no weights. If I had been on my right regiment, I guarantee you my collarbone, my shoulder wouldn’t pop out of place.”

Well thank the Lord that Chad chose not to lie to us all. Makes you think Chad has lied in the past to the media and his fans, no? Like, for example, the time Chad guaranteed no cornerback in the NFL could cover him — that was a lie. And claiming that your last name translated to english is “Eighty-Five”? That’s a lie too.

Eighty-Five in Spanish is Ochenta y Cinco, moron. ###MORE###

Memo to Carlos Beltran: Your sideburns have no class

While the Mets finished up their six-game road trip by taking two of three in Washington, things got off to a rocky start after the Pirates swept them out of PNC Park.

Carlos Beltran was not impressed by his team’s actions and let the world know that the Mets should be embarrassed to suffer a sweep at the hands of the Pirates, which didn’t sit too well with Bucs 1B Adam LaRoche.

“I think it shows zero class and zero professionalism. When somebody says that, they know what they’re saying, and they know it’s going to get out. He knows we’re not going to be real happy about it. If you go and say that to your buddies, it’s one thing. If you go to the media and make that public for us to hear? Yeah, that’s no class.”

You know what else shows no class, Adam? Beltran’s blatant disrespect for the Neg-burns community. Sure, he has proudly displayed negburns in the past, but what’s with the current look? It’s as if he’s trying to re-grow normal sideburns.

You know what else shows no class? Beltran’s .342 average and .990 OPS. That’s way more exciting that Jose Reyes’ now-dormant .279 average and .750 OPS, nullifying any and all of Reyes’ excitement. Totally classless on Beltran’s part.

Memo to Bambi: Your husband got stunned

“Austin 3:16 says I just shot your buck. You piece of trash.”

Stone Cold doesn’t give a damn what any deer thinks of him. That’s what Jim Ross told me, anyway.

Memo to David Ortiz: You suck

When you’re hitting .197 with two home runs, it might be best for business to hold on that hot sauce debut.

Big Papi En Fuego, which recently hit shelves in the New England area. The timing couldn’t be much worse. The sauce’s Web site says the product is “never off season,” but Mr. Ortiz is. His batting average and on-base percentage are at decade-lows. The sauce sells for $7.95 a bottle.

The best part about this sauce, unlike other hot sauces, is that this one will change your life. Much like Schmitt’s Gay, all one needs to do to change his or her life is open up a bottle of Big Papi En Fuego.

Big Papi En Fuego is made from a secret recipe, and while we can’t give it away, the sauce does include fresh, natural ingredients such as habanera peppers and fresh lime. Big Papi En Fuego makes a great addition to marinades, cooking and cocktails. It is not just a hot sauce, but a way of life!

I guess one could presume that much like Big Papi, En Fuego hot sauce is lacking a certain something. Then again it might be unfair to assume Big Papi cheated — not too many players are caught injecting jalapenos into their bodies.

Gillette Corporation has banner weekend

As accurately pointed out at Deadspin, many Gillete spokespeople had fantastic weekends. Tiger Woods won the Memorial on a day he woke up trailing the leader by four strokes. Woods’ preferred tennis partner and fellow Gillette shiller Roger Federer won the French Open (played in France) after defeating Robin Quivers Soderling.

Unfortunately, Gillette commercial teammate Derek Jeter went 0-for-4 on Sunday, but it should be noted that Jeter’s mere presence and will the Yankees to a 4-3 win over the Rays.

Lest we forget Gillette pitchman John Cena, who defeated the Big Show via submission at WWE Extreme Rules.

These people did not have a great weekend, however. Between Olympic doping and Wall Street woes, the weekends never bring relaxation.

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