Top Seven Food Mascots (if They Played Sports)

Last year, the Top Seven looked at some cereal mascots and how good they would have been at sports. Tony the Tiger walked away with that one, but not before some serious competition from Count Chocula’s blood-sucking, Toucan Sam’s Garfield-esque cunning ability, and Frankenberry’s path of destruction. 

This week, non-cereal mascots get their shot to see who would be the best at sports.  Actually, It’s also non-fast food mascots, they could be their own list someday too.

7. Brawny Guy

It’s a testament to the greatness of society that newspapers covered when the Brawny paper towel guy got a “facelift” for the future.  It’s like how some people follow the changes of the Molson salt girl through the years. 

Either way, the Brawny guy could have participated in one of those world’s strongest man competitions, he looks like the lumberjack type.

6. Kool-Aid Man

You’re probably thinking that anyone with the capability to bust through walls should be higher up on the list.  Well he has probably pigeonholed himself a little bit.  With all of that extra weight he’s carrying around, he’s only fit for either sumo wrestling or the role formerly played by Yokozuna in the WWF. 

If he tried out in any other sport, the massive amount of sugar is going to keep him in horrible shape.  He could possibly pull off a career as an offensive lineman I guess.  There’s also a chance that a sports league begins calling Kool-Aid a performance-enhancing drug.

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5. Hawaiian Punch Man

He would make a huge name for himself as a surfer, but nonetheless would be battling some inner demons in the footsteps of Ricky Williams and 80 percent of former Portland Trail Blazers.  Hawaiian Punch would be a poor man’s Kool-Aid if Kool-Aid wasn’t already a poor man’s Kool-Aid.

4. Chicken of the Sea Mermaid

She could become the female Michael Phelps.

3. Chester Cheetah

The only thing that keeps him from No. 1 is that it’s still questionable as to whether he could do anything else besides the straight 100-meter dash.  Would he be a team player enough to be part of relays? 

Does he have the endurance to pull off the 400 or even the 800?  Could he possibly learn other events and be a decathlon guy?  Until he proves himself, he’s not going anywhere.

2. Orville Redenbacher

No, I don’t think that Orville could play sports.  He would have been a hell of an owner though. I picture him as a friendlier version of George Steinbrenner and a saner version of Al Davis rolled into one. 

He would have been one of the most beloved owners of all-time. You could have gotten popcorn cheaply at the park too.  There need to be more guys named Orville.  Here’s hoping that it becomes the new “Blake.”

1. Jolly Green Giant

I’m thinking basketball more than anything for him.  One can imagine him having 10-minute You Tube clips featuring only his dunks on Shawn Bradley.  He and Shaq could have been the Russell/Chamberlain of this generation.  To top it off, he wore an outfit similar to Andre the Giant’s classic one strap.

The Top 7 is written by Jason Major. He thinks Orville Redenbacher would sign Cap’n Crunch to play catcher. Email him at [e-mail].

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