LeBron James Selfishly Veres from Media's Course

Memo to Lebron James: the media kindly asks you state your unhappiness in Cleveland

After an arduous, grueling 24 hours, Lebron James quieted the speculative storm of speculation by saying he feels great in Cleveland. No mention of the Knicks and the summer of 2010. No mention of Cleveland sucking as a town. No mention of contract extensions later this summer.

“I’m great. I feel great about this situation that’s going on. You want to continue to get better, that’s all you can ask. We got better and I feel this team will be better next season. You don’t want to take a step backward. I think we went forward from the Boston series (a Game 7 loss in the semis) last year. Hopefully we can go forward next year.”

When asked if he’ll sign a contract extension …

“I haven’t thought about it just yet. I’m just going to take time off from basketball and not think about contracts or the game period. I’ll relax with my family we’ll figure out once it comes from them.”

Jerk. Doesn’t he realize clothed people who stand next to him while nude have deadlines due and soundbites to capture? ###MORE###

Memo to the Lovie Smith: You need larger, stronger players

The Bears signed Pisa Tinoisamoa over the weekend, adding an agile yet frail defender to a Cover 2 defense predicated on speed. From the Bears perspective, it’s only a one year deal for the Rams’ leading tackler four of the past six seasons.

However, leading the team in tackles four out of those six years isn’t all that impressive when you consider he did it for the Rams—that’s akin to ‘leading QVC in ratings’ on the prestige scale.

That right there was a simile, people. (Rick Reilly here I come!) The struggles of the Rams are well documented on this site but the struggles of the Bears defense against the run defies the conventional wisdom of the belief in "Monsters of the Midway."

They’ve been anything but the past few seasons. Let’s summon the stat page, shall we?

The Bears defense has allowed an average of 346 ypg over the past two seasons, which would serve as 23rd overall in 2007 and 25th overall in 2008.

The addition of Pisa gives the Bears a player who, if his time in St. Louis is any indication, will show up in big plays during blowout wins and go unnoticed otherwise.

One could suggest that makes Pisa a key player and one could also say that deriving trends from the Rams defense is like discovering sales trends for the QVC network.

I don’t know, either, just go with it.

Memo to Tiki Barber: Here’s your newest assignment

Please read the picture w/ accompanying text below. Let those creative brainwaves run wild!

Given the timely nature, we’re confident this story will provide a litany of entertainment. We feel squirrels which eat American flags around Memorial Day and Flag Day provide a comparable level of entertainment to that of the squirrel meal ticket (squirrel which water-skis). 

Unlike the squirrel meal ticket, this story potentially provides elements of betrayal, freedom of expression issues, RABIES and treason.

We’ve got a flight booked to Michigan already. You’ll be flying coach along with the camera crew captained by Neil J.

Let us know how we can assist you in this endeavor.

Thank you,

James L. McGregor
Story Idea Producer, Today Show
www.twitter.com/todayshowstoryguy
www.youtube.com/todayshowguru

“We’re not just narrating news. We’re telling stories”

Memo to A-Rod: You suck

You sucked long before this picture surfaced. You suck more now, though.

Seriously, how much do you think A-Rod kissed Jay Z’s hiney all night? And I would say that Jay Z looks strikingly similar to Doc Gooden, but A-Rod wouldn’t hang out with a drug addict because he’s never done drugs except for that one time when he did it after telling Katie Couric that he never did or would do it.

PLEASE EXCUSE THIS PROMOTIONAL INTERRUPTION

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Just click and choose which ones to listen too. Some tracks include NSFW language. Enjoy.

We now return to our regularly scheduled Memo.

Memo to Michael Vick: you can carry weed in your water bottle up the Arch

If Internet posts are to be believed, Michael Vick and the rest of the football world shouldn’t rule out a deal between Vick and the St. Louis Rams.

“They’ve been doing their due diligence on Vick, and if the Commissioner does reinstate him, look for them to actively pursue him. It makes sense—a new coach with an older quarterback who hasn’t played well. Playing in a dome on carpet would highlight Vick’s speed and athleticism.”

As someone who has been highly critical of Vick long before the days of his dog-fighting ring, I have to say that I hope Vick continues to transport marijuana in Dasani bottles. Not because I want him to get caught with drugs and fail in his professional career, but because I want him to see how scary getting high atop the arch can be.

I know how scary it is not because I’ve done so (I’ve really never been up in the arch even though I’ve lived in St. Louis all my life) but because this guy told me as much.

With the realistic chance that the Rams could move from St. Louis, I think it’s high time Rush Limbaugh moves in to purchase the Rams. If nothing else, the Rams would excel at right tackle, right guard and right defensive end (see what I did there?).

The conversations between player Vick and owner Limbaugh could provide some entertaining possibilities, much more entertaining than the Rams on Sundays, so here’s hoping both of these long shots come to fruition.

Memo to Carson Palmer: I offer my sympathies even though you’re a bag of douche

Remember when Palmer kind of ripped into Chad Ochocinco? Even though he never dismissed the possibility that he’d be throwing bombs to #85 at any point during the season, it became news that he “isn’t dismissing the possibility” that he wants him on the field this year …

“He’s a damn good receiver — that’s obvious, everybody knows that — but the guys that are working here and busting their butt here deserve a shot. When he shows up he’ll show up and hopefully he’s in great shape and he’s ready to play … but I never once said anything about not wanting him here and not needing him. He’s a Pro Bowl receiver. He’s put up a ton of yards. He’s extremely dangerous to cover. We would love him when he comes here, but he’s not here right now.”

How dare him not dismiss the chance that Chad Ochocinco reports to the team and plays in regular season games. Doesn’t he realize he could create more stories for the national media if he said otherwise?

Monday Morning Memo is written by Patrick Imig. He thinks Jay Z and Alex Rodriguez bought each other Zimas all night. Email him at [e-mail].

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