The Hater's Guide to WWE TLC 2013 with Fresh-Baked Predictions
Get ready to sell all your spare tables, ladders and chairs to afford WWE’s newest pay-per-view extravaganza!
Sure, there’s lots of things you can do with $60, like buy groceries, a new PS4 game or two copies of Roseanne the complete series. But why would you do that when you can pay for three more hours of wrestling a month!
That’s right, this is the hater’s guide to WWE TLC 2013.
Why is it for haters? Because WWE rarely puts in the necessary effort, or give us enough unique matches to justify the high asking price. It’s one thing to watch a show for free, but shelling out hard-earned cash for something we’ve seen before is worse than being Powerbombed through your grandma’s dinner table.
Along with a look at each match, we'll also do some predicting. I went 6-1 last month to bring my lifetime Bleacher Report pay-per-view prediction record to 75-20-2 (a 79% success rate…for whatever that’s worth).
Now let’s dive on in, put on our favorite hater hats and take our best guesses to the winners of Tables, Ladders & Chairs. Oh no!
Fandango vs. Dolph Ziggler
1 of 7
What’s to Love: It’s free! Free I say!
What’s to Hate: When Dolph Ziggler held the World Heavyweight title, you probably wouldn't have guessed that he’d be on the pre-show at the last pay-per-view of the year. Fandango has also fallen tremendously since his days of feuding with Jericho. This just stinks for everyone involved.
Now with all that said, it should still be a decent match. Just try to get past the depressing parts first.
Prediction: Ziggler (95 percent confidence).
When in doubt, always go with the babyface on the pre-show. Both men are currently stuck in no-man's land, but there’s probably more near-future potential for Ziggler than Fandango right now.
Big E Langston (c) vs. Damien Sandow
2 of 7
What’s to Love: At least Langston isn’t fighting Curtis Axel again!
What’s to Hate: I wouldn’t use the word "hate" for this match. Instead, I'll use "apathy" as there’s just nothing exciting about it. If you saw this match on SmackDown, it wouldn't feel out of place at all. So paying money to watch it isn't that fun.
Sure, it’s refreshing to not see the Intercontinental Champion lose every single week, but it’s sad to see how Sandow has been treated lately. The man just held the Money in the Bank contract not long ago, and has now dropped down to IC-level matches.
Prediction: Langston (95 percent confidence).
It’s too soon for Langston to drop the gold, and WWE has Sandow lose all the time anyway.
CM Punk vs. the Shield
3 of 7
What’s to Love: It will be a little interesting to see where all this Shield tension is going.
What’s to Hate: Everything else. The Shield teasing inner turmoil still feels too early for this viewer. There is a lot more the company can do with them as heels, but Roman Reigns appears to be on the fast track for a big babyface push.
This probably doesn’t even need to be said, but handicap matches are the worst. The worst I say! If the heels win (which they should within two minutes if we’re being realistic at all), then there’s no point to it. They just beat up a guy three-on-one and didn't gain anything.
However, if the babyface wins, then the heels lose a tremendous amount of credibility. It damages any future one-on-one match between guys like Dean Ambrose and Punk, which are bound to happen again anyway!
Prediction: CM Punk (80 percent confidence).
The Shield has some sort of stupid misunderstanding, and this allows Punk to put Ambrose to sleep.
Four-Way Tag Team Title Match
4 of 7
What’s to Hate: First off, Curtis Axel, get off my TV screen! And Big Show, you can join him too!
We just saw The Real Americans lose to Rey Mysterio and Show on Raw, which makes you wonder why they’re in the match in the first place. Then on SmackDown, The Real Americans were given another non-title match for some reason and won.
To top it off, Ryback was just destroyed by The Big Show in under two minutes, so why is his team in the match at all? It's just strange booking.
Prediction: Goldust and Cody (60 percent confidence).
I could see this one going a couple different places. Perhaps the long-rumored feud of Goldust and Cody will actually happen and start developing on this show. Booking towards that match could cause the team to lose by a misunderstanding.
Perhaps WWE wants to give Mysterio less ring time, so they stick him in a championship tag team with The Big Show. Basically any team but Axel and Ryback have a chance to win this one.
Daniel Bryan vs. the Wyatt Family
5 of 7
What’s to Love: Let me think...hmm.... nope, nothing. No sir, I don't like it.
What’s to Hate: Pretty, pretty, pretty much everything.
Did we really need two handicap matches on one show? Really? Two of them?
Man, The Wyatt Family has lost a ton of steam lately. They've kidnapped two people, and neither one seems worse for wear because of it. Can I volunteer for the next one?
They also lose a lot of their matches, so the mystique the group had established is nearly gone. A loss to Daniel Bryan would put them under even further.
Prediction: The Wyatt Family (55 percent confidence).
I'm not feeling good about this one at all. This match should have never been booked. Daniel Bryan should be in the top program due to his popularity, and The Wyatts should absolutely not lose a handicap match. There's a lot of "shoulds" there, but WWE did this to itself.
Hopefully Bryan puts up a good fight, but is just overwhelmed and takes a pinfall without losing much momentum.
AJ Lee vs. Natalya
6 of 7
What’s to Love: AJ and Natalya may be the best two women wrestlers in the company right now. If given enough time, it could be a fun match.
What’s to Hate: As fans know, the entire Divas division is a wreck. After this match, there's no clear next opponent for either competitor; that's because WWE just throws these things together anyway.
Natalya is also awful on commentary. While she didn't completely embarrass herself on SmackDown like she has other times, it's still hard to get behind her quest for the gold.
Prediction: Natalya (55 percent confidence).
WWE may finally want one of the Total Divas to actually hold the gold, so Natalya may get the nod. AJ has been lost as a character ever since her "pipe bombshell" promo, which is a shame. No matter who wins, expect to see more of the same from the Divas division from here until the end of time.
John Cena (WHC) vs. Randy Orton (WWE)
7 of 7
What’s to Love: The crowd heat should be pretty good for this one. Orton and Cena usually deliver in the ring and it will be interesting to see who WWE goes with for the winner.
What’s to Hate: Even though it's been quite some time since Cena and Orton had a big feud, there's still a bit of fatigue in seeing another round.
First off, let's just look at the sheer number of times these two have faced off against each other in their careers (via profightdb.com)
-The two have fought for free on Raw or SmackDown nine times in one-on-one matches.
-They've fought against each other (for free) 25 times in tag matches. (Amazingly, Orton is 5-20 against Cena in these matches.)
-In one-on-one pay-per-view matches, this will be their eighth encounter. In other pay-per-view events, they fought twice in triple threat matches, had two fatal four-way matches, two Elimination Chambers, a five-way match and a six-way. That makes 16 matches (more than a year's worth) of those two going at it for money in some way or the other.
Ok, so if you can get past that, how has this match been promoted?
Well, Orton was easily beat down and put through a table by Cena on Raw two weeks ago. The week after, his boss beat him up. On SmackDown, he then meekly apologized for his actions. Wow, what a tough heel!
Most depressing is that this is a unification match that was promoted as such just a couple weeks before it happened. This isn't WrestleMania, or SummerSlam or even Royal Rumble. This is TLC, and two of the biggest titles in wrestling history are merging with a lousy build-up.
Prediction: Cena (65 percent confidence).
I'm bracing myself for HHH to run in and steal both titles for himself, but praying it won't happen. With a WWE network (in some form or the other) possibly on the near horizon, I'll go with Cena being the true face of the company when it launches.
For those who are interested, check out a new podcast I'm a part of: Wrestling With Friends. It's just a couple of pals talking wrestling and drinking some hot chocolate. We discuss current events and go through some of the worst moments in wrestling history. Join in on the fun as we iron out the kinks!
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